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RnR Hot Stove - Birthday Vacation!

6/27/2022

GOOD MONDAY AFTERNOON EVERYONE!

What an incredible time I have had since I last connected with readers on the Hot Stove link! In April my three daughters had a secret group chat without me and informed me I was to keep the June 18th weekend free as they were afraid I would schedule a ‘book event’ that weekend and they had something planned. Of course, I complied with their wishes like a dutiful mother with adult daughters! My mother always taught me the importance of always having an event or occasion to look forward to! Tracy and I were on a blistering path promoting our book! Then she was packing up and moving to Edmonton!!! I was simply-in typical Sandra fashion… in constant motion! Then suddenly it was June and the Mother and Three Daughters connection had to get our plans in order! OMG. WE would be boarding flights for VANCOUVER in the next week!

But my anticipation was not just about the destination or the birthday cake with too many candles! It started when we finally began to talk about having some time together – just us! The texts and emails in preparation for our trip were filled with fun and hilarious wit!

A Rest and Restore trip with my most favorite extensions of myself – ALL THREE – to celebrate a significant trip around the sun with Big Mama proved to be the plan. PERFECT!

A FIRST……No one was assigned to pack snacks (for the children). No one brought Children’s Tylenol or swimming goggles (for the children). No one would need to ride double with a little one on her bike through Stanley Park. One of the fantastic organizers checked out some great venues for meals but we had no set-in stone agenda except…to be together and -unsaid-take many pictures of having fun for our memory bank!

And ….no one needed to ‘fix’ any problem at home. Dads were in charge and we had no crisis calls – well serious ones anyway!! And…everyone at home survived! YES! Even…the dog who has a crisis every week – waited until the following week to swallow a stick and need throat surgery!

Rarely do I get my three girls together without interruption from someone…. needing something. That is just the way motherhood works and they are all mothers. What a great gift they gave me to celebrate not only my significant sprint on this earth but being the mother of three amazing women who made me laugh so uproariously at their antics and who savoured all our incredible moments ALONE together. I asked my son if he would like to join us on our next adventure. “Well” he replied “Maybe for a piece of cake! But honestly Mom. I couldn’t see myself spending the whole weekend with those crazy sisters!” LOL.

Women spending time together. Like the women at the well in ancient times. Making things work in our families as chief executive officers – organizing, planning, writing to do lists. remembering appointments for everyone, racing to commitments, multitasking. Unbelievable human creations. Problem solvers, kissing away fears and hurt. Building self confidence in their own kids. And if you as a woman picked well -having a husband like I do- sharing all these parenting and couple responsibilities as a team as our kids were growing themselves up!

During the trip no one needed to leave her comfy bed in the middle of the night to settle a child. Although when I couldn’t remember my room number after hunting down an Advil at midnight, I did have to listen intently at a few doors to find my team…but it was not that difficult! The laughter & music continued! One team member did ‘time’ another as the younger sister went on a midnight run to grab Doritos from a vending machine in the lobby to ensure her sibling was back in 7.5 minutes and had not been attacked by an errant stalker in the stairwell. The Doritos were well received with seconds to spare!

We laughed and laughed and laughed together about my forgetting my phone in my daughter’s truck and one of my ‘athletes’ racin’ back thru security to grab it and return just in time for the flight. We all made new friends with Uber drivers and renewed friendships with precious women who joined us for ‘cake.’

I think my daughters sang the Happy Birthday song to me a dozen times- every time they could conjure a piece of cake out of the server at our table to set before me laughing as another piece of cake with lit candle and cotton candy or some such variation was presented courtesy of the venue in a continuation of my four-day birthday celebration

The only real responsibility my companions seemed to have was to take turns constantly requesting “Okay Mom. Show us your phone!”

We were however delayed on our return flight in security as I had neglected to remove contraband -a two-inch pocket knife -from my carry on. My organized travelling companion did not need to say anything. I just saw …the look. She had warned me previously about my tiny knife and other treasures that I might be stowing in my carry on. And besides the delay was only half an hour. We made it on the plane to return home! And then …just when I thought we had landed safely – my daughter headed briskly down the aisle as I struggled to get out of my seat forgetting I was on a plane rather than in my car and had difficulty ‘finding’ the buckle of the seat belt, struggling to stand up while still buckled, before beginning the search for the buckle! There was a chivalrous gentlemen holding back the line coming behind him so I could unbuckle, protecting this sage woman by stopping everyone from sprinting to their next connection or …. missing their flight completely while waiting for me to get up and out! When I finally realized how to release myself from bondage, I bolted quickly down the aisle looking neither right nor left! Yes. Sometimes I was the entertainment. And sometimes….my girls…were mine! We danced, we sang, we laughed. We videoed

Thanks to all the men in our lives who gave Big Mama this opportunity to bathe in such beautiful feminine energy and restore and renew in my quest with Tracy Stark to make our world a safer and more loving place for all children and their mothers.

And now my amazing first line centre, Tracy Stark and I will be returning to the ‘selling and signing’ game at the Summerfest in Sangudo on July 09, 2022. Thanks, Bob Walker, for sponsoring our table! We look forward to having you all visit our venue. May you all continue to take some moments with those who inspire you and get creative with your own self-care because we have important issues that need our united voices of concern in the coming months as we continue to share issues uncovered in Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind with the world! Stay tuned!

Love Sandra

PS: My girls and I are already excited and planning another adventure! Maybe Mayerthorpe! Just being together! A fantastic treat! Can’t wait! XXOO SYK

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R & R Hot Stove.... Marching On & Self Care

6/14/2022

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Good Monday Morning Everyone! Oops! I lie. It is almost midnight on Monday evening. Just returned from the big city and a visit to the APPLE Store to resurrect my computer and my iPhone. Big Time Computer problems so a day late …and a dollar or two short to pay for the gas to travel anywhere these days! However Tuesday is another good day to have a good day and it is supposed to rain. Hoorah!

It was another busy week in the lives of the authors of Gross Misconduct! Our Library session in Mayerthorpe drew approximately 30 people and it was wonderful to meet and talk with those who wanted to hear more of the story and have us sign their books. Thanks to all who attended. Not sure what happened at the Library in Whitecourt but I actually had a great conversation with Joseph the librarian as no one showed up! I actually started to giggle inside as no one NO ONE entered the library to hear our story. Obviously THURSAY NIGHT WAS NOT A NIGHT TO HAVE A GOOD NIGHT! Our Whitecourt Book Launches had caught all takers I guess and how could we compete with parents involved in baseball, soccer, hockey and a beautiful evening!

We continue to seek out events to extend our message. On July 9th you will find us at Summerfest in Sangudo and our books are now available not only in Whitecourt but at the Deep Creek Store in Sangudo, in Edson at Kwik Crests, Urban Image Spa and The Galloway Museum and in Drayton Valley at The Value Drug store as we continue to extend our reach. Books can also be ordered through Amazon, the Friesen Press bookstore. independent book stores will also order in the book for those interested. Always looking for conferences, gatherings etc to bring Tracy’s courageous story into the hearts of more people in our attempt to change the world one reader at a time beginning with the person wearing your jeans and brushing your teeth and hopefully reading our book. Please do not hesitate to share the story with another to expand our readership. It is a hard read but, if we never fail to confront that which is very wrong in our society nothing changes. Every voice matters as we bring family violence into our conversations in order to change what is not working in our society in regards to the safety of women and children and other vulnerable citizens. Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind is not simply a tragic story. It is also one of the great love, courage, resilience and healing. It is a Mother’s Love Story.

I always thought writing the book would be the most challenging part of this process but I have learned that there is so much more to such a venture than getting the words on the page. Life still goes on in the midst of our focus on writing. And sometimes we need to recharge – or reground in the process. We are both exhausted not only from the stress of writing but from the unknowns, the process of getting the book into the hands of readers and the adventures of everyday living with the book always in the back of our minds. It is an exciting journey and filled with many incredible moments in the experiences we share in book and in our encounters with readers and potential readers. It is also difficult when you meet people who report that although their children did not meet the same fate as Tracy’s boys they are living or have lived in fear or anguish for their children and themselves. I look over and see my client comforting another woman who has arrived to have her book signed. I speak to a young man in my line who tells me of the bullying he received not at school but in his own home. Our book experiences are beautifully connecting but also filled sometimes with the trauma of other people’s experience and they resonate strongly with us and remind us of the importance of continuing to speak up about things that matter. And to us we are doing just that. It is so important that such continues but we also need to remind ourselves to ground ourselves in whatever way we can. I planted my garden... twice. The first time my soaking seeds rotted waiting for me to find the time to plant and …nothing grew when I got those seeds in the ground. I had waited too long. Instead I hope we are planting other seeds in our interactions with others – planting seeds of the importance of having conversations about the need for change in systems and attitudes that failed Tracy and her boys in her attempts to keep her boys safe. The second time I planted my garden seeds again. Three nights ago. Bring on the rain!

I know that we each need to practice self-care as we venture onward in our promoting the book and encouraging others to read it and join us in confronting the culture of violence in our society. I know we also need to find balance and time for all those we love and care about.

I have resumed my 30-30-30. 30 minutes of yoga, 30 minutes of meditation and 30 minutes of journaling each morning. I had bumped my personal self-care plan to the curb going to my computer chair rather than my yoga mat each morning My goal now is restore the balance on this most incredible venture because…we are in it for the long term. Perhaps this is simply a letter to myself! To remind me of the importance of my own personal self care in this most critical venture. Hope you too are reading this Tracy Stark!

The last few days I disconnected completely ‘divorcing’ my technology and my age old writing practice of always carrying a notebook. Part of that was because my phone and computer both cratered at the same time. They were obviously in cahoots with my higher self which was telling me to take a break! …A breath…or two. So I completely unplugged. Took to note paper to record my thoughts as we drove to Jasper to watch our granddaughter play soccer. I worked hard to ground myself – feeling the support of the passenger seat in my Volvo as my husband drove attempting to be fully present to our beautiful drive. Noticing. Noticing the greenery, the cows and calves in the pastures, breathing in the beauty around me and remembering what I had done prior to being so very focused on our promotion of Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind. When my mind began to return to the challenges ahead in our marketing plan I came back to my body and noticed what I was experiencing. I had been telling everyone else to do exactly this for years and here in the now I had not been following my own advice! I began noticing my breath, feeling my ‘butt’ on the seat of the car and reveling in being fully present to what I was experiencing on our drive.

We did not turn on the radio nor listen to music although sometimes listening to or dancing to music can be a source of grounding as well. But today was not that day for me as I remembered the $229 ticket I received the day of our first book launch in Edmonton when I was so absorbed in singing Super Trooper by ABBA that I failed to realize my speed and soon found myself on the side of the road talking to a ‘Super Trooper sporting a car with a red and blue whirling light!

However today I sensed into my body and the sensations I was noticing as I recognized how ‘offside’ I have been in our quest to market the book. I practiced what I always teach! I went into my five senses and asked myself. What do I feel? What can I smell, taste, hear, feel and see – right here. Right now. It was a great day to have a great day! And I …almost slept through the night. What a gift I gave myself and my friends and family by being…fully present. Have a great week everyone – one moment at a time! It is quite a lovely experience!

                            Love Sandra

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The R&R Hot Stove - Another Tragedy

6/6/2022

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Happy Monday Everyone!

Last month we hear of another tragic school shooting of children by a ‘child’ of eighteen in our country to the south. An 18 yr old man-boy who was once an innocent child like all the children he blasted away in the craziness of a Monday afternoon. How could this happen?? Again???? Why are so many of these horrendous events perpetrated by young men? What the hell was going on in his twisted mind? What happened to this child-man in his own life that led him to do the unspeakable? Who protected him as a child? How did he arise to commit such a horrific crime and change the lives of so many families without batting an eye until he too lay dead?

I sit and think and there is no making sense of this. What happened to this man-child’s brain to have him take his rage out on innocent little kids? We look for answers in his growing up years. We look for clues that help us determine why he did what he did. I go back to the topic of my Master’s Thesis: Is mankind basically good or basically evil? We all shake our heads again in disbelief, aching for the parents of those innocent little kids. Aching for the parents of the shooter. Aching for the shooter. Aching for the police officers who…waited. Aching that these kinds of events continue and influence other potential shooters. The trauma in every citizen overflows with direct or vicarious trauma. Some will simply dissociate so they do not think about such an event or they have witnessed so many on TV or in real life and True Crime stories that another event like this means nothing. Or there is the talk: “ Thank God it wasn’t my kid, our school!” But life goes on. Politicians will wonder how to handle this to ensure they still cater to the ‘lobby’ groups so they will be re-elected. Everyone is left wanting. Wanting answers. Why?????? Wanting change.

Remember the song of the sixties

“Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.  Let me walk with my brother (or sister) in perfect harmony."

What do these events do to all children who witness the atrocity on the television or Ipad? What are we teaching our children? To be fearful perhaps and lie in bed worrying. Or That watching violent shows on TV is not real so it is okay? Or that violence is no big deal. Well it is! What does watching such violence do to the brains of our kids? Research it. Everyone has google. Anxiety levels in children have escalated exponentially. However continually watching the same scenes over and over normalizes such behavior in our society. Another hate crime? Another school schooling. Just a part of our culture? Let’s change that!

What is the first step to alter the trajectory of the next school shooter? Is he in Grade 12, a drop out, in Grade 4 or flashing a toothless grin in Grade 1? And what changes are needed to prevent such actions???? Who failed to do their jobs? What does yet another school shooting say about the democratic society to the south? What are we doing differently in Canada to prevent such travesties? Do we need armed police officers in every school? in every classroom? What happens to the brains of innocent little children participating in drills to know what to do if this sort of thing happens in their school? Who sold that young man the ammunition? The weapons? I continually wonder what happened to this young man in his own story? I continually wonder how such shootings increase the anxiety of our children and grandchildren when they hear or read or see on TV such atrocities. And perhaps the biggest take away from my writing today is a repeat from the book

“Worry Not that your children do not listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you. Violence is not simply physical abuse. It is verbal abuse, financial abuse, intimidation, violence by dreaded silence, sharp sarcasm, threatening behaviors, shouting fiercely, scaring your kids, unwanted sexual touching and …..ignoring, withholding LOVE. None of these belong in a healthy home. It is continually raising the heart rates of those in one’s circle of influence in a negative manner. Such creates physical, emotional and mental challenges that last long after childhood. I know. I am that therapist hearing such stories of childhood abuse or trauma emanating from my blue chair all the time.

Why is the profile of all school shooters so similar? What drives it? Google it! Where does the hate come from? I have learned that childhood trauma so often yields adult dysfunction. I have read nothing of this recent school shooting to confirm or deny that in this case. I turned off my TV at the news of yet another school shooting. I wanted to throw up. Like many iIt sickens me that these events continue to happen. What are we teaching our kids? Much media is filled with so much violence repeated over and over and over. When an event occurs, nothing is titrated. It is there in all its ‘splendor.’ often for the developing brains of young children. And our kids and grandkids are right there watching it over and over and over. Turn it off for God’s sakes. Protect their brains. Why do we applaud legalized violence on the playing field, in the ring or the ice or in our TV shows. Why do we allow violent video games in our children’s lives? We as parents and grandparents are our children’s greatest teachers. We must all work to bring the best versions of ourselves to those we bring into our world to infiltrate the acceptable of such violent incidents in our world.

Filicide is an act of a parent killing a child. That is part of their story but it is not all. Tracy Stark is willing to share her life so that another mother/father never comes upon what she did in December of 2016. It is also her journey in finding meaning for living to share her boys’ story sith the world and perhaps change the trajectory of another young child by sharing her experience…and her healing journey to have the boys;’ lives make a difference for another child. I encourage you to be strong enough to read and feel the essence of Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind. It is truly a Mother’s Love Story to keep another child from harm.

May we wrap our collective arms around those who have lost their children in such tragic circumstances and start conversations about what needs to change at the deepest level of keeping children safe – physically, emotionally and mentally from acts of violence and abuse.
Changes begins when we begin to have conversations about things we never talk about! May you be courageous enough to read our book and find others willing to share their thoughts as we look for solutions rather than bitch about problems and find our voices about things that matter.

Another Sixties Song pour out of my fingers:

One human hand can’t tear a prison down
Two humans’ hands can’t tear a prison down
But when two and two and fifty make a million.
We’ll see that day come round.

(Naturally I changed the word man to human)

We are all needed to change the culture of violence so rampant in our society) HOWEVER LET’S BEGIN THIS PROCESS ONE READER AT A TIME UNTIL WE JOIN HANDS AND SEE THAT DAY COME ROUND.

                              LOVE SANDRA

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WELCOME TO THE R&R HOT STOVE

RnR Hot Stove - Birthday Vacation!

R & R Hot Stove.... Marching On & Self Care

The R&R Hot Stove - Another Tragedy

Sandra Young Kolbuc

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