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WELCOME TO THE R&R HOT STOVE

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Hot Stove was initially a baseball term says Wikipedia.   My husband tells me that in Canada the Hot Stove actually refers to the hot stoves in the “skate shacks” across Canada where kids would “fry” their wet mittens as they warmed up and wiped their runny noses between stints on the ice in the skate shacks beside the ice rinks that dotted our prairie towns!  Who do you believe?? LOL!  My friend Ross Meek- athlete, coach and former PE teacher would speak about his ‘team’ of colleagues adopting the term to describe their gathering together in ‘Hot Stove’ conversations early each Monday mornings after a weekend of watching NHL teams compete in Canada’s game.  

Each MONDAY MORNING you will find a Hot Stove post here on our website.  The focus will NOT normally be about hockey although the passion of two beautiful young hockey-playing boys named Radek and Ryder was certainly front and centre when the boys were alive and the hockey theme runs throughout the book.  We plan to give the reader further insights into some back stories and delve into our objectives as writers of this powerful narrative.  We will profile the incredible courage of a mother and her counselling therapist in the telling of a mother’s love story.  We will also share the actions of those who have helped a grieving mother in the mending of her broken heart as she continues to work on finding a degree of meaning and mastery since the death of her two boys on December 19, 2016 in a brutal senseless act of filicide by their biological father. 
Sometimes the topics will be passionately HOT like that of a burning stove aimed at stoking your courage to find your voice about things that matter in ending all violence against women and children in our society.  May our words encourage you to speak from the rafters of every arena in concert with our aim to end such violence.   Sometimes hopefully we will also bring a grin to your face as we share our connection on this road as client and therapist since 2017. 

                                                                                                                                                SANDRA YOUNG KOLBUC   ​

THE R & R HOT STOVE - Whitecourt Book Launch

5/30/2022

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Good Monday Morning Everyone!

TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY

This past weekend Tracy and I had the incredible pleasure of meeting and reacquainting ourselves with so many beautiful people as they waited for us to sign their copy(ies) of the book Gross Misconduct Hitting from Behind.  We were so looking forward to launching our book in Whitecourt where five and a half years ago so many from our community stood outside the Stark home with love and compassion emanating from their hearts in support a couple broken open by the senseless deaths of two beautiful boys.   We saw a grieving Mom named Tracy attempting to stay strong and speak to us all focusing particularly on talking to young friends of Ryder and Radek to ease their confusion and their pain and to attempt to dull the collective sorrow of us all with her strength in managing her own profound grief as a mama who had lost her babies.      

 Today we shared a beautiful space at the Whitecourt Golf and Country Club with many who had been a part of that crowd.   With many who had crossed the threshold of the Stark home that fateful day to hug Tracy - who had greeted every person who landed on her doorstep with a hug.  She never hid in a back room in her profound sorrow.  As she told me later “I felt that people who came to pay their respects deserved me to show up in response to their support.”  Sometimes it was others comforting Tracy.  Other times it was a grieving mother comforting people also traumatized by such a heinous crime which impacted our communities of Whitecourt and Spruce Grove so deeply.  

As I sat beside Tracy today at our event adding my thoughts and signatures to many books I heard and watched my co-author interact with so many in her engaging manner blending with those touched by her strength as they shared their own stories. Far too many have said they are living or have lived some aspect of her story as a child or in a past or current tumultuous relationship fearing for their own children. Others spoke of their wanting to express their admiration for her great courage in sharing her story.  I listen as she speaks with another about wanting her boys’ lives to make a profound difference in the lives of other women and children so another mother never experiences what she did on a cold winter morning in 2016.  I hear her say that she is still a mother looking after her boys by telling her story and wanting changes made in Ryder and Radek’s name.

She continues to speak from her heart to each person who comes to our table.  She is comforting, sharing stories and profoundly engaged with each of those who come forward. 
Her courage and energy as she speaks pridefully about her boys is contagious. We all laugh or smile when she shares joyful stories of her sons.  Everyone who leaves our signing table has an invisible vial of courage and tenacity and-I hope – HOPE that together we can impact decision makers of the need for change to prevent further instances of the abuse of women and children.   She finds her voice in our book.   She speaks about i laws, policies and procedures ineffective in our society to protect vulnerable women and children. Of laws protecting biological parents’ rights more than innocent children. 

As we begin to speak about our book I tell her that I have written a script that we could use when we speak to groups as she once told me rather profoundly that she was terrified of public speaking.  When I propose the script she gives me that big smile and says simply “No Thanks.  I just speak from my heart now!”  Yes she does….. and there are two beautiful boys looking down and after observing their mother in action these last two days and ….as I listened closely I think I heard Radek saying “You scored big today Mama.  Top Shelf!”  followed by Ryder adding “Not bad Mom! But.. Keep workin’ on your shot!”  LOL.  And that she is!  

Great to be on your team McTracy!  Let’s continue our bid for even greater victories in our quest to change the culture of violence in the lives of women and children by not only writing but continually speaking about the “unspeakable” with others. Please join our team!  And…by the way…..GO OILERS!

                                                                                                                               Love Sandra
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THE R & R HOT STOVE.... Grief & Loss

5/24/2022

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Good Morning Everyone!

Hope you celebrated a long weekend with the sun at your back…and front!!
Our First Book Launch at Wolf Cadillac was amazing, filled with many many wonderful people who dropped by to have their books signed by Tracy and me.  It was a wonderful weekend and this coming weekend, May 28 & 29, we cannot tell you how important it is to us to host a Book Launch and Signing in our home community of Whitecourt.

GROSS MISCONDUCT HITTING FROM BEHIND BOOK LAUNCH
WHITECOURT GOLF CLUB
SATURDAY , MAY 28 AND SUNDAY MAY 29
11:00 A.M. TO 4:00 PM

BOOKS, MERCHANDISE, SNACKS, DRINKS  
Smiles, Tears and Hugs 
 
We hope you will join in our celebration!

This morning I want to share an educational piece regarding grief & loss.  Many cannot imagine how they could possibly survive the loss of one child let alone two on the same day in the same ungodly manner to quote our book. How could Tracy possibly survive such unbelievable trauma and loss? How does she find her smile?”  Well, some days of course she can’t but her courage and strength is beyond what is imaginable.  She and I had a mantra we shared when we texted.  It was simple and we both still attempt to begin our day with a simple line on a wooden plaque on the wall of her kitchen….and mine.  “TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY” because whatever you focus on expands, expands exponentially.  But that is not enough……  There is more.

There are so many emotions one experiences in grief & loss.  Tracy was filled with so many unbridled reactions - shock, anger, depression, anxiety, hate, hurt, frustration, helplessness, RAGE & sadness. -many facets of grief.   

 Five major stages of grief -SHOCK, DENIAL, ANGER, DEPRESSION & ACCEPTANCE were coined by a Swiss psychiatrist named Elizabeth Kubler Ross as the path to moving through the effects of grief and loss.  Tracy’s experience did not follow that specific trajectory outlined by Kubler Ross and included much back-and-forth movement particularly when significant dates or potential rites of passage for her boys when their friends began doing these transitions which Tracy’s boys did not live to experience.  Many of these moments are detailed in the book.   BUT what transpired in Tracy’s healing was a definitive sixth stage of grief called FINDING MEANING as added to Kubler’s Ross’s work by Dr, David Kessler.  This was not about finding meaning in the deaths of the boys but meaning in the life Tracy continues to live on behalf of her sons who are now a part of her very soul.

To quote my co-writer  “The day my boys died I made a commitment to Ryder and Radek that the fact that even though their lives were brief their living would make a difference in the world and as I began to see the importance of sharing my story, I asked Sandra to write my story from her perspective as well as mine in order to start down that road.  

So that is what we have done! We have written a book that we hope will change attitudes, laws, give a voice to the voiceless, help those who live in fear to find allies to walk with them and chip away at the culture of violence that exists in our supposed civilized society.  

It took three years to write Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind because it was emotionally difficult for Tracy to write about the trauma of what happened to Radek and Ryder.  Breaks were need to process situations that were over the top HARD and we needed time to release more and more of the activation in her nervous system.  Reliving difficult situations in a titrated manner was essential.    However, WE continued to have a vision. And we never stopped believing in the importance of that vision of making a difference in the lives of women and children.  The fact that filicide-the murder of a child by a parent- still occurs in our country and that women’s shelters are necessary to protect women and children from violent men in their lives and …that such shelters are still burstin’ at the seams is so very wrong!  May you find yourself engaging in such important conversations with both men and women as we TOGETHER find meaning as a most important aspect of the grieving cycle.

As Margaret Mead, noted anthropologist once said “Never doubt that a small It is of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world.  Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever does.”  Our hope is to bring greater awareness to the possibilities that we all can be a part of taking family violence out of the closest and begin speaking about the changes needed in our attitudes, laws.  policies and procedures to STOP the family and intimate partner violence far too prevalent in our society and model for our children and grandchildren a better way. 

                                                                                                            Love Sandra

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THE R & R HOT STOVE.... The First Book Launch

5/16/2022

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Good Monday Morning Everyone!

We Did It!  First Book Launch!  Hoorah!

Now I am writing this post on Friday the 13th so….I am praying all goes well this weekend at our first book launch!    Exciting to have our 2500 books arrive yesterday!  We have had more than a few sleepless nights!  Would have been a challenge to have a Book Launch without any books!!  However, I do believe we will NOT run out of copies this weekend!

I have always loved to write – sometimes too much according to some of those I love the most who were often the recipients of my expositions as a mom or wife to express what I was/am REALLY feeling.  Some have the nerve to coin them ‘Mom’s Dreaded Letters’ if you can believe it!!  Ha! Ha! Now they are saving them in their Hope Chests because….I am NOW a published author and they may be able to someday get ten cents for my signature on those ‘dreaded letters.’


However, I would write when I was expressing my hurt, my sorrow, my frustration or giving my loved ones a little friendly advice….which often would not go the way I had anticipated!  LOL!  However, it seemed that such writing helped me process whatever I was feeling.  I would hear ‘Shorten it up Mom.  My siblings and I don’t have time to read your long dissertations!  Get to the point!’ How rude!  But then they have also told me that if I ever included them in my blogs, they would never come to visit me at the nursing home when I was old.  Hell, I am old now and the nursing home without interruptions sounds awfully inviting some days!! Just Kidding. However, I always seemed to feel better when I wrote …as one never knows what might come out of the end of that pen or pencil! And sometimes what I wrote ended up ripped into little pieces in the garbage or burned to a crisp as I released some of the angst or anger or hurt or fear I was feeling.  I think my writings were more helpful to me than to any of my ‘unappreciative’ family for it seemed to settle the activation I was experiencing.


So what does this have to do with anything?  I know there are some readers who have struggled with reading Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind.  It is raw.  It is real. And for some it also brings up issues that may be or have been or are a part of their own story of love, loss, pain, abuse, conflict or circumstances surrounding one’s own relationship with an ex or current spouse. Reading the book may triggers some of the feelings still burning inside from such past or concurrent traumas. Or maybe you were raised in a conflictual environment that shaped you in ways that were the precursor of how you are still struggling as an adult.  Maybe you have shoved a lot of ‘caca’ down because thinking about such is very unsettling.  We know childhood trauma yields adult dysfunction. That is where writing may be helpful.  Sometimes…a piece of writing, read aloud and burned can be helpful too!  Just be careful about the wild fires!

Sometimes writing can slow down your brain and give you a chance to think about things differently or even inject hockey’s 24 hour rule whereby if you have an issue with a coach or team member you give yourself 24 hours to become calmer or in my business ‘more regulated’.  Sometimes the assistance of a therapist can also help deal with issues that have arisen as you read or have read the book.  Or perhaps maybe reading the book will give you some insights into the reality of intimate partner violence and coercive control or how family violence may be affecting you or your children.  We are talking about real things and sometimes… That is scary!

Other individuals and families who were intimately connected with Brent and Tracy and the boys or who were members of the Whitecourt and Spruce Grove communities may well have been vicariously traumatized by what happened to Ryder and Radek, two children who were the innocent victims of a father’s rage.  That doesn’t happen in our small communities!!!  That is big city stuff!  Maybe some of that activation from the tragic deaths of Ryder and Radek is still alive and kickin’ in your own nervous system and needs to be processed.  However,  maybe  some of the warning signs of potential abusive situations chronicled in the book will help a woman to change her own story and that of her children by recognizing such signs of violence in an intact or separated family scene.  Know that some such reactions are normal responses to abnormal situations. However, we know that approximately 30 filicides occur each year in Canada and that…is scary!    If you need help to process these feelings, please seek help.  There are many avenues for you to do that in our communities and with online therapeutic services.  

However, there is no mandate to read the book.  Even in your book club!  If it is too unsettling, please do not feel you must read it to the end. Take breaks. Know that there are also many beautiful scenes of love and compassion in this book.  Don’t read it late at night if you are bothered by it. My husband can’t and…he’s a very brave guy, he had to be as a High School Principal!  However, may readers be strong enough to look at their own situations or that of another more vulnerable human creation with new eyes and a hand up to change a potentially dangerous situation if such exists. “Maybe we can re-instate the adage “It takes a Village to Raise a Child” or maybe woman too can begin with the men who truly love them to speak up when their gut tells them something is not right and begin to change the culture of violence against women and children in our world – one person at a time …..by having conversations about the ‘unspeakable’ shared in Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind. 
                                                
                                                                                                                               Love, Sandra

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THE R & R HOT STOVE: FINDING THE TITLE FOR THE BOOK

5/9/2022

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It is funny how the title of the book came to me as I began to write. I was not long into working with Tracy Stark when I knew I wanted to use hockey metaphors in the book because hockey was such an important aspect of the story. Ryder and Radek were both young fanatic hockey players in the Whitecourt minor hockey program for a number of years before moving to Spruce Grove. Brent and Tracy owned the Whitecourt Wolverines.  My son Joseph coached both Tracy’s boys in hockey   My grandson had been their teammate and I had been a Gramma in the stands cheering them on!  And …..a whole swack of the Whitecourt and Spruce Grove hockey families had been unbelievable in their support for Brent and Tracy when Radek and Ryder died.

Oh yes.  The Title.  A Gross Misconduct is the worst penalty one can receive in the game of hockey.  It is well beyond the parameters of fair play and is severely punished.  It often involves a severe injury to an opposing player.  Well.  That was a good start.  

Then … Hitting From Behind.  I originally wanted this in red.  Such serious injuries to an opposing player can occur by being hit into the boards with force that causes severe injury and often concussions to opposing players.  Okay.  I now had two lines and yet I was not completely satisfied so I began racking my brain for a third line.  One always needs a strong ‘third line’ in a hard-fought endeavor. 

     I wanted a line to go past the pain, the tragedy of the story, the anguish, the hurt. I knew that many men would have trouble reading this book.  I had been told the same.  Too sad they admitted.  Yes! It is sad BUT another mother must never come upon what Tracy Stark did in finding her boys! Man bashing, they wondered.  No! It is not man bashing.  I sympathize with all the men who were told as little boys that big boys don’t cry!  I ache for men who have been raised in a culture of male toxicity.  

    What do Tracy and I want and need from our male readers?  We want men to read the book and reflect on how they can use their power to STOP the incredible injustice of the abuse of children to get back at a mother who had had enough of the coercive control displayed by a man in his role as husband and father.  A man who had committed a crime far beyond the call of a gross misconduct penalty. Tracy never anticipated being hit from behind by the father of her beautiful boys!   BUT Then….. Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind was…… only a part of the story.  I needed something more…….

Something that reflected the tears, the love and the empathy that emanated from all the fans in all the stands, all the citizens in the communities of Whitecourt & Spruce Grove who attended the vigils, those who stopped by with food and drink and hugs for months following the tragedy, the friends who sat at their table during the Christmas season of 2016 who would not leave their grieving friends alone between the critical incident and the funeral. All the kindnesses, all the notes, all the facebook followers from around the world who continue to post beautiful emails of support for Tracy since that fateful December 19, 2016 .  All those who take the R & R stickers and place them around the world so her boys can see the world!

As well I needed something to express the connection that continues to exist between Tracy and her boys which will never die.  Before our first interview with Global News as we sat in the parking lot waiting to head inside for an interview Tracy sees a RYDER company truck passing  by, turns to look at me and says “Sandra.  I always see Ryder Trucks when I need a little courage and today I now know my Ryder is here for me.  For us!”  Coincidence or…Synchronicity?

 Yes.  I needed words to bring in the LOVE.  The LOVE of soooooo many! The love of an incredible husband named Brent who did everything in his power to take care of his grieving wife, the mother of Ryder and Radek as he continued to whisk her away when her sharing the story with me became too intense.  Too dark. Too painful. Thus it was three years before we were able to sign off on the last page of the book.

Then it came to me like many answers come in the silence of the bush when I walk the trails of the Kolbuc Quarters…It was simple …..A MOTHER’S LOVE STORY.  GOD!  I loved the sound of it.

GROSS MISCONDUCT HITTING FROM BEHIND A MOTHER’S LOVE STORY.  Nailed it!!!  But then…….The publisher said we could only have two lines in the title!   Damn…..  So I ask all readers to please note the back of the book where you will find the third line of the original title - A MOTHER’S LOVE STORY.   The  ‘Wrap Around’ Winner!!!  LOL!       

                                                                                                                              Love,
​                                                                                                                              Sandra


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​THE R & R HOT STOVE - Mother's Day

5/2/2022

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HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL THOSE AMAZING MAMAS OUT THERE!

Mother’s Day is coming soon!  A great day to honor women who are mothers. A wonderful day for those who have bonded well with their mothers who undeniably have the most important job on earth. We think of the beauty of the bouquets delivered. The wrapped presents opened. The smiles. The hugs. The crayon-colored pictures, the tributes to amazing mothers by their sons and daughters. However, a tough day for those estranged from their mothers with perhaps unresolved issues or…. those who had to set boundaries with an unhealthy mother whose presence in one’s life did not serve a young child or an eventual adult child well.  To those with great relationships with their mothers may you celebrate fiercely!   To those estranged may you reflect on whether your actions this Mother’s Day could change the divide while keeping healthy boundaries intact!  

Perhaps MOTHER’S DAY this year will be an amazing day of sleeping in and reflecting on the wonder of motherhood.  Perhaps it will be one day of not having to organize anything as Mama lies in bed doing an online shop for a new toaster and breathes in the wonder of the mother-child relationship.  Not likely!  Soon soggy toast from loving hands prepared by kids so excited to bring their Mama breakfast in bed is front and centre, each piece buttered and jammed up by loving little hands  and …who cares about sleep anyways?  
  

Mothers are generally the CEOs of the family.  Mom  knows everything -who goes where and when and with what in their backpack!  She is the one who writes the list for her husband who doesn’t make lists and forgets half the stuff he is supposed to pick up anyway because he loses the list!   Little Mama leaves him the phone message with the time of his dental appointment and tells him his shirt for the meeting is ironed and in his closet!  She reminds him that because his mother is coming to visit he needs to remember to take the dog to the kennel because Mother Mildred is allergic to ‘Gus’.  She texts him to wish him luck in his presentation and assures him she will drop off his prepared speech that he forgot in the bathroom before she races to the school with her son’s science project which her son forgot!  Learning early to depend on a woman for his success!  God!  
 

Then…he calls wondering if she could bring his Visa card that he thinks he left on his dresser when he did an online order for the new toaster he planned to give her for Mother’s Day. Amazing how he can remember the score in the Oiler’s Game against the Flames on April 2, 2012 and he does remember his tee time but he can’t remember that every Monday at 5:00 o’clock he has to pick up his daughter from Speech Therapy and phones from the liquor store to ask Mom at 4:59 pm what kind of wine the Joneses served at the last rotating dinner party having pushed the limit on pick up time for their girl who will be terrified if no one is there to pick her up…on time! We know.  You men are forever indebted to these women and one day a year you honor them with breakfast in bed made lovingly by …. their children!!!

It is a privilege and a rarity to be a stay-at-home mom these days.  Such women still have the great responsibility of the day long care of their children which can be very trying at times.   Most often once the kids are a little independent most women work outside the home as well as manage the majority of the family functioning.  I heard it said that when a married man with children is asked to run for political office he goes to his wife and says “Hey Honey.  I am thinking of running for political office.  What do you think?”  A married woman on the other hand who is asked to run for office figures out…. Who is going to pick up the kids after school? and Who is going to stay home with one of the kids if he or she is ill?  Who is going to get Johnny to ballet and Mabel to hockey?  Who is going to do the grocery shop and wash the cars and wipe the kids tears when the gecko at school escapes and is eaten by a stray cat in the school yard?  Who is going to be the manager of the soccer team every Saturday and who is going to prepare the lunch for the school Hallowe’en party? What is the kid going to be for that party and who is going to do her make up for the parade?  Needless to say It is far more complicated for our country’s women to run for office and we need the excellence of such women in decision making positions.    

So here’s to mothers with that lovely bottle of bubbly that hubby brought into the house sporting a big smile and a receipt for $9.95 from CJs to thank ‘the wife’ for taking care of ….EVERYTHING!!!!  Gotta love him!

To these most amazing creations - MOTHERS!!      Ultimately it is utterly unbelievable what a small group of committed mothers can do to change their communities and make their corner of the world a better place for all children ….and their fathers …by their commitment to making things happen in the right order at the right time on the right day!  

However, on the other hand all joking aside, the mother-child relationship has many facets and many faces. Mother’s Day is not a joyful day for all mothers when such a relationship between mother and child(ren) has been severed and is a particularly tough day for any child who has lost a mother…. or for any mother who has lost a child(ren).

A mother who lost her two children on the same day in the same ungodly manner five and a half years ago …..Well, she has simply …… ….GONE FISHIN’ …to find her tranquility this up and coming Mother’s Day weekend.  

May the sunshine and surf and the beauty of the coastal waters bring you peace this Mother’s Day weekend Tracy Stark.   May you recharge as you reel in a big one! And be ready.  Our load of books for our events will be here in the next week and we will be launching big time in our attempt to change the world for all mothers and children caught in unhealthy controlling relationships in both separated and intact families in the name of your beautiful sons Ryder and Radek!  We’ll be ready Little Mama!


Stay Turned my Friends.  Two Women with a Vision and a Mission!

Love,

Sandra
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    Sandra Young Kolbuc

    Sandra is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist  who has been in private practice since 1993. As an incredibly engaging speaker Sandra as a storyteller weaves together her adventures as a woman of the earth, a wife, mother, grandmother, professional therapist and good good friend finding joy and hilarity in life coupled with serious reflection on the challenges that exist in life.

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