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RnR Hot Stove... Intergenerational Trauma

7/25/2022

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! Excitement reigns along Hwy 43 this week as Pope Francis, head of the Catholic Church, travels to attend the Lac Ste. Anne pilgrimage site near Alberta Beach. First called Wakane or God’s Lake by the Alexis Nakota Sious Nation who live on the west end of the Lake and Manito Sahkahigan or Spirit Lake by the Cree, Lac Ste Anne is one of the most unique gatherings in North America. Each July thousands of pilgrims make their way to the shores of Lac Ste. Anne. Many come in search of healing and spiritual renewal. It has become the largest annual Catholic gathering in Western Canada.

Yesterday Pope Francis began a historic visit to Canada to apologize to Indigenous peoples for abuses by missionaries at residential schools, a key step in the Catholic Church’s efforts to reconcile with indigenous communities in the healing of generations of trauma. As a therapist I recognize that intergenerational trauma is real and has filtered down to affect indigenous peoples as well as all those raised in cultures where trauma has been a part of their history. The annual Pilgrimage was established in honor of Saint Anne, mother of the Blessed Virgin Mary. The grandmother figure has always had a strong importance within aboriginal culture and we continue to see the importance of the grandmother in the raising of children in all cultures.

Although I am not indigenous, as a grandmother of many, I recognize that my voice still matters. I can still be….a dangerous woman! I can be a sage, an old crone, a woman with a voice to speak up about all such abuse of women and children and other vulnerable citizens. I want to be joined by many grandmothers - indigenous and other - whose voices still matter -to lead us from the past into a new future free of the culture of violence and abuse still so prevalent in our world in many different forms.

This week we focus on reconciliation initiated by the revelation of the deaths of many vulnerable children ‘ raised' in residential schools by people commissioned to ‘ educate’ these young people - to take the INDIAN out of them! . Kids - ripped from the arms of their parents in order to take them away and teach them to be good Catholics and pray for the removal of their sins. The thought of one of my grandkids being wrenched from the arms of their Mother or Dad by the RCMP or some such other authority rages in my guts! However an apology from the highest leader of the Catholic Church and other such religious organizations is perhaps the beginning of righting the wrongs of our ancestors as many young vulnerable children raised in residential schools became ‘Good Catholics!’ once their total culture was destroyed in those institutions where they could not speak their language, wear their braids, see their parents, sleep with their older sister for comfort in the coldness of those institutions nor do anything but obey the big people who were their custodians.

May the grandmothers in all cultures find their voices about issues regarding the continued abuse and violence against all peoples who have been and are still experiencing discrimination and bullying because of their size (aka children), their sex or sexual orientation, the color of their skin or their culture. We as 'settlers’ have much to learn from the Indigenous culture and I am so touched as I read the accounts by Indigenous people brave enough to find their voices in the FINAL REPORT OF THE TRUTH AND RECONCILIATION COMMISION OF CANADA. Honoring the Truth and Reconciling for the Future.


May the words of apology of Pope Francis to our Indigenous peoples ring loudly across the skies. We as women-both indigenous and other, who made steps forward in the tumultuous sixties with advocates such as Buffy Ste Marie to gain hard fought rights must not stop finding our voices about things that matter. Look at Roe and Wade? WE MUST ALL BE DANGEROUS GRANDMOTHERS SO SUCH INJUSTICE AGAINST VULNERABLE WOMEN AND CHILDREN STOPS AND NEVER REARS ITS HEAD AGAIN in any form. We are the SAGES. WE MUST USE OUR EXPERIENCE AND FIND OUR VOICES! OUR OUTRAGE! OUR CONTINUED SUGGESTIONS FOR NECESSARY CHANGES. And may Pope Francis recognize the importance and the power of his words for our beautiful Indigenous Peoples ON THE SHORES OF LAC STE ANNE.

May many Indigenous grandmothers and grandfathers who experienced the pain of residential school find comfort from the words of one of the world’s greatest religious leaders in the quest to bring peace, comfort and reconciliation in all our relationships as we move forward in changing the world one interaction at a time. May there be much healing for all those impacted by the residential school travesty and may THE GRANDMOTHERS CONTINUE TO FIND THEIR VOICES ABOUT THINGS THAT MATTER AND JOIN US as we attempt to impact the culture of violence in our world by sharing one woman’s story in Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind. A Mother’s Love Story!

LOVE SANDRA

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RnR Hot Stove... Taking Care of Yourself

7/18/2022

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GOOD MONDAY AFTERNOON EVERYONE!

This morning I am basking in the beauty of the morning out here in the wilds of Northern Alberta. I love getting up before the rest of the world and listening to the sounds of the earth waking up as my brain too begins that process. I am a WORDLE fan now which helps to wake up my brain! As well for years I have been a great follower of Robin Sharma, a motivational speaker and author originally from the East Coast of Canada. In May of 2017 after moving from full time practice as a counselling therapist to part time so I could write my own story entitled You Don’t Have To Climb a Mountain. I signed up for an inspirational 63-day online program by Robin Sharma. Each day I arose at 5 a.m. and headed to my office upstairs and listened to my new guru. His message was short and inspiring. He cited research that indicated that change did not take 21 days as many believe. Rather change required 63 days to alter the neural pathways in the brain. Hence the length of the course. I adapted the 20-20-20 ritual he purported - 20 minutes of Exercise, 20 Minutes of Meditation and 20 Minutes of Journaling where I would record Five Wins for the day ahead (things I would AIM to accomplish) and 12 Blessings in my life. The Blessing part alone has been shown to change brain pathways as well. I am always a bit over the top so I adapted Sharma’s system to suit my needs at 30 minutes each for the three tasks.

My other ritualistic endeavor I added later in the day was the daunting 10000 steps along the trails or roads of my world with my urban poles, my two golden retrievers and my Bear Spray …just in case. I would listen to one podcast or another. Always craving to learn more as I AIMed again to bring forward the best version of this old babe! A bit of a nerd…me! These ritualistic practices became my way of being to begin my day. As a high energy individual such helped me create focus and, as a forever jock, maintain my fitness.

Then…in April of 2019 Tracy Stark asked me to join her in writing her story from my perspective as her therapist. We made that decision and all was great as I peppered her with questions! My 30-30-30 routine sustained me in the writing process but…writing the book was not an easy journey. When things got challenging it seemed that the claws of my little MacBook Pro reached out to grab me as I entered my office. It was almost like a giant magnet …and I was a handful of nails! I heard the voice from that 12” by 8” piece of metal. It seemed to be speaking directly at me although there was no sound from the device.

“Sandra just have a look at that line on page 43. It don’t (sic) sound right! Or “You know you have been thinking all night about what you wrote yesterday. Maybe just take five minutes to look it over. Then you can do your yoga.”

I could not even look at that bloody digital device. I was its prisoner! “Just five minutes? Okay……” Four hours later……

I also found if I attempted to change my sequence and think “Well I’m a little tired. Maybe I will meditate in the hot tub for thirty minutes first before I do my yoga.” Then I was a goner, again! My poor yoga kept getting kicked to the curb!

So…I could not even look at my computer nor listen to the voice in my head or I was a captive to …the BOOK! And then…. Tracy kept sharing more and more phenomenal experiences that were critical pieces of her story. Such, in my mind, needed to be in the book. We would chat. She would say “Somewhere we have to end the book, Sandra!” But how could I end it while life went on and on and was filled with more incredible moments of the love and light and connection of so many loving and caring individuals? As well there were moments of the deep deep pain of my client which we also chronicled in the book because we wanted people to sense into their own feelings as they learned more of the story. This book was not an intellectual exercise although you will learn more about therapy and trauma. It is however a heartbreaking story of both love and loss.

Tracy would continually say “I want it raw and real Sandra. I want people to feel what I feel.” I agreed wholeheartedly because when you have more than an intellectual discussion???? That is when things change. I have had the privilege of many men who share they are ‘reading thru water.’ We are both so grateful for men and women who allow themselves to feel a mother’s pain. Tracy gave me the facts in full blown color. Her anger was beyond intense. But under that anger there was such profound grief and deep pain.
Never in a million years did she expect this from the biological father of her boys. He loved them. Anniversaries continue to drive that despair in my beautiful client but she gets up, dusts herself off and continues on this forever journey to change the experience of other children by a vengeful parent. To me feeling that universal pain of a mother losing both her beautiful boys in such a horrendous manner is how we evoke change. If we do not allow ourselves to feel something, nothing changes. Yes. It may bring up old stuff of your own but maybe, just maybe, it is time to deal with the unspoken memories or witnessing of abuse or the control that continues to permeate your own life. Maybe it is time to seek help to deal with old wounds that continue to influence your decisions or…your own self-worth. Maybe it is time to share your story with those you trust. Abuse is not just physical. It is also emotional, verbal, financial and includes coercive control that may carry reparations for years because of experiencing such behavior or ...impact youngsters, who witness such, to become perpetrators or victims.

Domestic violence has been too long a secret not discussed. A beautiful young man shared with me that he was not bullied at school. He was bullied at home by his brother. Another told me of being humiliated by his hockey coach who yelled and swore at his players in the dressing room calling them ‘faggots’ and ‘little pricks or the worst insult when the ignorant coach said he was “playing like a girl.” If only… Changes need to be made in systems. We have sports coaches reading our book. We have social workers reading our book. We have lawyers reading our book. We have everyday people sharing their stories with us. We need all who care about the safety of women and children to read and weep and gather strength by making the “unspeakable” speakable!

When a perpetrator dies as well as his victims the story dissolves into the abyss. No one knows the trajectory of the story. Tracy and I have put her story and that of her boys’ experience out there. We share her heartbreak and her healing journey. We share a story that will never end for her. Many have come to our table to share their own stories of abuse, humiliation and coercive control. We must all find our voices – men and women – to change laws, policies and procedures that did not protect Tracy and her boys and others like them. We cannot not let Tracy’s story die. Such laws and procedures regarding abuse and coercive control must be reviewed and changes made in the name of kids like Ryder and Radek. It is beyond a sad story. It is about every single individual who has a history of abuse to begin to see that change begins within an individual by speaking up about things that matter in STOPPING THE VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN AND CHILDREN. May you read the book and encourage others to find their voices as well! May you connect with us if you have venues where we can influence others to speak up. And if you are called to begin your own healing journey, please use the resources in the back of the book to begin such a healing walk.

LOVE SANDRA

PS: Back on Track with my 30-30-30 – AT LEAST AFTER I SIGN OFF. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!

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RnR Hot Stove: Champions!

7/11/2022

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GOOD MONDAY MORNING EVERYONE!

Well this time I get to tell you about my wonderful experience of sitting beside a National Slo Pitch Champ on Saturday at the Summerfest Market in Sangudo, Alberta. Low and behold she has been on our dazzling book team for a few months now and I had no idea of her championship status until I had the privilege of meeting one of her teammates at our book signing table at the market! Tracy Stark had been unable to join us on Saturday but had managed to sign 100 books before she left on an adventure to meet Rip from Yellowstone and hopefully, he did not take her to ‘the station’ as I have not yet heard how her adventure unfolded. I suggested she sell him a few books. LOL!

However, that National Champ, was our amazing digital marketing manager Stacy Crossland, who stepped up to the plate and filled in for Tracy and…. hit a home run for the GROSS MISCONDUCT HITTING FROM BEHIND team by working with me in our continued quest of spreading our message of changing the culture of violence against women and children. It was a great day to have a great day particularly because Stacy made a flying leap to capture our tent when a gust of wind grabbed it thereby preventing damage to my vehicle as the sharp end of the tent pole was aimed directly at the hood of my shiny red car! Thank you, Stacy Crossland!! You may have to come out of retirement and put on your cleats again! What a dive!

Nothing like playing on a team and bonding fiercely with your teammates and maintaining that bond even after years of not seeing one another! I had the privilege of playing Panda basketball at the University of Alberta and am now a member of the prestigious BLOCK A Society which honors U of A athletes who represented their school in intervarsity competition. So, what does that have to do with anything? Two things. Firstly, two members of that Panada team attended our book launch in Edmonton in May of 2022 and gave me the biggest hugs imaginable! Fifty years after our basketball connection they came to support me – WOW! What a surprise and a gift to their former teammate... aka ME! Thanks to those teammates - Bev Spencer and Wendae Grover! The friendships one makes as a team player working together to achieve a common goal can be life changing. That year we too were Canadian Champs in the realm of Junior Women’s Basketball. Of course, in typical Sandra fashion, I lost my championship ring but…my husband who played for the prestigious Edmonton Huskies – ‘Threepeat’ Champions still has his City of Edmonton ring given to all Canadian Champs by the City of Edmonton and the bond he has with not only his Huskies colleagues but his high school football champions continue to be an important part of his social network. Being on a well-coached team can be a tremendous experience! And even his St. Mary’s High School coach, the outstanding Aurell Royer, stopped by to buy a book and to give me a hug! Wow!

However, the second part of my story is also interesting. Initially U of A female athletes were not allowed into the prestigious Block A Club. It was reserved strictly for male athletes (BMOC-Big Men on Campus). We witnessed the guys strutting around campus wearing the green and gold sweater they were awarded as members of the Golden Bears. We Panda Bears and Cubs…well we did not rate such in the way of recognition- That Green sweater with the giant Gold A decorating its front. After all we were…only women. However, a group of dedicated women alumni athlete won a hard-fought victory in the past few years with the U of A’s Athletic Dept and opened the door for all women who had previously played intervarsity sport at the U of A to be inducted into the University’s Block A Club at a most elegant affair! Amazing what a group of dedicated women can do!!

The USA enacted a legislation called Title Nine which gave female athletes greater opportunities that male athletes already had. One such amazing athlete, tennis star Billie Jean King was one of the leaders of this movement as she began to openly question why women’s athletics did not have the same funding and opportunities as male athletics did. Women were not really regarded as ‘athletes’ deserving of the same opportunities as the male athletes. It is interesting to note that my first job as a U of A graduate was at Mt. Holyoke College, one of the esteemed Seven Sisters Colleges in the US where I was hired to coach women to play five player basketball. We in Canada had been playing such for years but not in the USA where Iowa may have been the only state where such was happening. Nationally, 1969 was the first year USA women were being introduced to the ‘men’s sport’ having been playing six player basketball previously where there were two guards who stayed in the back court and two forwards who only played in the front court and two ‘stronger’ players who were rovers who played full court. The belief was that most women were not strong enough to play full court. We have come a long way BABY! We can even enter a bar these days…without an escort! Through hard work and women speaking up gradually women began to receive recognition and regard for their strength and prowess in sport and beyond …the kitchen! Yet although great progress has been made still today female athletes are battling together to be heard regarding disparities in the salaries of male and female athletes as is still the case with many other professions.

When I was a young girl, I loved playing hockey! It was my sport! With my white figure skates, I could skate circles around the Cubs & Scouts that I played hockey with on the outdoor rinks every Saturday morning. But then…when I developed boobs I was no longer allowed to play. It was just the way it was back then. We as women just accepted that... My sport became basketball because some association decided that was “OK” for young women to participate in such a sport. I applaud the courageous women who began to speak up about the inequalities that existed for women and girls. Thanks to their work and the work of those men who believed in their women, young girls can now aspire to play for Canada and Canadian women athletes are now playing the most exciting form of hockey ever - free of the legalized violence allowed in the men’s game.

Women then began to speak up loudly and clearly about many issues regarding the equality of men and women. Which still needs work today for true equality to exist. They marched in the streets. They found their voices! Times Up! Me Too! We as women and the men who love their wives and daughters, sisters, mothers and female friends must be ever vigilante and continue to speak out about the violence against women and children all too prevalent in our society. Building more women’s shelters to protect women from violent men? A short-term safe place important to rescue women and children from violence. YES! However, our goal must go beyond that to change the culture of violence that allows not only physical, verbal, mental and emotional violence to occur unchecked in too many homes …and remain something we do not talk about as a society…except maybe a bit. In November! We exist in a society that allows coercive control to exist without retribution in our legal system. Bullying continues to be a major issue and …not just outside the home. (More about that next week) We must find our voices about things that matter by discussing things necessary to change the culture of violence allowed to continue in our society because of inadequate laws, systems, attitudes and fear of speaking up. Domestic violence can no longer be a secret. It is real and needs our attention. Time to talk. Time to educate young people about appropriate relational behaviours. The CALM (Career and Life Management) Class must be more than a correspondence course credit in our high schools!

Thank you to those who have approached us to ask for a sit down to discuss issues we bring forward in the book. We will follow up! And please remember: Children learn what they live. As I say in the book “Worry not that your children do not listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you!” What are they seeing? What are they learning from the behaviours they witness? Let’s all be Champions and find our voices about things that truly matter to end the culture of violence in our society.

                                    Love, Sandra

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R&R Hot Stove - Graduation 2022

7/4/2022

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GOOD MONDAY AFTERNOON EVERYONE!

As per usual in the last little while, I am the ‘late’ Sandra Young Kolbuc for getting my blog into the universe. Busy as all get out! What was it this time??? Hilltop High School; Graduation 2022!

This week I had the distinct pleasure of being a grandmother in the stands watching with delight as my first born grandchild crossed the stage to receive his diploma and of course we celebrated his achievements all weekend! The Scott Safety Arena was packed on June 30th and the pride and excitement of many friends and family of the over 130 graduates filled the air. I did not know, as I watched the tribe of beautiful young people cross the stage to receive their diplomas that Tracy Stark, one such friend of many whose children were graduating and good friend of many kids themselves… was in the building. This year -2022- was the year between Ryder whose graduation year would have been 2021 and Radek’s year which would be in 2023. Tracy had watched many of these young people grow up with Ryder and Radyk since the boys’ kindergarten days! Partway through the ceremony I received a text from my writing partner congratulating my handsome grandson, Gavin Kolbuc Stark, who had played hockey with both Tracy’s boys - on his achievement.

“God! That woman is courageous” I thought and texted back “Are you here?” Naturally in typical Tracy style I did not receive an immediate reply but was very moved by her text. As if that beautiful message filled with hearts was not enough to bring tears to my eyes, the next series of events definitely was... At the end of the speech by the Hilltop Valedictorian, the young scholar in question completed his address by doing a back flip in the air to end his speech! My heart began to race and my tears came again as I processed what I had just witnessed by this phenomenal young graduate.

Then the words Tracy and I had constructed in the final chapter of Gross Misconduct: Hitting From Behind came to life in my mind as I thought of the end of the last chapter in our book where Tracy Stark’s message to the Class of 2021 - Ryder’s year - is profiled.

Quote “I am honored to watch classmates of Ryder Patrick exit Hilltop High School as High School graduates. Of course I wish with all my heart that Ryder too was shaking the hand of Hilltop’s Principal, holding his diploma high in his other hand and, in Ryder style, probably doing a flip off the stage….”

Wow! That profound gesture at the end of the 2022 Valedictory address had me trembling in my chair as the crowd roared at the athleticism of the young academic on the stage. I wondered what was going thru Tracy’s mind if she were there… and if she had felt that same rush of energy as I did when she witnessed the flip!

There is a quote I often use when I speak of young people who like Ryder and Radek die long before their ‘time” It is simply this... "THEY DIED MUCH TOO YOUNG…..SO I GUESS WE HAD BETTER DO SOME LIVING FOR THEM."

Thanks for the flip young graduate! Nailed it! As you go forward to live your life out loud, may it be filled with many more incredible moments on behalf of young men and women, like Ryder and Radek, that have ‘gone too soon’.

HAPPY GRADUATION EVERYONE!

AND REMEMBER the book Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind is available in many venues detailed on the R & R Legacy Facebook page and will be available in Sangudo this coming Saturday, July 9th from 10:00 am to 4:00 pm at the Deep Creek Market. We will have books on hand to sell as well as R&R Merch and I will be on hand for book signings. Let’s turn on the sun that day! Hope you will stop by and say hello!

                                   LOVE SANDRA

Sandra and her eldest grandson at his graduation

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WELCOME TO THE R&R HOT STOVE

RnR Hot Stove... Intergenerational Trauma

RnR Hot Stove... Taking Care of Yourself

RnR Hot Stove: Champions!

R&R Hot Stove - Graduation 2022

Sandra Young Kolbuc

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