Blog Archives

THE R & R HOT STOVE - Media Day

4/25/2022

Good Monday Morning Everyone

TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!

   The past week has again been filled will many incredible moments. Interviews at Global Edmonton News with Sara Ryan, CBC Edmonton TV interview with Nancy Carlson and CBC Edmonton Radio’s meeting with Rod Kurtz who were all great hosts with wonderful teams who provided us opportunities to speak about the book. Speaking is my “game” and I cannot believe how nervous I am when in front of the cameras or answering questions on the radio! I have been so focused on writing the book the last three years and now it is out there and doing so well it is almost overwhelming as we attempt to bring awareness to our readers with the rest of the R & R story. My heart is continuing to race as I join Tracy on the high stools opposite Nancy Carlson our beautiful host for our CBC Edmonton TV interview.

   Tracy who has continually told me she is terrified of public speaking has been rocking all these interviews interspersed with a few tears as she has recounted her heartbreaking story. Today I am there to be her support but honestly… I am a mess! She is perched on a stool in the studio looking like a Vogue model when I finally arrive to sit beside her. My heart is racing as I take my seat.

   Of course, it did not help that when we arrive at the CBC Offices I cannot find my Vaccination Passport required to enter. Tracy tries to help me locate the document on my phone. I have no recollection of where it is. No clue. Haven’t used it since the beginning of March! I tell her I will phone my daughter Kristin and to go ahead to the interview. I can’t even remember my last name at this point as I am unbelievably stressed. Tracy has to leave as our hosts are waiting for us upstairs. I watch Tracy as she waves good bye to me with a big smile, wishing me luck in finding the Passport. She enters the elevator to head to the interview. I feel totally abandoned! I have travelled to Edmonton for the interview and now I won’t even make it into the studio. I remind myself that maybe that is a good thing!

   Then, with pounding heart, I call Kristin, one of my three daughters who take turns giving me ‘tips’ about organizing my life, to see if she could remember where the darn document is on my phone. No answer. My blood pressure is rising by the second. I call again. She is at the Dance Festival in St Albert braiding the hair of one of my granddaughters for the next performance. She drops the three strands upon receiving my emergency 911 call and rushes in to rescue mode to save her mother! Thank God for her memory of where she had pinned my document in her phone. She texts it to me. I display the code to the fellow at the desk. SUCCESS! I race into the elevator. I can’t remember which floor where I am to go to! There are only three for god sakes. I take a chance and push 3. I remind myself “I am the therapist! Tracy needs me to keep her calm!” I breathe so deeply for two of the three floors and then at the third exit the elevator, heart still racing but so calm…. On the outside. My distress hardly noticeable to my wonderful hosts who greet the “late” therapist with beautiful smiles. I remove my hat. Donna, our marketing guru, has warned me it might cause a shadow. My hair is a mess! I can’t find my comb in my purse. I know it is in there somewhere but…..

   Nancy rushes me to her dressing room and loans me a comb and assured me her entire make up kit is mine if I need it. Now that is very special. In the presence of another beautiful model! Nancy helps flip my hair into place. I template off her cool and composed manner. I return to the lights and take my seat beside Tracy searching for a degree of serenity. It has to be here somewhere! She smiles warmly at me. My mouth is dry. I am far from peaceful on the inside. I need water. What if I start to choke and can’t speak?? The camera man obliges before he wires me up. Nancy is extremely patient and cordial. Thank god I am wearing black and they can’t see my heart beating out of my chest which they might if I were in white …although they might still hear my old ticker thumping loudly as I do.

The questions begin. I continue to breathe and feel the support of my stool. I am the therapist. I need to be the calm one. I am actually shaking! Sitting next to me…… is my client speaking with such composure and gradually calming me down with her poise and her ability to hit the high points of the “whys” of why we were writing the book. She keys in on the systems that failed her. She speaks of the many Court Orders she had in place -written and paid for - but not enforced. The lack of support at wanting to remove the boys from the home of her ex-husband after a series of incidents that led her to believe the boys were in trouble. The cry for help directed at the RCMP who told her they could not touch her ex-husband because he was the biological father. I feel my body settling. Tracy glances over at me and nods. My first line centre is passing me the puck. I breathe in. I am ready. I have regained my ground. I begin to speak of Tracy’s greatest desire of having the short lives of the boys to make a significant difference in the lives of other children. What a great pass! Right on the tape! The interview is on and I’m in it! Thanks “McTracy!”

Until next Monday!

Love Sandra

2 Comments

THE R & R HOT STOVE... Period 2

4/19/2022

0 Comments

TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!

The past week has been filled will many incredible moments as more and more potential readers have posted that they have had the opportunity to begin reading the book Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind or have ordered the book from Amazon.ca or Friesen Press.

Tracy and I thank all those who have shared their impressions and their willingness to read and share the R & R story with others. Last week I posted the Ist Period verse I had constructed and which we ultimately chose not to include in the book. Today I share with you the rest of the Game of Life as an adjunct to what you will read in the manuscript. Please revisit last week’s Are You Woke Mama if you wish to review the previous Introduction and initial first period.

SECOND PERIOD - Manly Man Techniques
You remember when Ryder bullied his best friend after play?
Threw the kid’s equipment in the urinal that day
And laughed his head off at his teammate’s tears
And called him a ‘wuss’ and laughed at his fears
It must be damn hard Mama …raising HIS father’s son
Get them away from “Corry Manly Man” before he is done
He’s a bullying hard ass Dad and teaching them well
You gotta get them both out of that f*#kin’ livin’ hell!

You’re waiting to chat ‘cause Ryder’s messed up at school
Writing about a teacher and some classmates - not cool
He’s gone from the team ’til school suspension is o’er
And nobody called you from behind the school’s door?
Nobody called you and said he’d done wrong?
Nobody suspected something bad was going on??
They were under Dad’s roof and silence was the game
And he said his way of disciplining was…not yours to tame!

So, to Value Village Dad took him and made him buy a woman’s dress
Forced him to wear it to hockey practice and endure embarrassing distress!
Ryder pretended it didn’t matter – Hard Dryland training and all
And practiced his guts out and never did he fall
Just acted like everything was simply going right
He buttoned his lip and zipped his mouth tight.
Except to a linemate when he said his dad was a F*#k
His teammates stayed with him and blessed their own fortunate luck!

The coach he done told him to change to his workout gear
Ryder shook his head cockily and the coach he saw no fear
As Ryder worked out in the dress and Dad’s words …He did OBEY
And the practice went on as usual and Ryder just continued to play.
And the coach said ‘Ok son’ and ‘I can understand’
And it seemed ‘No Big Deal’ so practice went as was already planned
And all of Ryder’s teammates worked out by his “flowing” side
And watched as he simply carried himself with that fierce Ryder pride!

Practice then was over. Helmet off. Then they all saw
His head had been shaven and looked almost raw.
His Dad? He had scalped him and nobody told
This man pact of “Don’t ask. Don’t tell?” It’s gettin’ bloody old!
Did it cross any adult mind to maybe call his mom?
And tell her quite simply of what her Ex -husband “may” have done?
Mama? Nobody called you? No one at all?
Mama? Nobody called you? ….. A really bad call!

THIRD PERIOD - Blowing the Whistle
THEN behind the wall he is crying - crying all alone
He hides the sound of his terror as he calls her on the phone
And Little Brother has talked to Mom and told about the dress
And Big Brother is trying hard to be strong but dying from the stress
And tells her now to simply ..simply.. get us out
Dad has gone too far this time without an f*#kin’ doubt
And finally, Ryder breaks right down, tears falling from his eyes
And he can no longer hold in the truth and protect Dad with his lies.

A Dad bullying his sons to manhood with ‘manly’ man techniques
The secret of ‘Don’t Ask? Don’t Tell’ and be sure there are no ‘leaks’
And Dad won’t let them talk to Mom when they are on his time
And Dad calls Mom down continually - a practice so sublime
And Radek is afraid to ‘cry ‘cause Dad gets so darn mad
And starts to think as he blinks back tears, that he’s really really bad
And wipes his eyes quite swiftly as Dad call him a ‘girly girl’
And he just wants his Mama’s arms …. his mind is in whirl

And Mama wants her boys back but not to foil their dream
Hockey is their passion. Life’s about their team.
They want to make ‘the big time’ but things are getting worse
Was letting them live with Dad just a horrible curse?
But now there is no question after hearing ‘bout the dress
Sharing custody with Dad this way is filled with deep distress
He’s trying to control not just the boys, but her actions as well
He’s telling her not to interfere and go to bloody hell

And Mama’s learning more and more about their situation
The little ‘leaks’ are bringing her so much more consternation
She quickly buys a duplex and sets it up real nice.
She’s moving into Spruce Grove to be there at any price
Just down the block where she can live to BE THERE for her boys
And create a close-by safety zone away from Corry’s “noise.”
She’s not afraid of Corry. That’s never been the case.
But now she’s getting worried ‘bout what’s happening at his place.

She starts the wheels turning to get her boys back in her care
She begins by writing a letter and sends it “over there”
The Children and Family Services stamp is on the words she sent
Referred to yet another worker. She’s getting rather bent.
She wants some help from CHILD SERVICES to get the boys back in her home
She realizes she IS afraid of living all alone
With Dad so full of anger and living down the road
She worries that he’ll confront her and maybe just explode!

OVERTIME-Talking with the ‘Referee’

Then a woman from Children’s Services calls her, calls her on her cell
  And says you’re doing the right thing in moving here, taking them                from such ‘reported’ hell
But Lady did not understand that Mom needed her help for a while
And Lady said that once Mom was in Spruce Grove, she would simply close her file
Because she said if Mom was worried ‘bout the safety of the boys
She should simply keep them on the 18th and never mind his “noise”.
She didn’t seem to get that Corry would be extra fighting mad
And Mom needed help securing them from the clutches of their dad

Lady said if Mom was worried about Dad, then just DO NOT RETURN!
And wondered why rather obviously, with him Mom could NOT be stern!
She didn’t seem to get it that things were very far from good
Mom was trying to get her ducks in a row. She was doing all she could!
‘Let Dad be ordered to get some help - because help is needed quick
He’s out of control Lady. Acting like a goddam di*k!’
Mom’s worried about her ex’s rage that he’s laying on the boys
And feeling unheard and disregarded, she begins to lose her poise.

‘Did I also tell you Lady that he’d shaved my boy’s head to the skin
And calls him a f*#king idiot and punishes eating junk food as a sin?
Lady PLEASE just inform Dad that a hockey parent called about the dress
And create a psychiatric intervention for him - to end this crazy mess!
But Lady could not understand and thought Mom was out of sync
Calling in Children’s Services which Mom thought the missing link.
And Mom is running out of options and decides to contact Dad
And tell him she is movin’ into Spruce and sharing custody won’t be bad!

THE SHOOT OUT- Confronting the Enforcer - One on One

And so, she promptly texts her EX but he holds fast and won’t agree
And says “The boys are happy and want to live with me!”
And Mom ain’t gonna let it go and insists she has the right
To have the boys in her house and hold her boys real tight!
And Dad, he gives her trouble and calls her wretched names
And they are right back in the misery of custody access games
He’s solid. He won’t let them go and will not even budge
And she says then they will have to go and sit before a judge.
And he says you will mind your business with what happens in MY home
And if you dare to interfere, you’ll soon be ……all alone.

                                         Written by Sandra Young Kolbuc

0 Comments

THE R & R HOT STOVE

4/11/2022

6 Comments

Happy Monday Everyone!
TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!
MORE BACK STORIES

In the initial draft of the book Gross Misconduct *Hitting from Behind *A Mother’s Love Story the following pieces of ‘artistic license’ written by Sandra Young Kolbuc were included in the main manuscript. They had been Tracy Stark’s favorite part of the book. It was decided not to include the literary pieces in the main manuscript. RATHER such compilations would fit most effectively in sharing the heart wrenching story of R& R in verse outside the confines of the book.

The Warm Up is over. The Video done. The Anthem sung. Tracy Stark, drafted into life in 1979, takes her position at centre ice to drop the puck in the tale of a resilient woman’s tragedy & tenacity, grace & grit, fire & spit as she negotiates the aftermath of the filicidal death of her two sons by their biological father. She is one brave Mama stepping into her power and stopping at nothing in finding her voice and getting her story and that of her R♥️R boys into the hearts and minds of all who read or hear of Gross Misconduct! Hitting From Behind: A Mother’s Love Story. May you the reader be bold enough to read or listen to the back stories and gather courage to join others game ready to have their voices ring loud and clear about things that matter and perhaps in doing so…save the life of a child……..

THE GAME OF LIFE

BY: SANDRA YOUNG KOLBUC

1ST PERIOD
MAMA. Are you aware of the fear lurking in his room
As he plays yet another swear-filled hip hop tune?
With pencil tight he writes of his rage
And fills in another hate ridden page
In the story of his sorry life
Filled with his own Dad’s raging strife
But Ryder’s getting stronger behind that wall
So, no one sees his pain at all…except his little bro Radek

You know in some ways this has been a good move
The older boy’s feeling more in the groove
He’s made good friends and seems doing well
Except for …his own very private hell
If he steps out of line or makes some mistakes
Do you know the bruises a hockey stick makes?
Or the names his Dad spits into his face
Some of those memories he just can’t erase.

He’s locked up tight and don’t say a word
No matter the insults his Dad has hurled
He loves that Dad so - so very much
And aches for a good word or positive touch
And knows Dad just wants to make him tough
So, what if he gets the “occasional cuff”
So, what if things go bad once in a while
‘Bro. We can’t help it if we can’t make Dad smile’

Big Brother to Little:
That’s just his look Bro.
That’s just his style
And he only does it once in a while.

But YOU sucky tit brother, spilling the beans with Mom?
You’re such a little idiot! So f’ing dumb
She’s not going to stand by and watch it all happen
Why you have to keep your f’ing jaw flappin’
We’re doing well except for …when he’s crazy
When he calls me a piece of shit…and then says I am lazy
But I’m not afraid of the man we call Dad
And really - Come on Radek …it’s not that awful bad”.

Big Brother to Little:
That’s just his look Bro.
That’s just his style
And. he only does it once .…in a while…..

Quit being a girl Radek and man up little sissy
You need to grow some balls and quit being so prissy
Quit trailing behind me and walk tall today
Breathe in a little courage or you’ll never get to play
You are such a little weakling. Your tears make me sick!
You forget you were born with a goddam prick??
Stop talking to your friends and quit yapping to Mom
She finds this all out and our future is done

Big Brother to Little:
That’s just his look Bro.
That’s just his style
And …. he…. only…. does it…..once ….in a while

I can handle it all, Little Brother. MacDougall’s my zip
I’m a fuckin’ tough bastard not takin’ no lip
So quit crying Radek ‘cause he’s making us strong
Stop worrying Little Brother. What can possibly go wrong?
Be tough on the ice ‘cause hockey’s our game.
Hockey will take us to fortune and fame
And stop dishing Dad. There’s no one to blame
Don’t be a baby and tarnish our name.

Big Brother to Little:
That’s just his look Bro.
That’s just his style
And ……he …..only… does… it…once …..in ….a …while.

STAY TUNED for the 2nd PERIOD HIGHLIGHTS
NEXT WEEK!

Love Sandra

6 Comments

THE R & R HOT STOVE - W5 Episode

4/4/2022

0 Comments

Good Monday Morning Everyone

TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!

   I contemplate what I know I want to write about this morning. Thoughts are swirling through my brain as I have been disturbed by the documentary entitled Parents Who Kill which I purposefully and painfully watched Saturday evening on CTV’s W5. The account of another mother’s story of abuse and coercive control followed by the filicide of her child in February of 2020 was extremely disquieting. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise as another mother shared her story of the behaviors she had endured from her ex-husband. She spoke as well of trying to raise concerns about her ex’s controlling abusive behavior to a judge who reportedly told her, her concerns were not relevant to the custody situation. Her desperate request for help to stop access of a father whose behaviors smacked of potential danger were not acted upon in time to save her daughter.

   There was a pattern in the reported behaviors of the perpetrator that was close to that of the blatant behavior of the father of Tracy’s two sons. I felt my guts clench as I watched and listened to the mother’s reported experience and was moved to hear of the path, she has chosen to bring awareness to changes needed in laws, policies and procedures to bring accountability from those in positions of influence and authority to change inadequate laws and practices in the protection of children. I commend the W5 Team for tackling such a critical topic.

   To be totally honest I did not even know the meaning of the word FILICIDE, the act of a parent killing his/her child, before Ryder and Radek died. When Tracy became my client, I wanted to learn as much as possible about the topic so I connected with Canada’s prolific expert in this area, Dr Peter Jaffe, Professor Emeritus Faculty of Education, at Western University. Dr. Jaffe’s knowledge in the field of filicide and violence against women and children was a critical piece of last night’s W5 program where he shared his thoughts during the broadcast.

   When I had emailed Dr. Jaffe when I first began firing questions at Tracy and beginning to write on the topic of filicide, I received an immediate response and plenty of excellent resources. From then on I referred to Dr. Jaffe as “my new best friend” for he enriched my knowledge base in doing therapy with Tracy Stark and in the writing of Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind.

   His response when I contacted him was: Thank you for sharing your book writing project. I am glad you are there to support Tracy and Brent. The book cover says it all. It is such an overwhelming tragedy and one of the only ways to cope is to find meaning in helping others as you are doing together. I hope you will find these resources of value in your writing. All the best. PETER

   Throughout our years of writing the book we would hear of other instances of filicide. Tracy did not feel it was right to include such heartbreaking information regarding the tragedies of others in our book. I knew there were many emotions she felt upon hearing of another act of filicide. However, such events increased Tracy’s resolve to share her experience and that of her boys with as many people as possible in a move to end such atrocities.

   I know with all my therapeutic skills I cannot protect her from whatever she was feeling when she hears true stories like those in the W5 interview although, like many, I wished I could.

   What I do know is with the publishing of our book we are now totally on task to share Tracy’s perceptions of what needs to happen to hopefully lessen such atrocities. I am sure this will not be the last time a documentary team covers this topic as even greater awareness is brought to producers. Kudos to those at W5 brave enough to shine a light on such bullying behaviors as well as the invisible wounds of coercive control which are detailed in the book. This topic will be taken seriously as more and more people increase their knowledge surrounding abuse and violence against women and children. Perhaps many will hopefully change their mindset regarding the rights of biological parents and the safety of children in situations of mental instability, rage or addictions in separated, divorced or intact families.

   When such an act of filicide occurs, we, as parents and grandparents or simply caring humans cannot fathom that a parent could actually kill his or her own child. We hear of such an event and it sickens us. We ache for the aggrieved parent and loved ones. However, we often hear no more of the situation when there is no trial when a perpetrator takes his or her own life. Such silence has not been the case in Tracy’s story where Radek and Ryder still live strongly in the hearts and minds of many as evidenced by the continual support Tracy receives every time she posts on Facebook regarding the boys and her struggles with what happened to her boys at the hand of their father.

   In our writing of Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind Tracy and I go further in our concerns and keep ever before us the hope that many will read the details, hear Tracy’s passion and commitment to finding meaning, as Dr. Jaffe says, by sharing her experience and those of her sons and perhaps collectively beginning to transform such a culture of violence in our society in the name of Ryder Patryk and Radek Stryker ….one reader at a time.
  Love, Sandra

0 Comments

WELCOME TO THE R&R HOT STOVE

THE R & R HOT STOVE - Media Day

THE R & R HOT STOVE... Period 2

THE R & R HOT STOVE

THE R & R HOT STOVE - W5 Episode

Sandra Young Kolbuc

Archives

Categories