THE R & R HOT STOVE.... Grief & Loss

Good Morning Everyone!

Hope you celebrated a long weekend with the sun at your back…and front!!
Our First Book Launch at Wolf Cadillac was amazing, filled with many many wonderful people who dropped by to have their books signed by Tracy and me.  It was a wonderful weekend and this coming weekend, May 28 & 29, we cannot tell you how important it is to us to host a Book Launch and Signing in our home community of Whitecourt.

GROSS MISCONDUCT HITTING FROM BEHIND BOOK LAUNCH
WHITECOURT GOLF CLUB
SATURDAY , MAY 28 AND SUNDAY MAY 29
11:00 A.M. TO 4:00 PM

BOOKS, MERCHANDISE, SNACKS, DRINKS  
Smiles, Tears and Hugs 
 
We hope you will join in our celebration!

This morning I want to share an educational piece regarding grief & loss.  Many cannot imagine how they could possibly survive the loss of one child let alone two on the same day in the same ungodly manner to quote our book. How could Tracy possibly survive such unbelievable trauma and loss? How does she find her smile?”  Well, some days of course she can’t but her courage and strength is beyond what is imaginable.  She and I had a mantra we shared when we texted.  It was simple and we both still attempt to begin our day with a simple line on a wooden plaque on the wall of her kitchen….and mine.  “TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY” because whatever you focus on expands, expands exponentially.  But that is not enough……  There is more.

There are so many emotions one experiences in grief & loss.  Tracy was filled with so many unbridled reactions - shock, anger, depression, anxiety, hate, hurt, frustration, helplessness, RAGE & sadness. -many facets of grief.   

 Five major stages of grief -SHOCK, DENIAL, ANGER, DEPRESSION & ACCEPTANCE were coined by a Swiss psychiatrist named Elizabeth Kubler Ross as the path to moving through the effects of grief and loss.  Tracy’s experience did not follow that specific trajectory outlined by Kubler Ross and included much back-and-forth movement particularly when significant dates or potential rites of passage for her boys when their friends began doing these transitions which Tracy’s boys did not live to experience.  Many of these moments are detailed in the book.   BUT what transpired in Tracy’s healing was a definitive sixth stage of grief called FINDING MEANING as added to Kubler’s Ross’s work by Dr, David Kessler.  This was not about finding meaning in the deaths of the boys but meaning in the life Tracy continues to live on behalf of her sons who are now a part of her very soul.

To quote my co-writer  “The day my boys died I made a commitment to Ryder and Radek that the fact that even though their lives were brief their living would make a difference in the world and as I began to see the importance of sharing my story, I asked Sandra to write my story from her perspective as well as mine in order to start down that road.  

So that is what we have done! We have written a book that we hope will change attitudes, laws, give a voice to the voiceless, help those who live in fear to find allies to walk with them and chip away at the culture of violence that exists in our supposed civilized society.  

It took three years to write Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind because it was emotionally difficult for Tracy to write about the trauma of what happened to Radek and Ryder.  Breaks were need to process situations that were over the top HARD and we needed time to release more and more of the activation in her nervous system.  Reliving difficult situations in a titrated manner was essential.    However, WE continued to have a vision. And we never stopped believing in the importance of that vision of making a difference in the lives of women and children.  The fact that filicide-the murder of a child by a parent- still occurs in our country and that women’s shelters are necessary to protect women and children from violent men in their lives and …that such shelters are still burstin’ at the seams is so very wrong!  May you find yourself engaging in such important conversations with both men and women as we TOGETHER find meaning as a most important aspect of the grieving cycle.

As Margaret Mead, noted anthropologist once said “Never doubt that a small It is of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world.  Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever does.”  Our hope is to bring greater awareness to the possibilities that we all can be a part of taking family violence out of the closest and begin speaking about the changes needed in our attitudes, laws.  policies and procedures to STOP the family and intimate partner violence far too prevalent in our society and model for our children and grandchildren a better way. 

                                                                                                            Love Sandra