R&R Hot Stove - It's a good day to have a good day

Good Monday Morning Early Risers!  Finally, I have the right day and right time to bring readers my thoughts as I write my final R & R Hot Stove column.  In May of 2017 I began my 5 a.m. journey with Canadian guru and writer Robin Sharma where I began the 20-20-20 – 20 minutes of exercise, 20 of journaling and 20 minutes of meditation.  It has been an incredible way to begin my days and today as I write my last R & R Hot Stove column, I reflect on how far we have come in telling the Radek and Ryder story and that of their beautiful mother Tracy Stark.

It was in April of 2019 that Tracy asked me to write her story and that of her boys whose lives on earth had come to an end on that fateful day of December 19, 2016.  For three years of my writing journey with Tracy that 5 am slot became routine.  YOGA*JOURNALING*MEDITATION……. then .. at my computer with the writing of the book GROSS MISCONDUCT HITTING FROM BEHIND.  Unless of course, I even looked at my computer before I made it to my yoga mat!  It was a continual challenge as I was so eager to write that next line, that next page!   It was in the silence of those early mornings when the ideas flowed, the words connected and my writing journey with Tracy took me to another level of engagement with the written word.  I would send Tracy a ton of questions to answer.  I would explore her posts on FACEBOOK.  Then I would take what she had written and weave such information into our therapeutic sessions as we travelled together on this rocky road, as the back cover of the book says, of TRAGEDY*COURAGE*RESILIENCE*HOPE.  

We worked well together, she and I. Being Tracy’s therapist, I knew the risk of retraumatization by my client in having her continually repeat the story and was gentle and slowly able to guide my client by titrating her experiences, dealing extra cautiously with the traumatic pieces and never rushing the process.  Hence it was a three-year trek before the book could be released.  

There were times when Tracy would disappear on me and I understood why.  Sometimes I nearly went insane as I sometimes waited for her responses wondering, always wondering if it was simply going to be too damn hard for her or if she had changed her mind about sharing the intimate details of her life.  But then…she would reappear with that big beautiful big smile and determination - ready to continue our work together to change the world one reader at a time!  My guts would unclench again and we would continue our work together.

I also knew that I too could be vicariously traumatized as I learned the ‘rest of the story’ in depth and my self-care was paramount.  My 20-20-20 and our simple yet profound mantra of TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY in beginning or ending our texts was also a habit that sparked our focus to tell our story as therapist and client.  Tracy gave me the facts and the strong emotion connected with the anger and despair of a mother losing that most precious earthly connection with her sons who she loved more than life itself. I added the ‘color’ to the acute expressions of both devastating despair and rage that I experienced with Tracy as she sat in my Blue Chair.  We processed her undying love and continued connection with her boys that I also had the privilege of witnessing sitting in sessions with my client as we processed the agony of her sorrow and the tenderness of that love for her sons as she shared her memories of these precious boys and their stories.

Just two women – one a seasoned grandmother, the other a heartbroken Little Mama - sitting together – both determined to work through the trauma so unsettled in the nervous system of my client.  It was long and repetitive work to decrease the activation, track the breath, feel the support of the chair and be fully present to this brave woman in the confines of our space together.  

My client begins to move forward, heavily focused on fulfilling the promise she made to the boys on the night they died.  The promise that their lives would make a difference in the lives of other children.  I am sure that that night the idea of writing a book was not on her mind in any way, shape or form.  Her job was simply to grieve and grieve well and she started that process with the many many beautiful people she greeted one by one, many times being the one providing the comfort for those loving friends and acquaintances who graced her doorstep in the hours, days and months following their deaths. However, her healing evolved week by challenging week and setbacks continued with key dates or experiences as the pain of loss continued within my client.     

Then she asked me to write her story from my perspective as her therapist.  At first as those who have read the book know, I said no. I said she needed a professional writer.  It was such a dynamic and powerful story to share!   Tracy insisted it was me rather than a professional writer as we were walking this journey together and I knew her better than anyone. She was a powerful force in that counselling room that day.  I gave myself 24 hours as they do in hockey when there is a critical issue to solve.  Of course, I did not sleep on it.  My mind raced all night with possibilities and I obviously by the evidence here, I acquiesced! There have been many taxing and difficult moments in our work to bring the book into the world.  We sometimes had different ways of looking at things but I believe the respect for our differences and each other helped us in creating a powerful message for our readers and that continues to permeate our interactions in all aspects of our relationship as co-writers.  Tracy Stark?  I call her McTracy because of her tenacity and startling moves.  I am privileged to have assisted on a great number of goals with her as my first line centre and other stand outs on our team.

Friesen Press consultant Jess Feser was truly remarkable with her calm and caring presence throughout the writing and publishing of the book by two neophyte writers who had never had such an experience. Editor Rhonda Hayter proved beyond excellent in her perceptions of what needed to be central in the writing of Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind although her feedback was one of the hardest times for me in January of 2020 when she turned my sequencing and focus upside down…to make the book flow better.  She was right and our book became even more poignant with her input!  

Our Self-Publishing Journey had its difficult moments as well but….we survived and we began to fully recognize and get very excited with what we had achieved.  Each day as we got closer to publishing day our guts were full of terror that the books would not arrive before our planned book launches. 

The Woodlands Press ran a great full page article courtesy of Lorraine Jackson, the first to grab our story! The Whitecourt Star followed with the fine article and picture by columnist  Brad Quarin. The Whitecourt Press included a feature with the excellence of Serena LaPointe.  Needless to say….we were on fire!

And then ….one fine spring day unbeknownst to us the books were delivered en masse to Tracy’s door!  2500 of them! We were soon dancing on air, sniffing the pages of our beautifully constructed books!  And then….. the reality of the work ahead loomed even larger!  The questions came.  How now do we continue to get the word out? We were already promoting the book and encouraging sales at Amazon and Friesen Press on social media.  Then like a miracle…Enter Juliana DeWinetz, one of my precious soul sisters who introduced me to marketing guru Donna Zazulak of Edmonton, AB. Donna brought her expertise to the table and we were able to tell our story and be featured on many high-profile media outlets – CBC TV & Radio, Global News, Kerry Dahl’s podcast The Inner Circle, and Edmonton Journal’s Nick Lees columns due to Donna’s influence and of course Tracy’s incredible story.   Thus our marketing started with a huge bang in the spring of 2022. 

As well Donna’s connections with Wolfe Cadillac allowed us the privilege of having our first Book Launch at the beautiful Wolfe Cadillac Dealership in Edmonton and connected us with their team of wonderful people including Ashley Wolfe in Calgary. The Book Launch proved an excellent beginning for many many new and old friends who have become ambassadors of our mission.

It is our hope of course that our readers of the book will recognize the importance of speaking out about family violence.  May all those formally and informally invested in ending 
Family Violence join together in speaking out about such travesties in our communities not only in Alberta but throughout the world in whatever way works for you.   Changing the culture of violence requires all of us to find our voices and I believe this is a topic on which we can all join hands and work together.

Potential indicators of abuse can often be difficult to detect or recognize as possible indicators.  Abuse can take many forms of which physical abuse is but one serious factor more recognizable than some others which include – verbal, financial or material abuse, domestic violence, sexual abuse, psychological or emotional abuse, modern slavery, discriminatory abuse and bullying behaviors.  Evidence of any one indicator does not necessarily mean that abuse is occurring but such should alert others to that possibility where some sort of intervention may be needed. 

FAMILY VIOLENCE PREVENTION requires each of us to increase our alertness and awareness because collectively we can be a tremendous TEAM where TOGETHER EVERYONE ACCOMPLISHES MIRACLES in ending the culture of violence in our society.  Perhaps at the top of the list of ways to prevent or stop such violence is again creating healthy environments in which we role model appropriate behaviors for children because we know that CHILDHOOD TRAUMA all too often yields ADULT DYSFUNCTION.  Witnessing abuse or being a part of such creates traumatic responses within the nervous systems of such individuals.  As I always say “Worry not that your children do not listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you!”  Enough Sandra!  You have made your point not only in this Hot Stove post but throughout the book!  So I listen to myself and continue my accolades.

To Stacy Crossland, our social media expert and one of the most patient women I know who has been instrumental in providing us with not only her talent in the area of social media but with her wise words and cherished sense of humour in all things R & R.  What a gift it has been to work with Stacy and experience her commitment as well as her laughter and her deep responsibility to bringing forward our mission to change the world one reader at a time!   You Rock girl!

To my incredible family – my husband, my adult children and my grandkids - who have supported me in my work on the Hot Stove posts and the book with incredible grace and understanding of their most passionate wife/mother/ grandmother.  They as family members wait for me to finish my latest writing so we can have Facetime or supper or a game of Yahtzee or play Barbies, go for a side by side ride, play hockey or watch a show.  My love for each of you burns very HOT! Thank you for your patience and dragging me off the edge when my comments may have needed reworking!!!  

Lastly a huge thank you to all who have taken the time to read the R & R Hot Stove and/or buy our book.  Your comments, your continued support, your highly positive Amazon Reviews have all made this path on which we continue to be on so much easier.  May you all find the gift of PEACE AND LOVE THIS CHRISTMAS Season and as I extinguish the fire in the HOTSTOVE column please know that the FIRE still burns brightly within the R & R Team in our quest to change the world one reader at a time with our book GROSS MISCONDUCT HITTING FROM BEHIND.  

Sandra Young Kolbuc - aimstar@telus.net    
Tracy Stark -  tracy@rnrempoweringsocietyofalberta.ca                                                    

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                                                                                                                             Love, Sandra