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RnR Hot Stove - Editing, editing, editing

10/25/2022

GOOD MONDAY MORNING EVERYONE! A day late and a dollar short! Just returned from a great trip to MacKenzie B.C. where I had the pleasure to hug all weekend the Acting Captain of the MacKenzie Mountaineers – my grandson Gavin Kolbuc Stark! Proud to be his Gramma!

This past summer we hit the other end of BC with a visit to Red Mountain and had the privilege of visiting with the first editor of the manuscript Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind.

It took courage for my trusted long-time friend Connie Braithwaite to share her perspectives with me, the new author. Connie had just finished editing the work of another author when I asked for her editing expertise. She was a godsend, diligent in her editing and brave enough to hold nothing back in her evaluation. As well, she could see a comma out of place a mile away! Sometimes her words were not easy to hear. Sometimes after her input I needed to take long walks in the beauty of the boreal woodlands talking to my two ‘golden girls’ because her remarks sometimes ‘tested’ me to change the trajectory of what or how I was writing. She was kind but determined that the story continue to focus on Tracy and her boys Radek and Ryder when I sometimes went off on some other tangent on my soapbox! But that is what true friends do isn’t it? Give you that loving good advice that may be hard to give and…hard to hear but can travel between two connected heart knowing that each of you wants the best for the other and holds that intention between you. Thank you, Connie, for making me a better writer and for being a valuable part of our writing team in the bid to bring forward the best possible version of the story of Ryder and Radek and the painful incredible journey of healing of their Mama, Tracy Stark. Strong women are changing the world and my friend Connie is one of them!

Others on my editing team included two more straight talkers in the likes of Kristin Kolbuc LeCoure, my oldest daughter and fellow AIM therapist who challenged me to think and write like a young mom rather than an ‘old..er gramma’ LOL! when I was lost in a particular challenging recounting of Tracy’s experience. Thirdly what a gift my son Joseph who had coached both Ryder and ‘Radek gave me in ensuring the book was not only written from a strong female perspective but was written as well to gain the support of men touched by the story and who we need to advocate for changes to procedures, systems and attitudes that failed Tracy in her quest to take care of her sons. A male perspective on my writing was a godsend. I was so very privileged to have such feedback from those who I think still love me LOL! Then… Tracy’s excellent writings in answer to the many questions I posed and her patience as I struggled in my role of having to eliminate anything I had written that did not resonate with my co-writer. Tracy’s answers to my questions were amazing when as I knew that revisiting situations would be difficult and it was not my intention to retraumatize her in her recollections. Sometimes we needed to regroup and do some grounding to settle such unsettling recounting of what had transpired. Her damn red pen too was also MOST diligent in her editing process. Some entries I fought for and lost to my main character who was stellar and firm in her perceptions as chief editor of what should and should not be in the book! After all it was her story! Other writings I fought for and won particularly when I wanted to educate people about dealing with trauma. I too as the collaborator of the story was tenacious. But…thought it all we remained so respectful of each other’s point of view and worked at finding solutions to our different points of view! We were two women on a mission to collaborate well to make this the best possible version of GROSS MISCONDUCT HITTING FROM BEHIND.

Removing the poems initially included in the manuscript was one of the hardest parts for both of us. (See very early R & R Hot Stove posts for one such poem) Our professional Friesen editor strongly advised us to eliminate the poems to maintain our focus and the serious nature of what was being written. I can’t believe how attached I was to those writings that presented a unique rhythm in the telling of certain aspects of the story and maybe someday we will share more of the poetic license I took in my creative writing of the story in verse form.

Most importantly through all this writing It has been amazing how well two strong minded women aka Tracy and I have worked together in the telling of the story! There were times when I would not hear from Tracy for a while and I would think “OMG. She has changed her mind about writing. About putting herself out there!” I would fret….and then…take my 10000 steps into the woods with my consultants – Saje and Sugah- my female golden retrievers support team and ask their advice!! Then I would find a tree, sit quietly and reground getting my bearings about the issue at hand– and when the dogs weren’t chasing spruce hens to share the story with all the animals in the forest, they would remind me with their loving presence that all was well and Tracy just needed time to ‘Write and Recover’ because my questions were tough and sometimes brought forward some difficult heart breaking writing for my partner in writing.

But…we did it!!!! and have maintained a strong relationship and determination to get the book Gross Misconduct into as many hands as possible.

Our purpose? To bring awareness to the importance of speaking out about the need for men and women to challenge systems and laws that are not working in the best interest of women and children. It is our quest to bring such issues into the forefront to change the culture of violence present in our society and make a difference in the lives of such women and children be it in homes, in schools, at social gatherings, on teams, in board rooms or in everyday life.

The establishment of R & R Empowering Society of Alberta in the names of Ryder and Radek is one way to preserve their memory and provide children needing that hand up to pursue opportunities that their families could otherwise not provide them with. As well helping women needing encouragements and support in moving beyond the confines of abusive relationships Is also a mission of the R & R Empowering Society of Alberta. Please explore the website for further information.

Stacy Crossland our social media and communications expert has been pivotal in her work to assist us in the promotion of such causes and we are extremely grateful for the gifts and talents Stacy brings to our team. Note the picture of Oiler alumni with whom she shared Gross Misconduct when the Oilers came to town! You Go Girl!!

Our Victims Services Retreat presentation earlier this month was well received. A group of caring women and one forward-thinking guy! – all who just wanted to know how they could do even better as “crisis” volunteers. They listened as Tracy shared her story and then asked questions of us both. Previously our presentation at the Mayerthorpe Library was well attended by both men and women and has led to a visit next month to the Devon Library to share a book reading and discussion on November 22 at 7:00 pm. Registration is required by the 18th in order to attend. Thanks to Mayerthorpe Librarian Marilyn for getting the word out that we are available to do such events! Another woman helping to change the world one reader at a time.

Last week I spoke with two powerful women at the Oilers gathering at the A & J Millar Centre. Kudos to The President of Whitecourt Minor Hockey Rand Richards and another powerhouse woman, hockey mom and hockey director, Rhonda McKinnon! Watch them go!

Book Club Participants: Please note book readings by the authors of GROSS MISCONDUCT can be yours to create opportunities to have serious conversations regarding the safety of women and children. Do not hesitate to connect with us to make that happen!

When women begin to GATHER, SPEAK OUT, TAKE LEADERSHIP ROLES, and STAND TOGETHER for changes needed in our society to STOP the subtle and overt violence against women and children, change CAN & WILL happen. Please share your book or grab it at the Whitecourt or Mayerthorpe library where books are available for purchase or loan. Thank you to our librarians for making this happen!

“Never doubt that a small group of committed citizens can change the world: indeed it’s the only thing that ever does” Margaret Mead, Noted Anthropologist.

LOVE SANDRA

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R&R Hot Stove - Oil Country in Whitecourt

10/18/2022

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Good Morning Everyone. Excitement is in the air as representatives of the Edmonton Oiler hockey team will be guests in our home community of Whitecourt this week to begin the celebration and appreciation of Oiler fans throughout Northern Alberta. And…we know there are many Oiler fans in Whitecourt…excluding our dear Stacy Crossland whose heart is with the Washington Capitals! Sorry Stacy but It will be a sea of orange and blue jerseys in Whitecourt this week and will see our Junior A Wolverines playing their hearts out in front of our Oiler guests on Wednesday evening where hopefully every seat will be filled in the Scott Safety Centre Arena. Sounds like a fun day and evening and of course we extend a warm Whitecourt welcome to our guests and honor them for giving us the privilege of their presence in our Whitecourt community.

My husband David and I are old timers here having moved to Whitecourt to pursue teaching positions at St. Joseph’s School in 1976 with the plan of locking down a quarter section of land where we hoped to establish an Athletic School before such entities became the norm in our school systems. We were both U of A Physical Education graduates and that first CHRISTMAS in Whitecourt I bought my husband a SEAL to ‘seal’ our dream of what was going to be THE THOMAS LONGBOAT ACADEMY. Thomas Longboard being Canada’s first indigenous Olympian. We had had the privilege of teaching in communities where the majority of our students were indigenous and as enthusiastic young “jocks” we would spend hours discussing our vision of what such a school would look like as our target was going to be Indigenous kids who needed a hand up to pursue the athleticism, we had had the privilege of being a part of in our first years of teaching. STILL HAVE THE SEAL! We began our own family and of course our four kids became our first priority as we did find that quarter section and started life out in the wilds of Alberta. However, In the early ‘80s I became involved in the Alberta Sport Council which made significant changes in the Alberta sports scene in a lead up to the Calgary Olympics in 1988. The idea of Sports Academies began to BLOSSOM and be a part of conversations and today such opportunities exist for many of our young athletes in many Alberta centres.

As circumstance and time would have it our goals changed as well and our initial vision morphed into a company called Accendo Incedo Magnus (AIM) International Inc., a human development company (now known AIM Counselling and run under the auspices of our daughter Kristin LeCoure, Registered Psychologist). Our initial vision not only included a run at making a difference in the public school system but in teaching adult learners and eventually providing counselling services to our citizens under the AIM umbrella. We both returned to graduate school to upgrade our credentials. We contracted with Alberta Career Development to operate Computer Managed Learning Centres on Northern Alberta Metis Settlements. We taught the innovative program in Whitecourt bringing adult students up to speed in their academics and life management skills. Our WCT student population was over 75% indigenous. The Whitecourt Learning Centre (WLC) my husband jokingly entitled it The Whitecourt ‘Laughing and Crying;’ Centre as we did a lot of both inside those walls as we got to know a number of our incredible Whitecourt Indigenous population. Our AIM vision statement: “To kindle the flame of the human spirit to AIM with power and enthusiasm toward the stars of one’s own universe wherever those stars might be was our North Star. Gayle Mackenzie a strong Metis elder and part of our Board of Directors teased us that AIM actually stood for the American Indian Movement which was a radical organization in the USA at that time.

The ‘Blue and Orange’ Oiler delegation roaming the street of our wonderful community this week comes on the heels of an incredible celebration on September 30/22 with a Truth and Reconciliation event organized and attended by many of our Indigenous population – some who had been our students as well as we, the settlers who joined our sisters and brothers. ORANGE SHIRTS RULED IN ROTARY PARK! The pride I felt in being a part of such a beautifully crafted celebration in honor of the many indigenous children whose lives were lost or altered as evidenced by those survivors who spoke who had endured the terror of their residential school years was truly very touching. Don Burnstick, a talented Indigenous comedian from Alexander Nation was somehow able to bring laughter into the healing circle and his statement that healing must always contain laughter was so pivotal in my experience sitting on the grass in our stellar Rotary Park. The tradition of first serving the feast to the elders was honored and the stew and bannock just kept coming and coming! Then at the mic I saw one of our WLC graduates from years hence take the Mic and share a beautiful poem. My heart swelled in hopes that maybe just maybe we had made a small different in her life for our learning Centres had been filled with laughter and…love and hope as was the celebration at Rotary Park - a true testament of the possibility of Truth and Reconciliation.

That evening, at the R & R Empowering Society Ladies Night so beautifully crafted by Tracy Stark and her team, I again witnessed the power of Reconciliation in the eyes of those present as Jody Tomke, my dear indigenous friend in the majesty of her traditional dress, honored the land and blessed the Ladies Night Event with such beauty and class. Tracy Stark in turn recognized the Whitecourt Indigenous Friends Society which Jody represented as the first recipient of a donation from the newly constructed R & R Empowering Society of Alberta to be used for the betterment of the lives of Indigenous children.

The lighting of the traditional sweet grass followed and the smoke directed in the smudging of our hostess Tracy Stark who had never had the privilege of such a ceremony- was beyond significant and extremely touching. I breathed deep, moved by the precious interaction between two powerful women and overcome by the thunderous applause in a room filled with many strong powerful women. We…. are the answer and may our voices ring loudly as we continue on our quest as women to change the culture of the abuse and violence against women and children in all societies.

And today……Here’s to THE ORANGE….and THE BLUE! GO OILERS. May you too join us in changing the culture of violence in our society!

LOVE Sandra

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R&R Hot Stove - The Three Pillars of Care

10/11/2022

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Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! Again, the Gods gifted us with the incredible beauty of the changing colors of autumn. Since we had the good fortune of finding this beautiful quarter section so many years ago, our home has known the delightful sounds of children and adults celebrating outside and in as we focus on the many blessings afforded us as rural citizens in our beautiful Alberta, Canada each Thanksgiving. Such has always been my favorite celebration but for some I am sure that they do not see it that way for many are struggling with simply putting food on the table these days. May many with resources remember our friends and neighbours who need our support at the local Food Bank.

Two of my Calgary grandchildren who joined us for the Thanksgiving holiday, Winston (7) and Stella (9) shared The Three Pillars of Care they had learned this fall as guidelines for behaviors at their school -Olympic Heights School - in Calgary.

THE THREE PILLARS OF CARE

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
TAKE CARE OF OTHERS
TAKE CARE OF OUR PLACE

These youngsters were so eager to share these pillars at our Thanksgiving table. They had obviously made an impact on them. We attempted to incorporate these behaviors into our Thanksgiving Weekend and talked about them with both kids and adults. I googled the school to learn more and add this important premise that followed the Pillars.

“Students are instructed regularly about bullying/harmful behaviors and the strategies to deal with social conflicts. Every student has a role and responsibility when it comes to bullying/hurtful behaviors and what it takes to create a sense of belonging for everyone. Every student learns to give an “I feel” statement when this kind of behavior occurs.”

I am moved by the clarity of what our schools are attempting to do to decrease bullying. Pink Shirt Days of course being one such initiative. The Pillars of Care an obvious other. I cannot tell you how many of my adult clients have shared that such childhood bullying by others has had a significant impact on them STILL negotiating relationships in their lives. How such had crushed their self-esteem long-time!

Where do kids learn to bully? To disrespect others? In the classroom? On the playground? In the dressing room? At their relatives? On the playing field or dance class? All can be venues for bullying and demeaning behaviors BUT each situation must be overridden by nonbullying behaviors and ways to deal with disagreements and poor behaviors in the most important venue of all. THE HOME - be that home intact or separated. Parents have the greatest responsibility to ensure they are not modelling bullying behaviors which are all too common particularly if parents have not done their own work to break the chain of TRAUMA AND VIOLENCE, they experienced themselves as defenseless little kids in a home where their boundaries were violated.

Yelling, Hitting, Scaring kids into Submission, Modeling disrespectful behaviors to each other or one’s children is unconscionable behavior that too many kids experience at the hands of the bigger people in their lives. We all know the expression – Hurt people Hurt people. And all too often children who witness or experience violence continue that same pattern as adults in their relationships or roles.

Human beings all start out as helpless tender souls. We get our sense of self from our primary caregivers who ‘delight” in us ……or crush us with their inability to “deal” with the task of being parents. Parenting is the most challenging job on earth. Children learn what they live and all are initially helpless human creatures simply wanting their basic needs to be met. Babies do not cry because they are bad creations! They let you know their needs by crying. Our challenge is figuring out what they need from us to not only survive but to thrive!

HOME is where children learn their greatest lessons of how to handle adversity. HOME is all too often where many first witness violence or are violated. Being a part of such becomes tattooed on their souls and all too often becomes a template for continuing the vicious cycle of violence in many of their interactions as they grow to adulthood where the pattern continues as a way of walking in the adult world. Add in rage and decreased self-worth or addictions as the cycle continues? A scary trajectory for those in their path!

Parents are their children’s greatest role models and if one thinks his or her children are not seriously impacted by experiencing unhealthy behaviors between their parents or that is directed at them or one of their siblings, think again. I have heard people say “We never fight in front of the kids so they are fine” Really? Parents are modeling how to be in relationship, how to negotiate and manage conflict and how each parent takes care of him or herself. Kids feel the tension! Violence by silence is also a “real” thing in families. Children pick up on such energy as well as experiencing such behaviors where everyone is walking on egg shells so fearful of a family member’s rage or terrified of being an object their parents’ abuse.

I wonder what Pillars of Care you and your family team would develop around your kitchen table so that each individual would feel safe and cared for and free from the claws of bullying and violence all too prevalent in too many homes and in our society at large? May you and your family take time to build your own Family Pillars of Care with all members having a voice in such. It would be interesting what each family member would say…even the four-year-old ….as you establish some parameters for the health and well-being of your most cherished TEAM that being your family where TOGETHER EVERYONE ACCOMPLISHES MIRACLES and everyone’s voice matters!

LOVE SANDRA

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R & R Hot Stove - Happy Anniversary to us!

10/3/2022

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Good Afternoon Everyone! Bright sunshine continues to bring forward the wonder of our world out here in the wilds of Northern Alberta, CANADA. But TODAY is even more than that because today my “SWEATHEART” and I celebrate fifty-two years of marriage…..to the same people aka…each other! Happy Anniversary my Sweet Dave!

We were INITIALLY more ‘sweat hearts’ than “sweet hearts”. We had both been members of Canadian Champion athletic teams David being an Edmonton Huskie football player and I a University of Alberta Basketball Panda. We met in 1967 as physical education students in Dr. Arthur Erickson’s Health Class. Well. We didn’t actually MEET initially. I just admired him from afar as I sat in class having trouble concentrating on learning some boring aspect of teaching ‘health’ classes to junior high students. Instead, I was simply OOGLING the dark-haired athlete sitting two seats over…and three seats down. When class ended, I would sprint quietly through the Education Gym on my tiptoes so as not to disturb the class in session to ‘accidentally’ run in to this ‘object of my affections’ on his way to his physiology class as he thoroughly captured my attention before he knew I was alive. That race across the gym ended the day the instructor of the gym class not so quietly suggested I stop disturbing her class by running through it as she reported that the class waited with great anticipation for my interruption! I slowly slinked out of her class and then raced to complete my reconnaissance mission! There he was just ahead! Me still admiring him from a distance!

However, I finally got the courage to ask out the OBJECT OF my racing heart – to a Lister Hall Residence Formal. Not being good with liquor I actually fell asleep at the table across from him for a few minutes and we did end up leaving the event before I started snoring as he gave me a gentle nudge and we headed to watch THE CANADIAN Women’s Basketball CHAMPIONSHIP final being held on campus. He would say…nothing has really changed regarding my ability to handle alcohol in these 52 years…..I only made it to 8:30 pm at the first Whitecourt Wolverine Ladies Night as Tracy Stark continually reminds me! However,…back to the story.

Three years later on October 03, 1970 I married my “captured prey” – LOL- this love of my life while “COME SING A SONG OF JOY” the anthem of the Love and Peace movement of the late sixties played us to the altar!

What the heck does this have to do with anything??? Here it is…..the essence of the story…….I picked well! My “JOCK” as we called our PE classmates and I took our time to get to know each other – our strengths and our challenges. We became a strong team together resonating similar goals and values, respecting our differences and as we began our life together learning that Housework is not 50-50. Parenting…… is not 50-50. Yard Work is not 50-50. It involves giving 100% of what you have in you as husband and wife each day. We have never forgotten our team experiences where Together Everyone Accomplishes Miracles. It is working together as the co-captains of your family team to make each and every day a good day. It is communicating when you are overwhelmed rather than pulling the “VIOLENCE BY SILENCE” card or being a bitch because ‘He should just know what to do!” It is honoring the importance of each of you finding down time or self care time to restore your physical and mental states. It is putting connecting with your wife or husband on your To Do List! Remembering why you got together in the first place! It is working out what works for each of you to give your best each day or recognizing that on a team every player needs to step up and be a part of the solution to make your lives and the lives of your children rock and roll. It is taking time each day to be grateful for all you have, for the beauty of your children, your shelter, your animals or our planet. It is focusing on what you want rather than what you do not want because whatever you focus on expands!

In April of 2019 when Tracy approached me to write with her from my perspective as her therapist, I approached my husband to discuss the possibility of writing Tracy’s story. He did not hesitate for a second saying “It is critically important that this story be told and you would be good at it.” Perhaps he did not know it would take three years to do so but never once did he ever complain, always encouraged, dried my tears and his own when I read him the tough spots when I had trouble keeping it together. He shared his perceptions on the telling of the story. Initially, after a day filled with writing, I would try to read him what I had written. He stopped me. “You cannot read me these segments after dark Sandra. I will not be able to sleep. Nor will you. Let’s wait ‘til Morning.” I was so absorbed in what I was doing I did not realize that perhaps that had something to do with my own sleeping challenges. So then because of his intervention when I wanted to read or edit or reread chapters it was done in the light of day!

So many men are truly tender souls who know that crying is not a sign of weakness. Rather it is TRULY a sign of Strength to be brave enough to feel - feel the feelings – a quality so needed in relationships. Why do you think guys love hockey? So they can hug their brothers and feel the feelings when they hoist the Cup with buddies who will be lifelong friends as they say with tears evident, “I LOVE YOU MAN!” to their teammates!

We need MEN to read the book GROSS MISCONDUCT HITTING FROM BEHIND. Don Burnstick, an incredible Indigenous comedian spoke passionately - filled with humour as well as serious talk -at the Truth and Reconciliation Event at Rotary Park in Whitecourt on Friday, September 30/22. Don talked about how Indigenous women have been the leaders in their communities in attempting to change the culture of violence against women and children. He reinforced the importance of men needing to be involved and speaking up, supporting initiatives and changing attitudes surrounding abuse to protect women and children from such family violence in his culture. He commended the women for all that they have accomplished in this arena in the last few years. However, he stated the importance of all men too finding their voices to end the culture of violence in his culture as well as in our Canadian society at large. We need the input and voices of the many men who truly know that joining together with their women who are speaking up and developing initiatives to end such violence is critical! Women and the men who love them well will make a formidable team because Together Everyone Accomplishes Miracles.

My first line centre in the game of life who I affectionately call “McTracy” Stark to honor her likeness to the passion and tenacity of the Oiler’s Connor McDavid in the game of hockey - has put her life out there in our book to be shifted through, criticized and judged. She wanted it raw and she wanted it real to call out societal systems that failed her in her attempt to save her boys. As well when relationships break down mothers and fathers MUST find ways to respectfully work together to ensure that their kids who are the ‘victims’ of such separations have the best possible team still working to ensure their children grow in ‘wisdom and in stature’ from the HEALHTY love and positive attention of both parents focused on doing the best for their children when they live in separated circumstances. More on this in another episode of the R & R Hot Stove.

Off on a bit of a tangent, this old Sage. LOL! My husband just texted me from his chair in the living room to ask if I am finished yet! I reply “Almost”

We know there are many good men out there who are incredible fathers. Men like my Dave who has been the best possible husband and father I could ever have walked with on this earth. We women need men’s voices to join ours in ending the culture of violence all too present in our patriarchal society so we can be LEADERS in ending the oppression against women and children in the world. Check out the NEWS and the leadership role women in Iran are taking and the stepping up of their men! My prayers and love goes with them in their courage to challenge the status quo in Iran where women live in oppressed circumstances.

On a final note, It is a tragedy that in our so-called civilized society we must raise money for Women’s shelters to protect our women and children and other at-risk citizens from abuse rather than calling out all men who mistreat some of our most vulnerable citizens. Please join our team by attending events open to men and joining us in calling out the bullies who exist not just in our schools for children but in our work places as well! And may our book Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind find its way into your hands!

NOW after all that………….Off to Celebrate 52 wonderful years of Bliss! OK! Maybe 49/52 but …. almost batting 100%. Much better than any baseball team! Go Blue Jays!

Thank you David Kolbuc for your incredible support for my passion to join TRACY STARK AND be a part of changing the world – one reader at a time! And okay -……I WILL join you in watching the Blue Jays …..later! Love you forever….and then some!

Love,

Sandra

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WELCOME TO THE R&R HOT STOVE

RnR Hot Stove - Editing, editing, editing

R&R Hot Stove - Oil Country in Whitecourt

R&R Hot Stove - The Three Pillars of Care

R & R Hot Stove - Happy Anniversary to us!

Sandra Young Kolbuc

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