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THE R & R HOT STOVE - Published Authors

3/28/2022

TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!

Excitement is in the air! Tracy and I now know that within a very short period of time we will be smelling the freshness of the words on the pages of our newly minted hard and soft cover first editions of the book Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind! Last Friday the book became available for purchase at the online Friesen Press Bookstore. But… Tracy and I are now considered PUBLISHED AUTHORS. What a feeling!

Then yesterday …Tracy’s cousin called to tell her she was already diving into the kindle edition of the book she had just purchased on Amazon and was not sure how she would get any work done on that day, she read the whole book that day! WOW!

PLEASE STAY TUNED to our social media to learn of book launches, readings & signings as well as any other news regarding the release of the book. Such, in whatever form you choose, can soon be a part of your experience!

My teammates, our amazing social media coordinator, our marketing liaison extraordinaire, Donna Zazulak and our talented first line centre, Tracy Stark are all busy getting things in order to get this book into your hands or ‘line of sight’ asap. It is astonishing what a small team of focused women can do! We hope that you will help us make this book an Amazon Best Seller by continuing to follow us on Facebook and Instagram where instructions to smash through this challenge will be posted soon as to when to make your purchase to help get us to that Best Seller status.

AGAIN, PLEASE STAY TUNED as books will also be available for sale at our book launches and other events in Edmonton, Whitecourt and Calgary and from many book distributors as well as Amazon!

I can think of nothing finer than interacting with the many compassionate and caring supporters of our book, signing copies for people gracious enough to attend one of our events or who have gone online to purchase a copy or find it in one of the stores where the books will soon be carried. I feel particularly honored to have the opportunity to interact with many individuals both known and unknown previously by Tracy who have provided her with continual loving kindness over the course of the last five years virtually and in person since the death of her sons. It is our hope that the book will open the hearts of:

*Mothers and fathers still tucking in their kids at night.
   *Mothers and fathers who have lost children.
   *Mothers and fathers in intact families
   *Mothers and fathers in separated/divorced families
   *Mothers or fathers in single & solo parent families

   *Those feeling the heartbreak of a mother and stepdad.
*Friends and family and those touched by such tragedy.
*Strangers wanting to know more of the R & R story.

  *Coaches, teammates, schoolmates, hockey players, hockey moms and dads, coaches, officials, managers, hockey executives, fans and all other members of community sports organizations.

   *Parents in homes where violence still plays a role in their families
   *Women living in fear of abusive actions by biological/step fathers
   *Men living in fear of abusive actions by biological /step mothers
  *Individuals looking in the mirror and recognizing the role that anger plays in their lives and wanting to change such behaviors

  *Changemakers – those in actual positions of influence to change policies and procedures, rules and restrictions to protect children – people like politicians, lawyers, judges, police officers, bosses, business owners, elected officials, teachers, doctors, social workers, psychologists, mental health workers, probation officers, child care workers, etc. as well as those who have the courage to find their voices and understand the need for raising our collective declaration to stop whatever gets in the way of ending acts of abuse and filicide in our society.

Tracy continues to receive beautifully crafted responses and heart emojis each time she posts something about the boys or her struggle with the bottomless grief that periodically raises its head in her life. To add Tracy’s words “We want everyone to read it Sandra!” The heartwarming love of so many has truly lifted Tracy in her quest to make some sort of indelible meaning come from the tragedy that became her life a few short years ago. The RnR Memorial Foundation and her story revealed in the book Gross Misconduct: Hitting From Behind, A Mother’s Love Story. Help Tracy Stark in her quest to ensure the lives of her sons, Ryder and Radek, will make a positive difference in the lives of other mothers and children. May you be moved to read the book!


                              Until Next Monday,
Love Sandra

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March 21st, 2022

3/21/2022

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GOOD MONDAY MORNING!

TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!

In April of 2019 I accepted Tracy Stark’s request to work with her to share her story and that of her sons. Over the course of our work together we had the difficult task of deciding what to remove from the manuscript and what to include. The following passage is one of the chapters of the story that did not make the cut. I share an updated version of the chapter today to expand your understanding of the reasons I chose to be on Tracy and the R&R team!

PREGAME ROUND TABLE

The following is a call out to all regarding the devastating experience of Brent and Tracy Stark on the morning of December 19, 2016. It is written in the voice of a sports announcer and will be expanded upon in the rest of the manuscript of the book Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind. In hockey, a gross misconduct penalty is the worst infraction for which a player is punished. This book is aptly named and needs your attention to understand the importance of you as a caring human being finding your voice and letting it ring from the rafters of every arena, every coliseum, every stadium, every kitchen table, every church, every yoga studio and every staff room where people gather to STOP such violent action in our society. The story of Ryder and Radek and the agony of their mother and stepfather and all those who knew them is unconscionable and the culture of violence in our land must STOP. We the people must find our individual and collective voices to change this culture of violence in our society. Early yesterday morning I received a text from Tracy distressed at hearing of the suspected death of yet another young child by an act of filicide in our true north strong and free! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A replay of the fate of Ryder and Radek will now be told in the athletic persuasion that represents this Canadian hockey family that hopefully helps to make it more palatable. What am I saying? That is next to impossible. I would initially read my husband, a former hockey coach and now hockey grandpa what I had written at the ending of each day until he asked me not to read what had emanated from my fingers on the keys of my Mac computer to him until the next morning as he found himself tossing and turning in the darkness of the night at hearing such an disturbing pattern of abusive behaviors/discipline and filicide. Here it is now on the video monitor above Centre Ice where those in the stands can find the highlights of the final period of action in Ryder and Radek’s Game of Life here on earth.

GAME HIGHLIGHTS
THE ARENA IS PACKED. THE DEEP VOICE OF THE SPORTS ANNOUNCER CALLS EVERYONE’S ATTENTION TO THE VIDEO MONITOR ABOVE CENTRE ICE.
SPORTS ANNOUNCER: “HELLO HOCKEY FANS!. What you are about to experience is the GAME SUMMARY of the story GROSS MISCONDUCT! HITTING FROM BEHIND. A Mother’s Love Story.

   The following highlights of the R & R story is about to be aired. It is story of two young hockey ‘legends’ Radek and Ryder who absolutely loved the game of hockey. You may or may not be brave enough to bear witness to …the ‘rest of the story which will be expanded upon in the book. The Game Summary will allow you to understand the magnitude of what led to the writing of this treatise and its display on the video monitor. In its entirety the narrative will go behind the scene into the details of the story of these two young boys and their mother. Many may have difficulty absorbing the details of the story and like my husband will not be able to read it in the stillness of the night. Many will agonize over the fate of these beautiful boys and will toss and turn in the ‘safety’ of their own beds as they process the words that have emanated from the fingers of the storytellers - A Hockey Gramma ( & Therapist) and a Hockey Mom - sharing the full details of the unfolding of this horrific account on their computers and iPads and i-Phones and sitting together and processing the trauma within the nervous system of the Hockey Mom. If brave enough to read the entire treatise may all good men find tears in their eyes over the actions of one of their gender and recognize their vital responsibility in doing their own work in raising good sons so the incidences of such craziness ends NOW! May all good women also rise together with strength and courage for the safety of all children and well as themselves.

   Gross Misconduct is not a ‘man-bashing’ book as feared but some men. Rather it is a call to action to all men and women to end violence in our society. May men raised in the culture of violence, entitlement and grandiosity find the courage to examine their own behaviors, do their own work and stand up to other men still stuck in old programming when those of the male gender were unchallenged heads of the household and the disciplining of young boys often involved physical violence, verbal, mental & emotional abuse. ‘Spare the rod. Spoil the child.’ can no longer be the rule in raising good men! But neither can mental abuse, verbal abuse , sexual abuse and psychological intimidation be the experience inside homes or inside or outside the Dressing Rooms and Playing Fields of Life for our boys and girls. Both men and women must be strong enough to question the behaviors they witness in those domains where young boys and girls can be so scarred by abuse for the rest of their lives. Young children must never go to bed at night fearful of the adults in their homes and or on their playing fields of life.

The purpose of this story is not to emasculate men. Rather it is to encourage them to be the role models of social justice and self regulation for their sons and all young men and yes…for their daughters who unconsciously often choose men like their fathers. Most importantly more and more evidence is forthcoming regarding the connection between trauma in childhood and dysfunctional behaviors in adulthood. Times Up! #MeToo! Movements must not just include women but all human beings to expand our focus on ending violence in our communities. And now…let’s go to the action on the ice!

SPORTS ANNOUNCER: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Please Turn Your Heads and Look up to the Video Monitor where RYDER #3 and RADEK #8 stand holding their sticks and wearing their hockey uniforms with such pride as they display their last ‘hockey’ smiles. Where the replay of one of them scoring the winning goal in a championship game or holding the cherished Tournament trophy will never be shown because their father took that potentiality away by a selfish cowardly act of FILICIDE. Their lives on earth have ended.

LOOK UP! Their faces will never don the video screen above centre ice after today. However, may their legacy live on and bring awareness and action from all who absorb their story and that of their mother Tracy Ross Stark and seek to change the experience of the next child trapped in the craziness of a father or mother’s rage or mental health issue and ….if that is your personal story….
LOOK UP! Get some help if this is your way or the way of someone else in your life with your children.

LOOK UP! See these innocent faces of two handsome young boys and make a decision to let your voice become a part of the swell of voices advocating changing personal behaviors, laws, procedures and policies that aided and abetted the full blown tragedy that occurred on December 19, 2016 just down the street…….in a house like any other.

                                Until Next Monday,
  Love Sandra

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THE R & R HOT STOVE: WHEN THE UNIVERSE CALLS

3/14/2022

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Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I would be writing this exposé with my client, Tracy Stark. However, as the indelible Oprah would say ‘When the universe calls, answer.’ My call came in April of 2019 when Tracy asked me to write her story from my perspective as her therapist. Since 2005 I had been utilizing self-regulation therapy in my counselling practice. Having studied under the tutelage of two brilliant mentors who had established the Canadian Foundation of Trauma Research and Education (cftre.com), the study of trauma and how to work with such became my focus as I sat with those brave enough to cross the threshold of my office and sit in my blue chair. So many amazing clients shared their stories, their wounds, their victories and their unbearable pain in that blue chair. Tracy was one of those courageous individuals.

            I did not answer a resounding YES that day Tracy made her request to have me write her story from my perspective as her therapist. Rather, I said I would think about it. (I include a summary of our conversation – including some excerpts from Chapter 58 - Yes! I said the 58th Chapter - 74 chapters in total in the book plus a few bonus sections and many great pictures! Total Number of pages: Get ready for it …374!) Here it is:

            “Tracy sits quietly, her eyes closed, inhaling and exhaling the molecules in the air between us. We had just gone back to a difficult moment during our interchange as client and therapis.t She is exhausted from our evocative emotional work today.

            As we finish, I sit there in silence reflecting on her request for my involvement in telling her story and that of R&R. I am deeply moved by her request, her confidence in me, the totally unknown writer. This would be unfamiliar territory for both of us if I say yes. Suddenly her eyes become wide open as if she has discovered her second wind.

            “So…when can I have your decision?” she asks and quickly adds “Honestly Sandra, if you do this with me, I promise you, I will answer every question you put to me!”
            I start to laugh softly as she looks like she is expecting an immediate answer! I feel like I am in court.

            ‘Oh sure’ I respond. “Ask me when I am vulnerable and my heart is aching for you!” I sigh as I think about her plea, softening my voice as I say gently “I so admire your courage in thinking about getting your story out into the world Trac! I know you want to ensure your boys’ having lived will make a difference in the world!”

            I know I should give myself a little time before I make a decision. However, my creative mind has already gone to overdrive, thinking of possibilities of how to tell this heartbreaking story. I attempt to slow my thoughts and come back to the moment. Writing certainly is one of my many passions. My goal in working with women had always been to help others of my gender find their voices and the valor to speak their truth about things that matter and ….my client is now on a mission to do just that!

            “Sandra” Tracy says “You have convinced me that my story is bigger than me. That in telling it I can perhaps prevent a replay of what happened to my children in the life of another mother! Please don’t abandon me now, Sandra. We are just beginning…

            “God Tracy. Now you are using guilt! Of course, I will not abandon you! But I am not a professional writer. I have never published much at all other than a few newspaper columns in our small-town papers and a handful of blogs on my website.

            Again, she just looks at me “Sandra I have so much more to share. We have dealt with learning how to manage some of the post-traumatic stress responses I continue to experience particularly on specific dates. I have been actively grieving. We could move forward and tell ‘the rest of the story’ in a book rather than through my random posts on Facebook! That is what you said I should do! In many ways, I am becoming a different person. A different person with a vision and a mission! You knew my boys. You know me. I don’t need a professional writer. I need you!

            I remain pensive, touched by her intensity. Suddenly she interrupts my reverie. “Sorry but…” She looks at her phone. “I have a nail appointment at 5 pm so I had better leave now.”

She stands as do I. In the time we had worked together, I had never realized how much taller she is than me. I wonder if she is trying to intimidate me as she stands so tall, making eye contact with that look of dogged determination in her eyes! She leans in, gives me a hug, and leaves my office, closing the door gently behind her before I can lodge any further reservations about my writing with her. I return to the comfort of my chair to…think.

            Suddenly the door bursts open again and I see her red Wolverine claws, soon to be mauve for Easter, clutching the door frame as her blonde head pokes around the corner and she says with conviction “And thank you MY WOMAN! We will make an incredible team! See you next week!” And then…she is gone.

I sit transfixed in my chair, shaking my head, wondering…What the hell just happened?

                                                                                    Until next Monday!           Love Sandra

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A BIRTHDAY LETTER TO RYDER

3/11/2022

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Dear Ryder Patryk,

       March 1, 2022 would have been your nineteenth birthday Ryder Patryk. Somehow it didn’t work out for your mom and me to connect in a walk along the Athabasca River that day and talk about the wonder of you, her first born son. However, it was a day filled with the love of many attempting to shield your mom from the pain of not having you here to celebrate this momentous day when she first became a mother. I want you to know she still walks tall with the loving presence of her two sons, you and little bro Radek, wherever she goes. You are a piece of her forever now. She will tell you we are getting closer to publishing our book and soon many across the globe will know of R❤️R as your Mama and I share your story with the world. How about that #3?

      I can’t believe what is happening in our world today, Ryder! Young men just like you, eligible for the Junior A hockey draft, in a country far away are sitting in dressing rooms, putting on the team uniforms of their country, making sure their equipment is all ready and their helmets secure. The dressing rooms are no doubt a little quieter than the ones you changed up in as these young men head out to play the biggest “game" of their lives.

          One of these young people will pull out a rosary and kiss it asking for protection and strength to play a good game. Another will look at a picture of his loved ones, memorizing the features of each family member or…his sweetheart or new born child in a picture tucked into the side pouch of his sports bag as he heads into battle. A third player will be shaking with fear as he waits for the face off, praying he will not throw up even before the battle begins. When he and his teammates hear the national anthem of their country, they will not be swaying to the music with eyes closed leaning on their hockey sticks. Rather they will be standing firmly at attention listening to the orders of their Captain. They will not be asking their version of God to help them get that little black piece of rubber into the net. They will not be wondering if they will be the hero and score the winning goal and see it recorded on the score sheet beside their name. Some of these young men -just like you - on each team will be wondering if they will make it out of this ‘game' …alive. Unfortunately, none will leave this battle unscathed.
       The tragedy of all this is that they are not heading out onto the ice surface of an arena to meet an opposition with whom they will shake hands when the game is over. They are not carrying cherished hockey sticks. Rather they are carrying the weapons of war in a small beautiful country across the globe. Wearing the blue and yellow will be the Ukrainian team defending their homeland -their mothers and fathers, their sisters and brothers -from the Russian team that will be wearing their customary red, white and blue in their quest for victory.

There are no real rules of fair play in this battle, no referees blowing the whistle at unfair tactics or using arm signals indicating offside’ calls. There will be no9 Gross Misconduct calls for unethical plays. But you know what? Most of these players are simply virile young men, sons of women who birthed these baby boys -beautiful young men ...just wishing along with their mothers …just wishing that they were all just playing hockey for their country; hoping to watch the rising of their flag as they fight for that coveted gold medal in the world’s Higher*Faster*Stronger* TOGETHER* competition.

       That hockey competitions of the OLYMPIC GAMES perhaps decided in a crowd-pleasing SHOOT OUT with those treasured hockey sticks MUST become the only battle in which these young players engage on our ailing fragile planet so in need of finding that elusive LOVE and PEACE espoused by so many in the 1960s…TOGETHER -the add on word of the new Olympics - to end all wars where so many are victims of the brutal nature of war.

Stay Close Ryder. We need the essence of you and Radek to share strategies to end all violence in this fractured world….one reader at a time.

LOVE ❤️ Sandra Young Kolbuc
Grandmother of your former Wolverine teammate Gavin Kolbuc Stark #94