RnR Hot Stove... Taking Care of Yourself

GOOD MONDAY AFTERNOON EVERYONE!

This morning I am basking in the beauty of the morning out here in the wilds of Northern Alberta. I love getting up before the rest of the world and listening to the sounds of the earth waking up as my brain too begins that process. I am a WORDLE fan now which helps to wake up my brain! As well for years I have been a great follower of Robin Sharma, a motivational speaker and author originally from the East Coast of Canada. In May of 2017 after moving from full time practice as a counselling therapist to part time so I could write my own story entitled You Don’t Have To Climb a Mountain. I signed up for an inspirational 63-day online program by Robin Sharma.  Each day I arose at 5 a.m. and headed to my office upstairs and listened to my new guru.  His message was short and inspiring. He cited research that indicated that change did not take 21 days as many believe.  Rather change required 63 days to alter the neural pathways in the brain.  Hence the length of the course.  I adapted the 20-20-20 ritual he purported - 20 minutes of Exercise, 20 Minutes of Meditation and 20 Minutes of Journaling where I would record Five Wins for the day ahead (things I would AIM to accomplish) and 12 Blessings in my life. The Blessing part alone has been shown to change brain pathways as well.  I am always a bit over the top so I adapted Sharma’s system to suit my needs at 30 minutes each for the three tasks.

 My other ritualistic endeavor I added later in the day was the daunting 10000 steps along the trails or roads of my world with my urban poles, my two golden retrievers and my Bear Spray …just in case.  I would listen to one podcast or another.  Always craving to learn more as I AIMed again to bring forward the best version of this old babe!  A bit of a nerd…me!   These ritualistic practices became my way of being to begin my day.   As a high energy individual such helped me create focus and, as a forever jock, maintain my fitness.

Then…in April of 2019 Tracy Stark asked me to join her in writing her story from my perspective as her therapist.  We made that decision and all was great as I peppered her with questions!  My 30-30-30 routine sustained me in the writing process but…writing the book was not an easy journey.  When things got challenging it seemed that the claws of my little MacBook Pro reached out to grab me as I entered my office.  It was almost like a giant magnet …and I was a handful of nails! I heard the voice from that 12” by 8” piece of metal.  It seemed to be speaking directly at me although there was no sound from the device.

“Sandra just have a look at that line on page 43.  It don’t (sic) sound right!  Or “You know you have been thinking all night about what you wrote yesterday.  Maybe just take five minutes to look it over. Then you can do your yoga.”

I could not even look at that bloody digital device.  I was its prisoner!  “Just five minutes?  Okay……”  Four hours later…… 

I also found if I attempted to change my sequence and think “Well I’m a little tired.  Maybe I will meditate in the hot tub for thirty minutes first before I do my yoga.”  Then I was a goner, again!  My poor yoga kept getting kicked to the curb!

So…I could not even look at my computer nor listen to the voice in my head or I was a captive to …the BOOK! And then…. Tracy kept sharing more and more phenomenal experiences that were critical pieces of her story.  Such, in my mind, needed to be in the book.  We would chat.  She would say “Somewhere we have to end the book, Sandra!”   But how could I end it while life went on and on and was filled with more incredible moments of the love and light and connection of so many loving and caring individuals?  As well there were moments of the deep deep pain of my client which we also chronicled in the book because we wanted people to sense into their own feelings as they learned more of the story.  This book was not an intellectual exercise although you will learn more about therapy and trauma.  It is however a heartbreaking story of both love and loss. 

Tracy would continually say “I want it raw and real Sandra.  I want people to feel what I feel.”  I agreed wholeheartedly because when you have more than an intellectual discussion???? That is when things change. I have had the privilege of many men who share they are ‘reading thru water.’  We are both so grateful for men and women who allow themselves to feel a mother’s pain.  Tracy gave me the facts in full blown color. Her anger was beyond intense.  But under that anger there was such profound grief and deep pain. 
Never in a million years did she expect this from the biological father of her boys.  He loved them.  Anniversaries continue to drive that despair in my beautiful client but she gets up, dusts herself off and continues on this forever journey to change the experience of other children by a vengeful parent.  To me feeling that universal pain of a mother losing both her beautiful boys in such a horrendous manner is how we evoke change. If we do not allow ourselves to feel something, nothing changes. Yes.  It may bring up old stuff of your own but maybe, just maybe, it is time to deal with the unspoken memories or witnessing of abuse or the control that continues to permeate your own life.  Maybe it is time to seek help to deal with old wounds that continue to influence your decisions or…your own self-worth.  Maybe it is time to share your story with those you trust.  Abuse is not just physical.  It is also emotional, verbal, financial and includes coercive control that may carry reparations for years because of experiencing such behavior or ...impact youngsters, who witness such, to become perpetrators or victims.     

Domestic violence has been too long a secret not discussed.    A beautiful young man shared with me that he was not bullied at school. He was bullied at home by his brother.  Another told me of being humiliated by his hockey coach who yelled and swore at his players in the dressing room calling them ‘faggots’ and ‘little pricks or the worst insult when the ignorant coach said he was “playing like a girl.”  If only…  Changes need to be made in systems.  We have sports coaches reading our book.  We have social workers reading our book.  We have lawyers reading our book.  We have everyday people sharing their stories with us.  We need all who care about the safety of women and children to read and weep and gather strength by making the “unspeakable” speakable!

When a perpetrator dies as well as his victims the story dissolves into the abyss.  No one knows the trajectory of the story.  Tracy and I have put her story and that of her boys’ experience out there.  We share her heartbreak and her healing journey.  We share a story that will never end for her.  Many have come to our table to share their own stories of abuse, humiliation and coercive control.  We must all find our voices – men and women – to change laws, policies and procedures that did not protect Tracy and her boys and others like them.  We cannot not let Tracy’s story die.  Such laws and procedures regarding abuse and coercive control must be reviewed and changes made in the name of kids like Ryder and Radek.  It is beyond a sad story.  It is about every single individual who has a history of abuse to begin to see that change begins within an individual by speaking up about things that matter in STOPPING THE VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN AND CHILDREN.   May you read the book and encourage others to find their voices as well!  May you connect with us if you have venues where we can influence others to speak up.  And if you are called to begin your own healing journey, please use the resources in the back of the book to begin such a healing walk. 
                    
LOVE SANDRA
                            
PS:  Back on Track with my 30-30-30 – AT LEAST AFTER I SIGN OFF.  TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!