R&R Hot Stove - The Three Pillars of Care

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!  Again, the Gods gifted us with the incredible beauty of the changing colors of autumn.  Since we had the good fortune of finding this beautiful quarter section so many years ago, our home has known the delightful sounds of children and adults celebrating outside and in as we focus on the many blessings afforded us as rural citizens in our beautiful Alberta, Canada each Thanksgiving.  Such has always been my favorite celebration but for some I am sure that they do not see it that way for many are struggling with simply putting food on the table these days.  May many with resources remember our friends and neighbours who need our support at the local Food Bank.

Two of my Calgary grandchildren who joined us for the Thanksgiving holiday, Winston (7) and Stella (9) shared The Three Pillars of Care they had learned this fall as guidelines for behaviors at their school -Olympic Heights School - in Calgary.


THE THREE PILLARS OF CARE

1.  TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
   
2.  TAKE CARE OF OTHERS
   
3.  TAKE CARE OF OUR PLACE
   

These youngsters were so eager to share these pillars at our Thanksgiving table.  They had obviously made an impact on them. We attempted to incorporate these behaviors into our Thanksgiving Weekend and talked about them with both kids and adults. I googled the school to learn more and add this important premise that followed the Pillars.  

“Students are instructed regularly about bullying/harmful behaviors and the strategies to deal with social conflicts.  Every student has a role and responsibility when it comes to bullying/hurtful behaviors and what it takes to create a sense of belonging for everyone.  Every student learns to give an “I feel” statement when this kind of behavior occurs.”

I am moved by the clarity of what our schools are attempting to do to decrease bullying. Pink Shirt Days of course being one such initiative. The Pillars of Care an obvious other.  I cannot tell you how many of my adult clients have shared that such childhood bullying by others has had a significant impact on them STILL negotiating relationships in their lives. How such had crushed their self-esteem long-time!  

Where do kids learn to bully? To disrespect others?  In the classroom? On the playground?  In the dressing room?  At their relatives?  On the playing field or dance class?  All can be venues for bullying and demeaning behaviors BUT each situation must be overridden by nonbullying behaviors and ways to deal with disagreements and poor behaviors in the most important venue of all.  THE HOME - be that home intact or separated.  Parents have the greatest responsibility to ensure they are not modelling bullying behaviors which are all too common particularly if parents have not done their own work to break the chain of TRAUMA AND VIOLENCE, they experienced themselves as defenseless little kids in a home where their boundaries were violated.      

Yelling, Hitting, Scaring kids into Submission, Modeling disrespectful behaviors to each other or one’s children is unconscionable behavior that too many kids experience at the hands of the bigger people in their lives. We all know the expression – Hurt people Hurt people.  And all too often children who witness or experience violence continue that same pattern as adults in their relationships or roles.

Human beings all start out as helpless tender souls.  We get our sense of self from our primary caregivers who ‘delight” in us ……or crush us with their inability to “deal” with the task of being  parents.  Parenting is the most challenging job on earth.  Children learn what they live and all are initially helpless human creatures simply wanting their basic needs to be met. Babies do not cry because they are bad creations!  They let you know their needs by crying.  Our challenge is figuring out what they need from us to not only survive but to thrive! 

HOME is where children learn their greatest lessons of how to handle adversity.  HOME is all too often where many first witness violence or are violated.  Being a part of such becomes tattooed on their souls and all too often becomes a template for continuing the vicious cycle of violence in many of their interactions as they grow to adulthood where the pattern continues as a way of walking in the adult world.  Add in rage and decreased self-worth or addictions as the cycle continues?  A scary trajectory for those in their path! 

Parents are their children’s greatest role models and if one thinks his or her children are not seriously impacted by experiencing unhealthy behaviors between their parents or that is directed at them or one of their siblings, think again. I have heard people say “We never fight in front of the kids so they are fine” Really?  Parents are modeling how to be in relationship, how to negotiate and manage conflict and how each parent takes care of him or herself. Kids feel the tension!  Violence by silence is also a “real” thing in families. Children pick up on such energy as well as experiencing such behaviors where everyone is walking on egg shells so fearful of a family member’s rage or terrified of being an object their parents’ abuse.  

I wonder what Pillars of Care you and your family team would develop around your kitchen table so that each individual would feel safe and cared for and free from the claws of bullying and violence all too prevalent in too many homes and in our society at large? May you and your family take time to build your own Family Pillars of Care with all members having a voice in such. It would be interesting what each family member would say…even the four-year-old ….as you establish some parameters for the health and well-being of your most cherished TEAM  that being your family where TOGETHER EVERYONE ACCOMPLISHES MIRACLES and everyone’s voice matters!

LOVE SANDRA