• Home
  • About The Authors
  • About The Book
  • Contact
  • Media
  • Subscribe
  • The R&R Hot Stove - Blog

WELCOME TO THE R&R HOT STOVE

*Scroll down to see the newest Blog post
Hot Stove was initially a baseball term says Wikipedia.   My husband tells me that in Canada the Hot Stove actually refers to the hot stoves in the “skate shacks” across Canada where kids would “fry” their wet mittens as they warmed up and wiped their runny noses between stints on the ice in the skate shacks beside the ice rinks that dotted our prairie towns!  Who do you believe?? LOL!  My friend Ross Meek- athlete, coach and former PE teacher would speak about his ‘team’ of colleagues adopting the term to describe their gathering together in ‘Hot Stove’ conversations early each Monday mornings after a weekend of watching NHL teams compete in Canada’s game.  

Each MONDAY MORNING you will find a Hot Stove post here on our website.  The focus will NOT normally be about hockey although the passion of two beautiful young hockey-playing boys named Radek and Ryder was certainly front and centre when the boys were alive and the hockey theme runs throughout the book.  We plan to give the reader further insights into some back stories and delve into our objectives as writers of this powerful narrative.  We will profile the incredible courage of a mother and her counselling therapist in the telling of a mother’s love story.  We will also share the actions of those who have helped a grieving mother in the mending of her broken heart as she continues to work on finding a degree of meaning and mastery since the death of her two boys on December 19, 2016 in a brutal senseless act of filicide by their biological father. 
Sometimes the topics will be passionately HOT like that of a burning stove aimed at stoking your courage to find your voice about things that matter in ending all violence against women and children in our society.  May our words encourage you to speak from the rafters of every arena in concert with our aim to end such violence.   Sometimes hopefully we will also bring a grin to your face as we share our connection on this road as client and therapist since 2017. 

                                                                                                                                                SANDRA YOUNG KOLBUC   ​

R&R Hot Stove - It's a good day to have a good day

11/28/2022

0 Comments

 
Good Monday Morning Early Risers!  Finally, I have the right day and right time to bring readers my thoughts as I write my final R & R Hot Stove column.  In May of 2017 I began my 5 a.m. journey with Canadian guru and writer Robin Sharma where I began the 20-20-20 – 20 minutes of exercise, 20 of journaling and 20 minutes of meditation.  It has been an incredible way to begin my days and today as I write my last R & R Hot Stove column, I reflect on how far we have come in telling the Radek and Ryder story and that of their beautiful mother Tracy Stark.

It was in April of 2019 that Tracy asked me to write her story and that of her boys whose lives on earth had come to an end on that fateful day of December 19, 2016.  For three years of my writing journey with Tracy that 5 am slot became routine.  YOGA*JOURNALING*MEDITATION……. then .. at my computer with the writing of the book GROSS MISCONDUCT HITTING FROM BEHIND.  Unless of course, I even looked at my computer before I made it to my yoga mat!  It was a continual challenge as I was so eager to write that next line, that next page!   It was in the silence of those early mornings when the ideas flowed, the words connected and my writing journey with Tracy took me to another level of engagement with the written word.  I would send Tracy a ton of questions to answer.  I would explore her posts on FACEBOOK.  Then I would take what she had written and weave such information into our therapeutic sessions as we travelled together on this rocky road, as the back cover of the book says, of TRAGEDY*COURAGE*RESILIENCE*HOPE.  

We worked well together, she and I. Being Tracy’s therapist, I knew the risk of retraumatization by my client in having her continually repeat the story and was gentle and slowly able to guide my client by titrating her experiences, dealing extra cautiously with the traumatic pieces and never rushing the process.  Hence it was a three-year trek before the book could be released.  

There were times when Tracy would disappear on me and I understood why.  Sometimes I nearly went insane as I sometimes waited for her responses wondering, always wondering if it was simply going to be too damn hard for her or if she had changed her mind about sharing the intimate details of her life.  But then…she would reappear with that big beautiful big smile and determination - ready to continue our work together to change the world one reader at a time!  My guts would unclench again and we would continue our work together.

I also knew that I too could be vicariously traumatized as I learned the ‘rest of the story’ in depth and my self-care was paramount.  My 20-20-20 and our simple yet profound mantra of TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY in beginning or ending our texts was also a habit that sparked our focus to tell our story as therapist and client.  Tracy gave me the facts and the strong emotion connected with the anger and despair of a mother losing that most precious earthly connection with her sons who she loved more than life itself. I added the ‘color’ to the acute expressions of both devastating despair and rage that I experienced with Tracy as she sat in my Blue Chair.  We processed her undying love and continued connection with her boys that I also had the privilege of witnessing sitting in sessions with my client as we processed the agony of her sorrow and the tenderness of that love for her sons as she shared her memories of these precious boys and their stories.

Just two women – one a seasoned grandmother, the other a heartbroken Little Mama - sitting together – both determined to work through the trauma so unsettled in the nervous system of my client.  It was long and repetitive work to decrease the activation, track the breath, feel the support of the chair and be fully present to this brave woman in the confines of our space together.  

My client begins to move forward, heavily focused on fulfilling the promise she made to the boys on the night they died.  The promise that their lives would make a difference in the lives of other children.  I am sure that that night the idea of writing a book was not on her mind in any way, shape or form.  Her job was simply to grieve and grieve well and she started that process with the many many beautiful people she greeted one by one, many times being the one providing the comfort for those loving friends and acquaintances who graced her doorstep in the hours, days and months following their deaths. However, her healing evolved week by challenging week and setbacks continued with key dates or experiences as the pain of loss continued within my client.     

Then she asked me to write her story from my perspective as her therapist.  At first as those who have read the book know, I said no. I said she needed a professional writer.  It was such a dynamic and powerful story to share!   Tracy insisted it was me rather than a professional writer as we were walking this journey together and I knew her better than anyone. She was a powerful force in that counselling room that day.  I gave myself 24 hours as they do in hockey when there is a critical issue to solve.  Of course, I did not sleep on it.  My mind raced all night with possibilities and I obviously by the evidence here, I acquiesced! There have been many taxing and difficult moments in our work to bring the book into the world.  We sometimes had different ways of looking at things but I believe the respect for our differences and each other helped us in creating a powerful message for our readers and that continues to permeate our interactions in all aspects of our relationship as co-writers.  Tracy Stark?  I call her McTracy because of her tenacity and startling moves.  I am privileged to have assisted on a great number of goals with her as my first line centre and other stand outs on our team.

Friesen Press consultant Jess Feser was truly remarkable with her calm and caring presence throughout the writing and publishing of the book by two neophyte writers who had never had such an experience. Editor Rhonda Hayter proved beyond excellent in her perceptions of what needed to be central in the writing of Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind although her feedback was one of the hardest times for me in January of 2020 when she turned my sequencing and focus upside down…to make the book flow better.  She was right and our book became even more poignant with her input!  

Our Self-Publishing Journey had its difficult moments as well but….we survived and we began to fully recognize and get very excited with what we had achieved.  Each day as we got closer to publishing day our guts were full of terror that the books would not arrive before our planned book launches. 

The Woodlands Press ran a great full page article courtesy of Lorraine Jackson, the first to grab our story! The Whitecourt Star followed with the fine article and picture by columnist  Brad Quarin. The Whitecourt Press included a feature with the excellence of Serena LaPointe.  Needless to say….we were on fire!

And then ….one fine spring day unbeknownst to us the books were delivered en masse to Tracy’s door!  2500 of them! We were soon dancing on air, sniffing the pages of our beautifully constructed books!  And then….. the reality of the work ahead loomed even larger!  The questions came.  How now do we continue to get the word out? We were already promoting the book and encouraging sales at Amazon and Friesen Press on social media.  Then like a miracle…Enter Juliana DeWinetz, one of my precious soul sisters who introduced me to marketing guru Donna Zazulak of Edmonton, AB. Donna brought her expertise to the table and we were able to tell our story and be featured on many high-profile media outlets – CBC TV & Radio, Global News, Kerry Dahl’s podcast The Inner Circle, and Edmonton Journal’s Nick Lees columns due to Donna’s influence and of course Tracy’s incredible story.   Thus our marketing started with a huge bang in the spring of 2022. 

As well Donna’s connections with Wolfe Cadillac allowed us the privilege of having our first Book Launch at the beautiful Wolfe Cadillac Dealership in Edmonton and connected us with their team of wonderful people including Ashley Wolfe in Calgary. The Book Launch proved an excellent beginning for many many new and old friends who have become ambassadors of our mission.

It is our hope of course that our readers of the book will recognize the importance of speaking out about family violence.  May all those formally and informally invested in ending 
Family Violence join together in speaking out about such travesties in our communities not only in Alberta but throughout the world in whatever way works for you.   Changing the culture of violence requires all of us to find our voices and I believe this is a topic on which we can all join hands and work together.

Potential indicators of abuse can often be difficult to detect or recognize as possible indicators.  Abuse can take many forms of which physical abuse is but one serious factor more recognizable than some others which include – verbal, financial or material abuse, domestic violence, sexual abuse, psychological or emotional abuse, modern slavery, discriminatory abuse and bullying behaviors.  Evidence of any one indicator does not necessarily mean that abuse is occurring but such should alert others to that possibility where some sort of intervention may be needed. 

FAMILY VIOLENCE PREVENTION requires each of us to increase our alertness and awareness because collectively we can be a tremendous TEAM where TOGETHER EVERYONE ACCOMPLISHES MIRACLES in ending the culture of violence in our society.  Perhaps at the top of the list of ways to prevent or stop such violence is again creating healthy environments in which we role model appropriate behaviors for children because we know that CHILDHOOD TRAUMA all too often yields ADULT DYSFUNCTION.  Witnessing abuse or being a part of such creates traumatic responses within the nervous systems of such individuals.  As I always say “Worry not that your children do not listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you!”  Enough Sandra!  You have made your point not only in this Hot Stove post but throughout the book!  So I listen to myself and continue my accolades.

To Stacy Crossland, our social media expert and one of the most patient women I know who has been instrumental in providing us with not only her talent in the area of social media but with her wise words and cherished sense of humour in all things R & R.  What a gift it has been to work with Stacy and experience her commitment as well as her laughter and her deep responsibility to bringing forward our mission to change the world one reader at a time!   You Rock girl!

To my incredible family – my husband, my adult children and my grandkids - who have supported me in my work on the Hot Stove posts and the book with incredible grace and understanding of their most passionate wife/mother/ grandmother.  They as family members wait for me to finish my latest writing so we can have Facetime or supper or a game of Yahtzee or play Barbies, go for a side by side ride, play hockey or watch a show.  My love for each of you burns very HOT! Thank you for your patience and dragging me off the edge when my comments may have needed reworking!!!  

Lastly a huge thank you to all who have taken the time to read the R & R Hot Stove and/or buy our book.  Your comments, your continued support, your highly positive Amazon Reviews have all made this path on which we continue to be on so much easier.  May you all find the gift of PEACE AND LOVE THIS CHRISTMAS Season and as I extinguish the fire in the HOTSTOVE column please know that the FIRE still burns brightly within the R & R Team in our quest to change the world one reader at a time with our book GROSS MISCONDUCT HITTING FROM BEHIND.  

Sandra Young Kolbuc - aimstar@telus.net    
Tracy Stark -  tracy@rnrempoweringsocietyofalberta.ca                                                    

Follow us: 
Facebook
Instagramwww.instagram.com/rnr_ryderandradek/
Gross Misconduct Website
R&R Empowering Society of Alberta Website

                                                                                                                             Love, Sandra    
Picture
0 Comments

R&R Hot Stove - 36

11/23/2022

0 Comments

 
Good Monday Evening Everyone, 

The idea to write a column to keep potential readers interested in our progress on our Gross Misconduct journey seemed to be a good idea in the spring of 2022. We were going crazy trying to determine when we would have the actual books in hand!  Thus, I began writing the R & R HOT STOVE column while we waited rather …. impatiently ….for our books.  We had established a Gross Misconduct website and we wanted to keep the enthusiastic interest of our loyal followers and kept reiterating to everyone that the books would arrive……soon!!! 

Thirty-six weeks ago today on March 12, 2022 the indominable amazing STACY CROSSLAND our social media guru published that first R & R Hot Stove post.  I liked the HOT STOVE idea that had flipped into my mind as I explained in my first post.  At that time our book team was on pins and needles waiting for the delivery of our book order and frantically wanting to know when the book Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind would be available for our readers to purchase. Our goal was to gain Amazon Best Seller status but we had no idea when books would be available for our potential readers to purchase online. When could we begin to encourage those potential readers to buy our book?  Would we have our book order available for our Book Launches?  All of this uncertainty was new to us as neophyte writers.    Needless to say, it was extremely stressful as we attempted to plan events with no firm idea of when we would receive the books. Then, out of the blue Tracy’s cousin called one morning to tell Tracy that she had stayed up all night reading the book!  As Tracy would say “We were over the moon” with excitement!!  It was out there!!!!!!  It was not long before a delivery truck arrived at Tracy’s home filled with our books.  No notice.  Just arrived.  We were ecstatic but the learning curve was high! 

Over the last thirty-six weeks I have shared various aspects of our writing journey and hopefully added additional ‘food for thought’ for those who have taken the time to read posts I have shared on the Hot Stove.
  
Thirty-six seems to be a special number in our Gross Misconduct journey for it was 36 months from the time Tracy Stark asked me to write her story from my perspective as her therapist to the release of the book on March 23, 2022.  Since that first post I have pondered each week as to what to write to keep a focus on our goal of encouraging others to read the book and find their voices. I have attempted to shine a light on and bring awareness to the need for changes in systems that failed Tracy and her boys.  I have also continually encouraged others to find their voices about things that matter.  It has always been my hope:

  1. THAT those living in relationships sharing the raising of children either in intact, separated or divorced circumstances will increase their vigilance and awareness of the danger to children when such ‘innocents’ witness and experience abusive behaviors between their parents or watch as the self-esteem of the injured party is eroded by bullying or coercive control. Through watching instances of physical, financial, mental or verbal abuse or being a party to such, children are learning how to do their future relationships! I share the following quote I continually share with my clients “WORRY NOT THAT YOUR CHILDREN DO NOT LISTEN TO YOU.  WORRY THAT THEY ARE ALWAYS WATCHING YOU!”
  2. THAT readers who have bought the book and who have not yet read it will do so despite the fact that it is very very sad because …it is also a story filled with the courage, love, resilience and healing of a remarkably brave young mother willing to share her story to prevent further incidences of such violent acts of filicide and abuse against women and children.
  3. THAT readers in the future as “the Village” will find their voices and intervene when things appear “offside” in the lives of children and others vulnerable citizens within their sphere of influence.
  4. THAT those in positions of influence in the hockey world, the legal systems, children’s services, victim’s services, and the RCMP will read the book, ask questions, begin conversations and revisit policies and procedures that did not save Ryder Patryck and Radek Stryker nor provide a broken traumatized mother of two murdered youngsters with the support needed at the time of and in the days prior to and following their deaths.
  5. THAT another mother or father will not come upon such a scene that Brent and Tracy Stark did on December 19, 2016 by changes being made to protect young children from violence and abuse.
  6. THAT if YOU recognize yourself in any part of the equation: CHILDHOOD TRAUMA = ADULT DYSFUNCTION in  far too many instances and if YOU need help in dealing with your own past to change the story for your children, please seek help!

The positive comments that Tracy and I have received from those who have taken the time to read Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind have been truly inspirational in encouraging us to continue to bring awareness to others regarding broken systems and attitudes that do not work in protecting children and adults living in unsafe circumstances.  May you join us in finding your voice about things that matter. 

LATEST DEVELOPMENTS
  1. My commitment to the writing of the R & R Hot Stove ENDS next week as Tracy Stark and I move forward to the next phase of our marketing journey.  If you wish to comment on any past columns do not hesitate to share your opinions, ideas or feedback which we will publish in the final column next MONDAY ….or …TUESDAY.  LOL!
  2. THE R & R MEMORIAL FOUNDATION has transitioned to the R & R Empowering Society of Alberta  to expand the focus of the organization to include all children living in Alberta.  Herein lies Tracy’s greatest commitment to her sons by changing the lives of other young children needing a financial hand up to participate in a variety of life-enhancing pursuits including not only hockey but a wide variety of activities. One can learn more of this society and how families can apply for such assistance on the website. rnrempoweringsocietyofalberta.ca/

LOVE, SANDRA
Picture
0 Comments

R&R Hot Stove - System Inadequacies

11/9/2022

0 Comments

 
Good Morning Everyone!  Okay I will admit….it is afternoon! Closer to evening!   The fire is ablaze in our fireplace counteracting the new snow that continues to fall. I love winter almost as much as summer and relish the opportunity as I finish this article to go for a kick sled on the fresh snow on our trails, my first ride of the season.  Being active has already been my way of being since I was a youngster. To me, looking forward to such activity is my medication to calm the anxiety I feel as I detail specific concerns I bring forward this November – The month designated to focus on Preventing Family Violence. 

As I organized and wrote the book Gross Misconduct, the companionship of my dogs was paramount.  Their calmness and their attentiveness to my demeanor were regulating for me as I learned the many aspects of the ‘rest of the story’ surrounding the lives and deaths of Ryder and Radek. Having grandkids just a little younger than Tracy’s boys, a grandson who had played hockey with them and a son who coached them brought me to being even more determined to get this book into the hands of as many people as possible.  It is hoped that others will, after reading the book, begin to have a better idea of the laws, policies and procedures designed to protect women and children but which a devastated mother feels “wretchedly fail to do so” based on her experiences and those of her sons murdered in an act of filicide (the killing of a child by a parent) and in this case – the killing of two children.) Hopefully individuals who read the book will begin to explore Tracy Stark’s concerns and speak up and out about inadequacies in various societal systems brought forward in the book. We hope we will find people questioning such policies and laws and create a force to be reckoned with regarding speaking about changes needed.  We have continually heard from other women (and men) who have been in situations where they too felt let down by such inadequacies particularly as related to matters of assets and custody in separation and divorce. And…since approximately 40% of marriages in Canada are said to end in divorce such is a real issue. 
​
PRESENTING AREAS TO BE EXAMINED:

THE JUSTICE SYSTEM
  1. Court Orders not being enforced.
  2. The Cost of getting a Court Order put in place
  3. The Wait Time to sit before a Judge who will make decisions regarding child             custody issues.

THE RCMP 
  1. Police unable to act on behalf of children if the individual displaying questionable behaviors is the other biological parent
  2. The disrespect and lack of empathy with which the mother was treated when at the scene of the crime and the subsequent treatment at the RCMP Station.
  3. The lack of trained professions to help manage the TRAUMA of what the mother and stepfather were experiencing as victims of a horrendous crime.
  4. Having to identify via pictures the body of the perpetrator

The MEDIA: 
  1. The continual harassment of the mother and step father to get “the rest of the story” with no consideration for the traumatic symptoms they were experiencing.

CHILD SERVICES
  1. The lack of serious intervention by Child Protective Services after receiving a detailed letter outlining the actions of the biological father from a mother afraid for her children’s safety
  2. Cheerleading the mother for her decision to move to the boy’s new home community rather than taking decisive action to intervene immediately on behalf of the children
  3. The lack of an investigation into the incident and the failure to involve the mother and/or step dad in such an investigation

HOCKEY ALBERTA
  1.  No follow up with the mother regarding suggested changes in procedures and reporting to Children’s Services of a 13-year-old boy with a shaved head arriving at hockey practice in a woman’s dress      
  2.  No call to the mother - the primary parent - regarding the obvious abusive actions of the father of a young hockey player arriving at hockey practice in a dress.

HOCKEY FAMILY
  1. No call of concern by any one to mother of a child arriving at hockey practice with shaved head and wearing a woman’s dress.  

It is our hope that highlighting such inadequacies will spark a desire by other parents/fans as well as those in positions of influence to look at situations that need attention.   MAY GROSS MISCONDUCT HITTING FROM BEHIND  BE A POSITIVE VEHICLE FOR CHANGE on behalf of two innocent young boys. 

NOTE TO MY AMAZING CO- WRITER:  Not long after the boys died I know you lost your precious and beloved little bull dog Piper as well.  May you enjoy your new addition to your family, Tracy.   Nothing like a new puppy to brighten your days and …..bring you trouble!  She will be a great member of your household.  Have fun!! 


DEVON PUBLIC LIBRARY
NOVEMBER 22/22 AT 7:00 PM

BOOK READING, TALK AND BOOK SALES AND SIGNINGS with Tracy Stark & Sandra Young Kolbuc .
        
REGISTER BY NOVEMBER 17/22 at devonpubliclibrary.ca/events or call 780-987-3720
                                                                                         

LOVE SANDRA
Picture
0 Comments

RnR Hot Stove - Ethical Decision Making

11/2/2022

1 Comment

 
Happy November Everyone!  I love the 1st day of  a new month!  It is as though I rewire and revitalize my self-care focus by taking a deep breath into forgiving myself for the error of my ways the previous month and becoming excited to have a new chance at success!!   You know - that chance to begin again if I have skidded into the ditch with some of my definitive goals of self-care!  I hope I never stop my bizarre excitement at being given a fresh chance at success as the first of the next month rolls around.  LOL!  I love the nerd in me!  So come on November!  I am ready!

Last week I had the absolute delight of picking the brain of my  friend Sue Yackulic, a fellow U of A Physical Education graduate and an excellent coaching facilitator with the Canadian Coaching Association,  Susan teaches a course entitled Ethical Decision Making, a course every coach of every sport should be required to complete before he or she dons a coaching shirt. It is designed to assist coaches in understanding what ethical decision making is and what constitutes good vs bad choices in decisions a coach makes when behind the bench, in the dressing room, on the court or the bus with his or her team or one on one with one of his/her athletes behind closed doors or in front of his/her teammates.   What must legally be reported by a coach to Children’s Services? What could constitute a breach of the law if unreported? How do certain decisions affect the athletes in question? What is an ethical breach of conduct by a coach?  Some of these are questions coaches though well intentioned never think about.    

Now we have many wonderful dedicated coaches in our midst.  That is beyond question.  However, until a coach is fully aware of the ethical nature of certain situations, he/she may not have considered how his/her actions could possibly affect the athletes with whom he or she is working. The course offers many scenarios for coaches to consider and to increase their understanding of what constitutes ethical decision making.  

In our book Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind we share the details of the actions of Ryder’s father in his attempts to discipline his thirteen year old son for his actions which had resulted in a suspension from school.  To punish Ryder his father took him to Value Village after this suspension, made him buy a dress and wear to hockey practice to humiliate Ryder in front of his teammates.  This was Ryder’s punishment for a poor choice he had made at school as dished out by his father.  As well his father, in order to doubly embarrass Ryder, shaved his head to the skin and told him he was not to wear a hat.  As Ryder suffered with psoriasis one can only imagine what this could potentially do to the self esteem of this young man but the kid did what he was told and when his coach told him he could change out of the dress for practice Ryder shook his head and said he couldn’t and since he seemed okay with it his coach went with what the boy said.  Now this coach was a man who chose to coach hockey because he wanted “to help kids become better players and better people” He was well intentioned.  He did not want to make a greater scene for Ryder so he went with what his player had said was okay.  Ryder continued his dryland training but his teammates, rather than making fun of him from what I understand, stuck right by his side in the drills as this tenacious young lad completed the dryland training in a dress.  The coach did not want to make it worse for the boy and because Ryder seemed okay with wearing the dress there was no follow up.  Who knew that Child Services should have been contacted to investigate possible child abuse by Ryder’s father?   No one seemed to think it was a big deal.  Everyone in the hockey world seemed more concerned about the boy writing a letter regarding his school misconduct rather than with his father’s humiliating and abusive behavior in selecting such a cruel punishment for his son.  There was no follow up.  His mother was not informed regarding the dress incident until Ryder’s younger brother spilled the beans to her regarding the dress.   In my mind, it appeared that coaches were not aware of a responsibility to report such behavior or perhaps at that time such had not been known to coaches that such should have been reported to Child Services.     

Susan Yackulic , Facilitator, shared that she has been using this example in her presentations where coaches learn what they ethically and legally are responsible to report.  In the Ethical Decision Making Class participants explore situations that require them to make ethical decisions. Suspected child abuse by a parent is one such area that must now be reported. Coaches must be educated as to their responsibilities in making ethical decisions.  Discussing situations where good decisions must be made in the best interest of children requires coaches to understand what that involves and what it means.  What does a coach dressing down a player in front of his peers do to a child?  What does a coach swearing and berating players behind closed doors in a dressing room do to a team?  Though many coaches are well intended volunteers they MUST be educated as to what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in our sporting venues..  

As Hockey Canada is now forced to take responsibility for reportedly using player registration monies to cover up abhorrent sexual abuse by CANADIAN Junior Hockey players, the hockey world is in crisis. So many sponsors have removed their support until this mess is cleaned up.   

Coaches in all sports can have a tremendous impact on the self-esteem and behaviors of our young athletes and have a potent effect on the mental health and self confidence of their players by how they are treated by their coaches.  If coaches use outdated tactics, discipline strategies and abusive behaviors in their quest for a “winning” team or if they are uneducated regarding what is ethical and unethical behavior in the coaching realm, they can do serious harm to their athletes.  Inappropriate behaviors must be reported and action taken.  Hockey Canada is certainly in crisis.

   Parents too who are attempting to fulfil their own unrealized dreams through their children with an excessive focus on their child’s success on the court/ice or field can also be detrimental to the mental health of a child under extreme pressure to succeed. Coaches must know how to handle such situations or have resources to help them with difficult situations that may arise.   

 As well parents too are often afraid to speak up on behalf of their child because they know their child will see less playing time or be punished in subtle ways if a coach is confronted for behavior unbecoming a “significant other” in their child’s life.  Parents must speak up when they see things are “offside” How can they do that without impacting the child’s experience if a parent speaks up? Perhaps …..confidential parental and player evaluations must be a part of our sporting culture so our little athletes  can relish the skills and abilities from those willing to become better educated in working with young people and wanting to have a positive impact on their charges. Being a coach is a huge responsibility and ...a privilege.  Becoming a good coach requires learning how to best teach, impact and influence one’s players in a positive way and understanding what is motivational and what is detrimental to a player’s development.     

A coach is in a position of power and influence.  It is a tremendous responsibility and I believe those paying the price for their child’s involvement should have a chance to confidentially evaluate what they see and hear regarding coaching behaviors – both good and bad.  The aim of such should be to ensure each child has the most positive experience possible in the playing venue.  Such should not be considered a negative by a coach but rather a chance to provide a coach with increased tools in his/her kit bag in his/her role as coach or ….to relish some of the good things that people/athletes are experiencing under his/her tutelage.  Maybe our sporting associations could provide our coaches with such opportunities to increase their skill and knowledge levels identified as needing attention rather than funding coverups for unconscionable behaviors! Maybe some former sponsors could work in this realm to assist in the training of minor sport coaches to enhance the overall experience for our budding athletes.  May such is already underway!

Discussions must be held to provide the most positive experience for every child registered in their sport.  Yes coaches in minor sports are volunteers and yes coaching takes a lot of time.  However the impact a coach can have on our youngsters cannot be overstated and such individuals must be well trained and their behaviors well monitored as well as appreciated for the time and effort given to the sport.  It is truly a privilege to coach a group of kids.  Ask me!  Try coaching a group of unruly 15- and 16-year-old males who got us kicked out of the league for their questionable behaviors on the court but in the short time I had the opportunity of being their coach they grew not just as athletes but as young men learning about logical consequences for their questionable behaviors.  That needs to be a strong focus for our coaches – creating good citizens and learning what it means to be a good team member.  Wining isn’t just about the score on the score sheet.  COACHES MUST BE WELL SCHOOLED IN APPROPRIATE AND INAPPROPRIATE METHODS OF WORKING with our young citizens because they have a tremendous influence on our budding athletes.  

The course Ethical Decision Making offered by the Canadian Coaching Association is an excellent course for both parents and coaches.  Please think about educating yourself about the importance of coaches and parents knowing the difference between ethical and unethical behaviors on and off the playing surface.  It is our hope that the book Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind will be added to the Canadian Coaching Association list of relevant resources for coaches enrolling in their many excellent courses. I’ll be sending them a copy of our book this week! 

                            Love Sandra
1 Comment

RnR Hot Stove - Editing, editing, editing

10/25/2022

0 Comments

 
GOOD MONDAY MORNING EVERYONE! A day late and a dollar short!  Just returned from a great trip to MacKenzie B.C. where I had the pleasure to hug all weekend the Acting Captain of the MacKenzie Mountaineers – my grandson Gavin Kolbuc Stark!   Proud to be his Gramma!  

This past summer we hit the other end of BC with a visit to Red Mountain and had the privilege of visiting with the first editor of the manuscript Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind. 

It took courage for my trusted long-time friend Connie Braithwaite to share her perspectives with me, the new author.  Connie had just finished editing the work of another author when I asked for her editing expertise.  She was a godsend, diligent in her editing and brave enough to hold nothing back in her evaluation.  As well, she could see a comma out of place a mile away! Sometimes her words were not easy to hear. Sometimes after her input I needed to take long walks in the beauty of the boreal woodlands talking to my two ‘golden girls’ because her remarks sometimes ‘tested’ me to change the trajectory of what or how I was writing.  She was kind but determined that the story continue to focus on Tracy and her boys Radek and Ryder when I sometimes went off on some other tangent on my soapbox!    But that is what true friends do isn’t it?  Give you that loving good advice that may be hard to give and…hard to hear but can travel between two connected  heart knowing that each of you wants the best for the other and holds that intention between you.  Thank you, Connie, for making me a better writer and for being a valuable part of our writing team in the bid to bring forward the best possible version of the story of Ryder and Radek and the painful incredible journey of healing of their Mama, Tracy Stark.  Strong women are changing the world and my friend Connie is one of them! 

Others on my editing team included two more straight talkers in the likes of Kristin Kolbuc LeCoure, my oldest daughter and fellow AIM therapist who challenged me to think and write like a young mom rather than an ‘old..er gramma’ LOL! when I was lost in a particular challenging recounting of Tracy’s experience.  Thirdly  what a gift  my son Joseph who had coached both Ryder and ‘Radek gave me in ensuring the book was not only written from a strong female perspective but was written as well to gain the support of men touched by the story and who we need to advocate for changes to procedures, systems and attitudes that failed Tracy in her quest to take care of her sons.   A male perspective on my writing was a godsend. I was so very privileged to have such feedback from those who I think still love me LOL! Then… Tracy’s excellent writings in answer  to the many questions I posed and her patience as I struggled in my role of having to eliminate anything I had written that did not resonate with my co-writer. Tracy’s answers to my questions were amazing when as I knew that revisiting situations would be difficult and it was not my intention to retraumatize her in her recollections.  Sometimes we needed to regroup and do some grounding to settle such unsettling recounting of what had transpired.  Her damn red pen too was also MOST diligent in her editing process.  Some entries I fought for and lost to my main character who was stellar and firm in her perceptions as chief editor of what should and should not be in the book! After all it was her story!  Other writings I fought for and won particularly when I wanted to educate people about dealing with trauma. I too as the collaborator of the story was tenacious.  But…thought it all we remained so respectful of each other’s point of view and worked at finding solutions to our different points of view!    We were two women on a mission to collaborate well to make this the best possible version of GROSS MISCONDUCT HITTING FROM BEHIND.  

Removing the poems initially included in the manuscript was one of the hardest parts for both of us.  (See very early R & R Hot Stove posts for one such poem) Our professional Friesen editor strongly advised us to eliminate the poems to maintain our focus and the serious nature of what was being written.  I can’t believe how attached I was to those writings that presented a unique rhythm in the telling of certain aspects of the story and maybe someday we will share more of the poetic license I took in my creative writing of the story in verse form.  

​Most importantly through all this writing It has been amazing how well two strong minded women aka Tracy and I have worked together in the telling of the story!    There were times when I would not hear from Tracy for a while and I would think “OMG.  She has changed her mind about writing.  About putting herself out there!”  I would fret….and then…take my 10000 steps into the woods with my consultants – Saje and Sugah- my female golden retrievers support team and ask their advice!! Then I would find a tree, sit quietly and reground getting my bearings about the issue at hand– and when the dogs weren’t chasing spruce hens to share the story with all the animals in the forest, they would remind me with their loving presence that all was well and Tracy just needed time to ‘Write and Recover’ because my questions were tough and sometimes brought forward some  difficult heart breaking writing for my partner in writing.   

But…we did it!!!! and have maintained a strong relationship and determination to get the book Gross Misconduct into as many hands as possible.  

Our purpose?   To bring awareness to the importance of speaking out about the need for men and women to challenge systems and laws that are not working in the best interest of women and children.  It is our quest to bring such issues into the forefront to change the culture of violence present in our society and make a difference in the lives of such women and children be it in homes, in schools, at social gatherings, on teams, in board rooms or in everyday life.  

The establishment of R & R Empowering Society of Alberta in the names of Ryder and Radek is one way to preserve their memory and provide children needing that hand up to pursue opportunities that their families could otherwise not provide them with.  As well helping women needing encouragements and support in moving beyond the confines of abusive relationships Is also a mission of the R & R Empowering Society of Alberta. Please explore the website for further information.

Stacy Crossland our social media and communications expert has been pivotal in her work to assist us in the promotion of such causes and we are extremely grateful for the gifts and talents Stacy brings to our team. Note the picture of Oiler alumni with whom she shared Gross Misconduct when the Oilers came to town!  You Go Girl!!

Our Victims Services Retreat presentation earlier this month was well received.  A group of caring women and one forward-thinking guy! – all who just wanted to know how they could do even better as “crisis” volunteers. They listened as Tracy shared her story and then asked questions of us both.  Previously our presentation at the Mayerthorpe Library was well attended by both men and women and has led to a visit next month to the Devon Library to share a book reading and discussion on November 22 at 7:00 pm. Registration is required by the 18th in order to attend.  Thanks to Mayerthorpe Librarian Marilyn for getting the word out that we are available to do such events! Another woman helping to change the world one reader at a time.

Last week I spoke with two powerful women at the Oilers gathering at the A & J Millar Centre. Kudos to The President of Whitecourt Minor Hockey Rand Richards and  another powerhouse woman, hockey mom and hockey director, Rhonda McKinnon!  Watch them go! 

Book Club Participants: Please note book readings by the authors of GROSS MISCONDUCT can be yours to create opportunities to have serious conversations regarding the safety of women and children.  Do not hesitate to connect with us to make that happen!
 
When women begin to GATHER, SPEAK OUT, TAKE LEADERSHIP ROLES, and STAND TOGETHER for changes needed in our society to STOP the subtle and overt violence against women and children, change CAN & WILL happen. Please share your book or grab it at the Whitecourt or Mayerthorpe library where books are available for purchase or loan.  Thank you to our librarians for making this happen!  

“Never doubt that a small group of committed citizens can change the world: indeed it’s the only thing that ever does”  Margaret Mead, Noted Anthropologist. 

LOVE SANDRA​
Picture
0 Comments

R&R Hot Stove - Oil Country in Whitecourt

10/18/2022

1 Comment

 
Good Morning Everyone.  Excitement is in the air as representatives of the Edmonton Oiler hockey team will be guests in our home community of Whitecourt this week to begin the celebration and appreciation of Oiler fans throughout Northern Alberta. And…we know there are many Oiler fans in Whitecourt…excluding our dear Stacy Crossland whose heart is with the Washington Capitals!  Sorry Stacy but It will be a sea of orange and blue jerseys in Whitecourt this week and will see our Junior A Wolverines playing their hearts out in front of our Oiler guests on Wednesday evening where hopefully every seat will be filled in the Scott Safety Centre Arena.  Sounds like a fun day and evening and of course we extend a warm Whitecourt welcome to our guests and honor them for giving us the privilege of their presence in our Whitecourt community. 

My husband David and I are old timers here having moved to Whitecourt to pursue teaching positions at St. Joseph’s School in 1976 with the plan of locking down a quarter section of land where we hoped to establish an Athletic School before such entities became the norm in our school systems.  We were both U of A Physical Education graduates and that first CHRISTMAS in Whitecourt I bought my husband a SEAL to ‘seal’ our dream of what was going to be THE THOMAS LONGBOAT ACADEMY. Thomas Longboard being Canada’s first indigenous Olympian. We had had the privilege of teaching in communities where the majority of our students were indigenous and as enthusiastic young “jocks” we would spend hours discussing our vision of what such a school would look like as our target was going to be Indigenous kids who needed a hand up to pursue the athleticism, we had had the privilege of being a part of in our first years of teaching. STILL HAVE THE SEAL!  We began our own family and of course our four kids  became our first priority as we did find that quarter section and started life out in the wilds of Alberta.  However, In the early ‘80s I became involved in the Alberta Sport Council which made significant changes in the Alberta sports scene in a lead up to the Calgary Olympics in 1988.  The idea of Sports Academies began to BLOSSOM and be a part of conversations and today such opportunities exist for many of our young athletes in many Alberta centres.


As circumstance and time would have it our goals changed as well and our initial vision morphed into a company called Accendo Incedo Magnus (AIM) International Inc., a human development company (now known AIM Counselling and run under the auspices of our daughter Kristin LeCoure,  Registered Psychologist).  Our initial vision not only included a run at making a difference in the public school system but in teaching adult learners and eventually providing counselling services to our citizens under the AIM umbrella. We both returned to graduate school to upgrade our credentials. We contracted with Alberta Career Development to operate Computer Managed Learning Centres on Northern Alberta Metis Settlements.  We taught the innovative program in Whitecourt bringing adult students up to speed in their academics and life management skills.  Our WCT student population was over 75% indigenous. The Whitecourt Learning Centre (WLC) my husband jokingly entitled it The Whitecourt ‘Laughing and Crying;’ Centre as we did a lot of both inside those walls as we got to know a number of our incredible Whitecourt Indigenous population. Our AIM vision statement: “To kindle the flame of the human spirit to AIM with power and enthusiasm toward the stars of one’s own universe wherever those stars might be was our North Star. Gayle Mackenzie a strong Metis elder and part of our Board of Directors teased us that AIM actually stood for the American Indian Movement which was a radical organization in the USA at that time.

The ‘Blue and Orange’ Oiler delegation roaming the street of our wonderful community this week comes on the heels of an incredible celebration on September 30/22 with a Truth and Reconciliation event organized and attended by many of our Indigenous population – some who had been our students as well as we, the settlers who joined our sisters and brothers.   ORANGE SHIRTS RULED IN ROTARY PARK! The pride I felt in being a part of such a beautifully crafted celebration in honor of the many indigenous children whose lives were lost or altered as evidenced by those survivors who spoke who had endured the terror of their residential school years was truly very touching.  Don Burnstick, a talented Indigenous comedian from Alexander Nation was somehow able to bring laughter into the healing circle and his statement that healing must always contain laughter was so pivotal in my experience sitting on the grass in our stellar Rotary Park.  The tradition of first serving the feast to the elders was honored and the stew and bannock just kept coming and coming! Then at the mic I saw one of our WLC graduates from years hence take the Mic and share a beautiful poem.  My heart swelled in hopes that maybe just maybe we had made a small different in her life for our learning Centres had been filled with laughter and…love and hope as was the celebration at Rotary Park - a true testament of the possibility of Truth and Reconciliation.

That evening, at the R & R Empowering Society Ladies Night so beautifully crafted by Tracy Stark and her team, I again witnessed the power of Reconciliation in the eyes of those present as Jody Tomke, my dear indigenous friend in the majesty of her traditional dress, honored the land and blessed the Ladies Night Event with such beauty and class. Tracy Stark in turn recognized the Whitecourt Indigenous Friends Society which Jody represented as the first recipient of a donation from the newly constructed R & R Empowering Society of Alberta to be used for the betterment of the lives of Indigenous children. 

The lighting of the traditional sweet grass followed and the smoke directed in the smudging of our hostess Tracy Stark who had never had the privilege of such a ceremony- was beyond significant and extremely touching.  I breathed deep, moved by the precious interaction between two powerful women and overcome by the thunderous applause in a room filled with many strong powerful women.  We…. are the answer and may our voices ring loudly as we continue on our quest as women to change the culture of the abuse and violence against women and children in all societies.  

And today……Here’s to THE ORANGE….and THE BLUE!  GO OILERS.   May you too join us in changing the culture of violence in our society!


LOVE Sandra

Picture
1 Comment

R&R Hot Stove - The Three Pillars of Care

10/11/2022

0 Comments

 
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!  Again, the Gods gifted us with the incredible beauty of the changing colors of autumn.  Since we had the good fortune of finding this beautiful quarter section so many years ago, our home has known the delightful sounds of children and adults celebrating outside and in as we focus on the many blessings afforded us as rural citizens in our beautiful Alberta, Canada each Thanksgiving.  Such has always been my favorite celebration but for some I am sure that they do not see it that way for many are struggling with simply putting food on the table these days.  May many with resources remember our friends and neighbours who need our support at the local Food Bank.

Two of my Calgary grandchildren who joined us for the Thanksgiving holiday, Winston (7) and Stella (9) shared The Three Pillars of Care they had learned this fall as guidelines for behaviors at their school -Olympic Heights School - in Calgary.


THE THREE PILLARS OF CARE
  1.  TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
  2.  TAKE CARE OF OTHERS
  3.  TAKE CARE OF OUR PLACE

These youngsters were so eager to share these pillars at our Thanksgiving table.  They had obviously made an impact on them. We attempted to incorporate these behaviors into our Thanksgiving Weekend and talked about them with both kids and adults. I googled the school to learn more and add this important premise that followed the Pillars.  

“Students are instructed regularly about bullying/harmful behaviors and the strategies to deal with social conflicts.  Every student has a role and responsibility when it comes to bullying/hurtful behaviors and what it takes to create a sense of belonging for everyone.  Every student learns to give an “I feel” statement when this kind of behavior occurs.”

I am moved by the clarity of what our schools are attempting to do to decrease bullying. Pink Shirt Days of course being one such initiative. The Pillars of Care an obvious other.  I cannot tell you how many of my adult clients have shared that such childhood bullying by others has had a significant impact on them STILL negotiating relationships in their lives. How such had crushed their self-esteem long-time!  

Where do kids learn to bully? To disrespect others?  In the classroom? On the playground?  In the dressing room?  At their relatives?  On the playing field or dance class?  All can be venues for bullying and demeaning behaviors BUT each situation must be overridden by nonbullying behaviors and ways to deal with disagreements and poor behaviors in the most important venue of all.  THE HOME - be that home intact or separated.  Parents have the greatest responsibility to ensure they are not modelling bullying behaviors which are all too common particularly if parents have not done their own work to break the chain of TRAUMA AND VIOLENCE, they experienced themselves as defenseless little kids in a home where their boundaries were violated.      

Yelling, Hitting, Scaring kids into Submission, Modeling disrespectful behaviors to each other or one’s children is unconscionable behavior that too many kids experience at the hands of the bigger people in their lives. We all know the expression – Hurt people Hurt people.  And all too often children who witness or experience violence continue that same pattern as adults in their relationships or roles.

Human beings all start out as helpless tender souls.  We get our sense of self from our primary caregivers who ‘delight” in us ……or crush us with their inability to “deal” with the task of being  parents.  Parenting is the most challenging job on earth.  Children learn what they live and all are initially helpless human creatures simply wanting their basic needs to be met. Babies do not cry because they are bad creations!  They let you know their needs by crying.  Our challenge is figuring out what they need from us to not only survive but to thrive! 

HOME is where children learn their greatest lessons of how to handle adversity.  HOME is all too often where many first witness violence or are violated.  Being a part of such becomes tattooed on their souls and all too often becomes a template for continuing the vicious cycle of violence in many of their interactions as they grow to adulthood where the pattern continues as a way of walking in the adult world.  Add in rage and decreased self-worth or addictions as the cycle continues?  A scary trajectory for those in their path! 

Parents are their children’s greatest role models and if one thinks his or her children are not seriously impacted by experiencing unhealthy behaviors between their parents or that is directed at them or one of their siblings, think again. I have heard people say “We never fight in front of the kids so they are fine” Really?  Parents are modeling how to be in relationship, how to negotiate and manage conflict and how each parent takes care of him or herself. Kids feel the tension!  Violence by silence is also a “real” thing in families. Children pick up on such energy as well as experiencing such behaviors where everyone is walking on egg shells so fearful of a family member’s rage or terrified of being an object their parents’ abuse.  

I wonder what Pillars of Care you and your family team would develop around your kitchen table so that each individual would feel safe and cared for and free from the claws of bullying and violence all too prevalent in too many homes and in our society at large? May you and your family take time to build your own Family Pillars of Care with all members having a voice in such. It would be interesting what each family member would say…even the four-year-old ….as you establish some parameters for the health and well-being of your most cherished TEAM  that being your family where TOGETHER EVERYONE ACCOMPLISHES MIRACLES and everyone’s voice matters!

LOVE SANDRA
Picture
0 Comments

R & R Hot Stove - Happy Anniversary to us!

10/3/2022

0 Comments

 
Good Afternoon Everyone! Bright sunshine continues to bring forward the wonder of our world out here in the wilds of Northern Alberta, CANADA.  But TODAY is even more than that because today my “SWEATHEART” and I celebrate fifty-two years of marriage…..to the same people aka…each other! Happy Anniversary my Sweet Dave!

We were INITIALLY more ‘sweat hearts’ than “sweet hearts”.  We had both been members of Canadian Champion athletic teams David being an Edmonton Huskie football player and I a University of Alberta Basketball Panda. We met in 1967 as physical education students in Dr. Arthur Erickson’s Health Class.  Well.  We didn’t actually MEET initially. I just admired him from afar as I sat in class having trouble concentrating on learning some boring aspect of teaching ‘health’ classes to junior high students.  Instead, I was simply OOGLING the dark-haired athlete sitting two seats over…and three seats down.  When class ended, I would sprint quietly through the Education Gym on my tiptoes so as not to disturb the class in session to ‘accidentally’ run in to this ‘object of my affections’ on his way to his physiology class as he thoroughly captured my attention before he knew I was alive.  That race across the gym ended the day the instructor of the gym class not so quietly suggested I stop disturbing her class by running through it as she reported that the class waited with great anticipation for my interruption! I slowly slinked out of her class and then raced to complete my reconnaissance mission!  There he was just ahead! Me still admiring him from a distance!
 
However, I finally got the courage to ask out the OBJECT OF my racing heart – to a Lister Hall Residence Formal.  Not being good with liquor I actually fell asleep at the table across from him for a few minutes and we did end up leaving the event before I started snoring as he gave me a gentle nudge and we headed to watch THE CANADIAN Women’s Basketball CHAMPIONSHIP final being held on campus. He would say…nothing has really changed regarding my ability to handle alcohol in these 52 years…..I only made it to 8:30 pm at the first Whitecourt Wolverine Ladies Night as Tracy Stark continually reminds me! However,…back to the story.  

Three years later on October 03, 1970 I married my “captured prey” – LOL- this love of my life while “COME SING A SONG OF JOY” the anthem of the Love and Peace movement of the late sixties played us to the altar! 

What the heck does this have to do with anything??? Here it is…..the essence of the story…….I picked well!   My “JOCK” as we called our PE classmates and I took our time to get to know each other – our strengths and our challenges.  We became a strong team together resonating similar goals and values, respecting our differences and as we began our life together learning that Housework is not 50-50.  Parenting…… is not 50-50. Yard Work is not 50-50.   It involves giving 100% of what you have in you as husband and wife each day. We have never forgotten our team experiences where Together Everyone Accomplishes Miracles. It is working together as the co-captains of your family team to make each and every day a good day.  It is communicating when you are overwhelmed rather than pulling the “VIOLENCE BY SILENCE” card or being a bitch because ‘He should just know what to do!” It is honoring the importance of each of you finding down time or self care time to restore your physical and mental states.  It is putting connecting with your wife or husband on your To Do List! Remembering why you got together in the first place!   It is working out what works for each of you to give your best each day or recognizing that on a team every player needs to step up and be a part of the solution to make your lives and the lives of your children rock and roll.  It is taking time each day to be grateful for all you have, for the beauty of your children, your shelter, your animals or our planet. It is focusing on what you want rather than what you do not want because whatever you focus on expands!

In April of 2019 when Tracy approached me to write with her from my perspective as her therapist, I approached my husband to discuss the possibility of writing Tracy’s story.  He did not hesitate for a second saying “It is critically important that this story be told and you would be good at it.” Perhaps he did not know it would take three years to do so but never once did he ever complain, always encouraged, dried my tears and his own when I read him the tough spots when I had trouble keeping it together. He shared his perceptions on the telling of the story. Initially, after a day filled with writing, I would try to read him what I had written.  He stopped me.  “You cannot read me these segments after dark Sandra.  I will not be able to sleep.  Nor will you. Let’s wait ‘til Morning.”  I was so absorbed in what I was doing I did not realize that perhaps that had something to do with my own sleeping challenges.  So then because of his intervention when I wanted to read or edit or reread chapters it was done in the light of day!

So many men are truly tender souls who know that crying is not a sign of weakness.  Rather it is TRULY a sign of Strength to be brave enough to feel - feel the feelings – a quality so needed in relationships. Why do you think guys love hockey?  So they can hug their brothers and feel the feelings when they hoist the Cup with buddies who will be lifelong friends as they say with tears evident, “I LOVE YOU MAN!” to their teammates!  

We need MEN to read the book GROSS MISCONDUCT HITTING FROM BEHIND.  Don Burnstick, an incredible Indigenous comedian spoke passionately - filled with humour as well as serious talk -at the Truth and Reconciliation Event at Rotary Park in Whitecourt on Friday, September 30/22.  Don talked about how Indigenous women have been the leaders in their communities in attempting to change the culture of violence against women and children.  He reinforced the importance of men needing to be involved and speaking up, supporting initiatives and changing attitudes surrounding abuse to protect women and children from such family violence in his culture.  He commended the women for all that they have accomplished in this arena in the last few years.  However, he stated the importance of all men too finding their voices to end the culture of violence in his culture as well as in our Canadian society at large. We need the input and voices of the many men who truly know that joining together with their women who are speaking up and developing initiatives to end such violence is critical! Women and the men who love them well will make a formidable team because Together Everyone Accomplishes Miracles.

My first line centre in the game of life who I affectionately call “McTracy” Stark to honor her likeness to the passion and tenacity of the Oiler’s Connor McDavid in the game of hockey - has put her life out there in our book to be shifted through, criticized and judged.  She wanted it raw and she wanted it real to call out societal systems that failed her in her attempt to save her boys.  As well when relationships break down mothers and fathers MUST find ways to respectfully work together to ensure that their kids who are the ‘victims’ of such separations have the best possible team still working to ensure their children grow in ‘wisdom and in stature’ from the HEALHTY love and positive attention of both parents focused on doing the best for their children when they live in separated circumstances.  More on this in another episode of the R & R Hot Stove.

Off on a bit of a tangent, this old Sage.  LOL!   My husband just texted me from his chair in the living room to ask if I am finished yet! I reply “Almost”  

We know there are many good men out there who are incredible fathers.  Men like my Dave who has been the best possible husband and father I could ever have walked with on this earth.  We women need men’s voices to join ours in ending the culture of violence all too present in our patriarchal society so we can be LEADERS in ending the oppression against women and children in the world. Check out the NEWS and the leadership role women in Iran are taking and the stepping up of their men!  My prayers and love goes with them in their courage to challenge the status quo in Iran where women live in oppressed circumstances. 

On a final note, It is a tragedy that in our so-called civilized society  we must raise money for Women’s shelters to protect our women and children and other at-risk citizens from abuse rather than calling out all men who mistreat some of our most vulnerable citizens.  Please join our team by attending events open to men and joining us in calling out the bullies who exist not just in our schools for children but in our work places as well! And may our book Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind find its way into your hands!

NOW after all that………….Off to Celebrate 52 wonderful years of Bliss!  OK! Maybe 49/52 but …. almost batting 100%. Much better than any baseball team! Go Blue Jays! 

Thank you David Kolbuc for your incredible support for my passion to join TRACY STARK AND be a part of changing the world – one reader at a time!   And okay -……I WILL join you in watching the Blue Jays …..later! Love you forever….and then some!

Love,

​Sandra
Picture
0 Comments

RnR Hot Stove: The R&R Empowering Society of Alberta

9/26/2022

0 Comments

 
Good Morning Everyone!  Today is a good day to have a good day!  Beautiful sunshine out here in the wilds of Northern Alberta  and my mind is full of reflection on the week past and anticipation for my week ahead. The thoughts and prayers of the R & R Team are also on all those with friends and relations on Canada’s East Coast  this past week.  Many friends and relations have been hit hard by the storms off NFLD and Nova Scotia and may those struggling find the strong spirit that is part of our East Coasters.  May you all work together to “Rise Again”.      Both Tracy and I have many special friends who reside in or come from that area. This past summer Tracy even had the distinct pleasure of being screeched in and ‘kissing the cod.! Send We are sending  hope and strength to all those affected by the storms that have ravished the east coast of our beautiful Canada, our true north ‘strong and free’  We are ONE and we send you buckets of love!

Our week was also filled with much love at Hart’s Table and Bar in Edmonton on Saturday night where over a hundred people came together to celebrate the inauguration of expanding the focus of the former R & R Memorial Foundation.  The R & R Memorial Foundation was initially focused on providing funds only to families in Whitecourt, Alberta needing a hand up in order to have a child play organized hockey.  Stay tuned for testimonials in future blogs of some of our past recipients who have benefited from such assistance from the R & R Memorial Foundation.  The new entity is now entitled THE R & R Empowering Society of Alberta. It is now the purpose of the organization to create greater awareness and extend its reach provincially to all Alberta youngsters not just in hockey but in many other extracurricular pursuits.  As well a dynamic of the new society now includes assistance both financially and educationally for those families where leaving an abusive environment is an issue and where help is needed for breaking free of  such dangerous situations in an ultimate quest to end the culture of violence all too prevalent in our society. I had the privilege of introducing the force behind the initial establishment of and the expanded focus of the new organization.  Here are some excerpts from my introduction of that “force” at Hart’s Table and Bar in Edmonton on Saturday night.

“Good Evening Everyone.  To celebrate the inauguration of the R & R Empowering Society of Alberta.  I  am delighted to begin our incredible evening by introducing to you the force behind the establishment of a new entity formerly known as the R & R Memorial Foundation. In order to expand its reach and focus the new organization has now been christened as THE R & R EMPOWERING SOCIETY OF ALBERTA. 

My name is Sandra Young Kolbuc and I have the distinct honor of introducing a woman who epitomizes the expression “When the going gets tough, the tough gets going!”  One cold winter day in December of 2016, six days before Christmas, the life trajectory of this woman tragically and unimaginably changed in an instant when she and her husband Brent discover that her hockey playing boys, Radek 11 and Ryder 13, had both been brutally murdered in a double murder/suicide at the hand of their biological father in Spruce Grove, Alberta.   Such was a horrendous nightmare from which she could not awaken.  

In the depth of her sorrow this woman made a solid pledge to her sons that their brief lives on this earth would make a difference in the lives of other mothers and children.  Her life work became a job she had never applied for that of nurturing the legacy of two beautiful sons who now play on Heaven’s All Star Team.

In our work together as therapist and client and subsequently in our working together to write a heartfelt book entitled Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind   which we birthed and coddled over a pandemic was finally be released on March 23/2022. As all hockey fans know a gross misconduct is the worst penalty a player can receive in the game of hockey. The woman of whom I speak was truly hit from behind by the untimely death of her two children by the actions of their biological father whom she had trusted to do right by them.  

What I truly wanted in the book title was one more line and that line which eventually found its place on the back cover of the book  was A MOTHER’S LOVE STORY because the essence of our book is ultimately that. A MOTHER’S LOVE STORY and the launching of the new entity precisely defines such love for her two sons to perpetuate their memory and make a difference for other children.
    
This woman  of whom I speak truly represents both  grace and grit , dedication and determination as evidenced in her tenacious quest to ensure that the short lives of her boys Ryder Patryk &  Radek Stryker  make a difference in a world. Our world at this time is desperately short of real heroes.  But tonight WE HAVE ONE such hero amongst us in this room.

I continue to witness the intensity of her purpose and her desire to change the lives of both women and children in our corner of the universe on behalf of her sons.  Tonight, this woman will share her commitment to bringing life to The R & R Empowering Society of Alberta.  Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome to the microphone - a first line centre in this game of life – one courageous woman named TRACY STARK.” 

Love Sandra

Please visit The R&R Empowering Society of Alberta's new website @ www.rnrempoweringsocietyofalberta.ca
0 Comments

RnR Hot Stove - Changes in Hockey

9/19/2022

0 Comments

 
GOOD MONDAY AFTERNOON EVERYONE!  Hope first week of school went well for…everyone!

When I was a young girl of twelve BACK IN THE DARK AGES, I was totally passionate about hockey.  I even collected hockey cards and autographs from hockey stars and was a focused participant with our family’s hockey game with the marble and metal hockey players.  As well I was a street hockey fanatic!  The ‘rink’ was the roadway in front of our home. But…  every Saturday morning, I got to play with the CUB SCOUTS organization.  Mr. Johnny Jenkins, my neighbor and father of three boys, told me I was better than all the boys out on the rink!  Needless to say, he was my favorite person in the world as I was the only girl brave enough to put on my white figure skates and don a hockey stick amongst the boys.  BUT then – Tragedy! I began to develop boobs and my time on the ice…ended.  Girls were not allowed to play organized hockey. That was a BOYS ONLY club where young boys learned to be MEN. What happened in the dressing room stayed in the dressing room.  NO GIRLS ALLOWED!!

There was no use for me as a young woman to cry about my being unable to continue in my passion for hockey.  That was just the way it was for a girl aka ‘a tomboy’ like me.   It was a cultural norm in our society that girls did not play hockey so….. I switched to playing basketball which was “allowed” by the powers that be at that time on a girls’ team of course.   So basketball became my passion and I never gave much thought to my change in sport although when I was 12 or 13, I did sneak on my brother’s Toronto Maple Leaf sweater and hockey gear one day when he was away and had my mother take a picture of me in it.  Of course today I wanted to post that picture and can’t find it.  Probably somewhere with my forever missing Day-Timer. 

However, September 4, 2022, I had the privilege of watching CANADA’S esteemed captain and mother #29 MARIE PHILIP POULIN of TEAM CANADA block the final shot of the game by her American opponent and with the two-goal game of her outstanding teammate #19 BRIANNE JENNER I witnessed CANADA win the WOMEN’S WORLD HOCKEY CHAMPIONSHIP the second year in a row!   As the old feminist saying goes “We’ve come a long way BABY! “CONGRATULATIONS to our Canadian Women’s Hockey Team!

However, in many instances girls and women are still battling for EQUAL ICE TIME with the boys’ and men’s team.  They are still wearing second hand boys’ jerseys after the boys get new ones.  As women we are still battling with a hockey culture that needs a permanent definitive overhaul to espouse values that lead our players to be outstanding citizens because of their experiences on and off the ice as team members.  One of my female friends continually refers to men’s hockey as ‘legalized violence’ and finds allowing fighting as an integral part of the men’s game …disturbing.  Is that how we want our boys to handle conflict off the ice?  Is that how we stop bullying off the ice and sometimes in the dressing room …..where Might makes Right?? 

However, our brave hockey women players are leading the way forward in changing the culture of hockey on the heels of women like Billie Jean King, Serena Williams, Hayley Wickenheiser and other female athletes ever alert to the need for women to find their voices for an equal and fair seat at the ‘Sport’ tables.  May we all read Sheryl Sandberg’s best-selling book from a few years ago entitled LEANIN’ IN. May we also know that combining our femininity, our style with tenacity is also acceptable on the ice and off.  Thanks Serena!  What a Champion!  Another Game Changer! 

We need to speak out about things that matter in so many aspects of our society.  Exposed sexual abuse issues coming to light in junior hockey antics off the ice and pay outs made to victims for their silence to avoid charges being laid against the perpetrators because they play hockey is beyond reprehensible and has led Hockey Canada to consider important changes in the way things are handled in our hockey ‘family’.  

HOCKEY and CANADA are interchangeable words.  “Since 1914 Hockey Canada has been the organization that Canadians have trusted to lead, develop and promote positive hockey experiences.  In 2019, it expanded its reach to require the board to have at least two male and two female members to ‘better reflect Canadian society and to be more diverse and inclusive.’  A small but good first step one hundred years later!

However recent events have called that initial trust given Hockey Canada in 1914 into question with the junior hockey fiasco that has come to light this summer. “Pursuant to Hockey Canada bylaws the members of Hockey Canada’s Board of Directors have appointed Andrea Skinner to serve as interim Chair of the Board.  Ms. Skinner was first elected to the Hockey Canada Board of Directors in November of 2020 and has volunteered countless hours in service to the organization. In her past, Skinner was a former captain of the Cornell University Women’s hockey team and served as assistant coach of the University of Ottawa’s women’s hockey team as well as serving a hockey referee.   She practices law as a partner at Aird & Berlis LLP where she also serves as Chair of the Diversity and Inclusion Committee and leads the firm’s Mental Health Initiative.”  It was exciting for me as a forever female athlete to hear her speak about her new role between the first and second periods of the championship game and I wish her every success in her new challenging role.  May she be as brave and tenacious in her new role as she was as a player on the ice. 

Ms. Skinner must be a dynamic leader and find her voice to speak loudly and clearly from a mother and woman’s perspective about totally unacceptable behaviors and practices now being revealed and reviewed in the hockey community and in need of serious consideration and change. The secrecy surrounding inappropriate bullying behavior by coaches, parents and players alike must end. Young hockey players are our sons and grandsons, our daughters and granddaughters and are negatively affected by inadequate and unfair practices in sport and in society generally both on and off the playing surfaces. 
 
Yes.  We as women must never be silent as we still have ‘a long way to go … BABY! ‘  We must continue to find our voices about changes needed in the best interest of our most vulnerable citizens – women and both boys and girls alike – in all facets of society. 

Hockey culture is a great platform on which to inject our more serious concerns as we model good behaviors as parents, volunteers, coaches and players as we teach and model for our boys and girls how to be good people respectful of all the fans in the stands, our opponents, our coaches and each other.  
 
Please join our team in finding your voice about things that matter and may you be courageous enough to read our book Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind. If you have not yet done so please share your good reviews on Amazon.  If bad,  just send them to me!  We need to bring greater awareness to the need for change in our world. We need you on our TEAM where TOGETHER EVERYONE (will) ACCOMPLISH MIRACLES and change the culture of violence in our society!  

                                                                                                                                Love Sandra

Picture
0 Comments
<<Previous

    Sandra Young Kolbuc

    Sandra is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist  who has been in private practice since 1993. As an incredibly engaging speaker Sandra as a storyteller weaves together her adventures as a woman of the earth, a wife, mother, grandmother, professional therapist and good good friend finding joy and hilarity in life coupled with serious reflection on the challenges that exist in life.

    Archives

    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

  • Home
  • About The Authors
  • About The Book
  • Contact
  • Media
  • Subscribe
  • The R&R Hot Stove - Blog