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WELCOME TO THE R&R HOT STOVE

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Hot Stove was initially a baseball term says Wikipedia.   My husband tells me that in Canada the Hot Stove actually refers to the hot stoves in the “skate shacks” across Canada where kids would “fry” their wet mittens as they warmed up and wiped their runny noses between stints on the ice in the skate shacks beside the ice rinks that dotted our prairie towns!  Who do you believe?? LOL!  My friend Ross Meek- athlete, coach and former PE teacher would speak about his ‘team’ of colleagues adopting the term to describe their gathering together in ‘Hot Stove’ conversations early each Monday mornings after a weekend of watching NHL teams compete in Canada’s game.  

Each MONDAY MORNING you will find a Hot Stove post here on our website.  The focus will NOT normally be about hockey although the passion of two beautiful young hockey-playing boys named Radek and Ryder was certainly front and centre when the boys were alive and the hockey theme runs throughout the book.  We plan to give the reader further insights into some back stories and delve into our objectives as writers of this powerful narrative.  We will profile the incredible courage of a mother and her counselling therapist in the telling of a mother’s love story.  We will also share the actions of those who have helped a grieving mother in the mending of her broken heart as she continues to work on finding a degree of meaning and mastery since the death of her two boys on December 19, 2016 in a brutal senseless act of filicide by their biological father. 
Sometimes the topics will be passionately HOT like that of a burning stove aimed at stoking your courage to find your voice about things that matter in ending all violence against women and children in our society.  May our words encourage you to speak from the rafters of every arena in concert with our aim to end such violence.   Sometimes hopefully we will also bring a grin to your face as we share our connection on this road as client and therapist since 2017. 

                                                                                                                                                SANDRA YOUNG KOLBUC   ​

THE R & R HOT STOVE... Period 2

4/19/2022

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TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!

The past week has been filled will many incredible moments as more and more potential readers have posted that they have had the opportunity to begin reading the book Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind or have ordered the book from Amazon.ca or Friesen Press.


Tracy and I thank all those who have shared their impressions and their willingness to read and share the R & R story with others.    Last week I posted the Ist Period verse I had constructed and which we ultimately chose not to include in the book. Today I share with you the rest of the Game of Life as an adjunct to what you will read in the manuscript.  Please revisit last week’s Are You Woke Mama if you wish to review the previous Introduction and initial first period.

SECOND PERIOD - Manly Man Techniques    
You remember when Ryder bullied his best friend after play?
Threw the kid’s equipment in the urinal that day
And laughed his head off at his teammate’s tears
And called him a ‘wuss’ and laughed at his fears
It must be damn hard Mama …raising HIS father’s son
Get them away from “Corry Manly Man” before he is done
He’s a bullying hard ass Dad and teaching them well
You gotta get them both out of that f*#kin’ livin’ hell! 

You’re waiting to chat ‘cause Ryder’s messed up at school
Writing about a teacher and some classmates - not cool
He’s gone from the team ’til school suspension is o’er
And nobody called you from behind the school’s door?
Nobody called you and said he’d done wrong?
Nobody suspected something bad was going on??
They were under Dad’s roof and silence was the game
And he said his way of disciplining was…not yours to tame!

So, to Value Village Dad took him and made him buy a woman’s dress
Forced him to wear it to hockey practice and endure embarrassing distress!
Ryder pretended it didn’t matter – Hard Dryland training and all
And practiced his guts out and never did he fall
Just acted like everything was simply going right
He buttoned his lip and zipped his mouth tight.
Except to a linemate when he said his dad was a F*#k
His teammates stayed with him and blessed their own fortunate luck!

The coach he done told him to change to his workout gear
Ryder shook his head cockily and the coach he saw no fear 
As Ryder worked out in the dress and Dad’s words …He did OBEY
And the practice went on as usual and Ryder just continued to play.
And the coach said ‘Ok son’ and ‘I can understand’
And it seemed ‘No Big Deal’ so practice went as was already planned
And all of Ryder’s teammates worked out by his “flowing” side
And watched as he simply carried himself with that fierce Ryder pride! 

Practice then was over.  Helmet off.  Then they all saw
His head had been shaven and looked almost raw.
His Dad? He had scalped him and nobody told
This man pact of “Don’t ask. Don’t tell?”  It’s gettin’ bloody old! 
Did it cross any adult mind to maybe call his mom?
And tell her quite simply of what her Ex -husband “may” have done?
Mama? Nobody called you?  No one at all?
Mama? Nobody called you? ….. A really bad call!

THIRD PERIOD - Blowing the Whistle 
THEN behind the wall he is crying - crying all alone
He hides the sound of his terror as he calls her on the phone     
And Little Brother has talked to Mom and told about the dress
And Big Brother is trying hard to be strong but dying from the stress
And tells her now to simply ..simply..  get us out
Dad has gone too far this time without an f*#kin’ doubt
And finally, Ryder breaks right down, tears falling from his eyes
And he can no longer hold in the truth and protect Dad with his lies. 

A Dad bullying his sons to manhood with ‘manly’ man techniques          
The secret of ‘Don’t Ask? Don’t Tell’ and be sure there are no ‘leaks’
And Dad won’t let them talk to Mom when they are on his time
And Dad calls Mom down continually - a practice so sublime
And Radek is afraid to ‘cry ‘cause Dad gets so darn mad
And starts to think as he blinks back tears, that he’s really really bad
And wipes his eyes quite swiftly as Dad call him a ‘girly girl’
And he just wants his Mama’s arms  ….  his mind is in whirl
 
And Mama wants her boys back but not to foil their dream
Hockey is their passion.  Life’s about their team.
They want to make ‘the big time’ but things are getting worse         
Was letting them live with Dad just a horrible curse?
But now there is no question after hearing ‘bout the dress
Sharing custody with Dad this way is filled with deep distress
He’s trying to control not just the boys, but her actions as well
He’s telling her not to interfere and go to bloody hell

And Mama’s learning more and more about their situation
The little ‘leaks’ are bringing her so much more consternation   
She quickly buys a duplex and sets it up real nice. 
She’s moving into Spruce Grove to be there at any price
Just down the block where she can live to BE THERE for her boys        
And create a close-by safety zone away from Corry’s “noise.”
She’s not afraid of Corry.  That’s never been the case.
But now she’s getting worried ‘bout what’s happening at his place.
 
She starts the wheels turning to get her boys back in her care
She begins by writing a letter and sends it “over there”
The Children and Family Services stamp is on the words she sent
Referred to yet another worker. She’s getting rather bent.
She wants some help from CHILD SERVICES to get the boys back in her home 
 She realizes she IS afraid of living all alone
With Dad so full of anger and living down the road
She worries that he’ll confront her and maybe just explode!


OVERTIME-Talking with the ‘Referee’

Then a woman from Children’s Services calls her, calls her on her cell
  And says you’re doing the right thing in moving here, taking them                                                from such ‘reported’ hell
But Lady did not understand that Mom needed her help for a while
And Lady said that once Mom was in Spruce Grove, she would simply close her file
Because she said if Mom was worried ‘bout the safety of the boys
She should simply keep them on the 18th and never mind his “noise”.
She didn’t seem to get that Corry would be extra fighting mad
And Mom needed help securing them from the clutches of their dad

Lady said if Mom was worried about Dad, then just DO NOT RETURN!
And wondered why rather obviously, with him Mom could NOT be stern! 
She didn’t seem to get it that things were very far from good
Mom was trying to get her ducks in a row. She was doing all she could!
‘Let Dad be ordered to get some help - because help is needed quick
He’s out of control Lady.  Acting like a goddam di*k!’
Mom’s worried about her ex’s rage that he’s laying on the boys
And feeling unheard and disregarded, she begins to lose her poise.

‘Did I also tell you Lady that he’d shaved my boy’s head to the skin
And calls him a f*#king idiot and punishes eating junk food as a sin?
Lady PLEASE just inform Dad that a hockey parent called about the dress
And create a psychiatric intervention for him - to end this crazy mess!
But Lady could not understand and thought Mom was out of sync
Calling in Children’s Services which Mom thought the missing link.
And Mom is running out of options and decides to contact Dad
And tell him she is movin’ into Spruce and sharing custody won’t be bad!

THE SHOOT OUT- Confronting the Enforcer - One on One

And so, she promptly texts her EX but he holds fast and won’t agree
And says “The boys are happy and want to live with me!”
And Mom ain’t gonna let it go and insists she has the right
To have the boys in her house and hold her boys real tight!
And Dad, he gives her trouble and calls her wretched names
And they are right back in the misery of custody access games    
He’s solid.  He won’t let them go and will not even budge
And she says then they will have to go and sit before a judge.
And he says you will mind your business with what happens in MY home
And if you dare to interfere, you’ll soon be ……all alone. 
​


                                                                                                Written by Sandra Young Kolbuc
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    Sandra Young Kolbuc

    Sandra is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist  who has been in private practice since 1993. As an incredibly engaging speaker Sandra as a storyteller weaves together her adventures as a woman of the earth, a wife, mother, grandmother, professional therapist and good good friend finding joy and hilarity in life coupled with serious reflection on the challenges that exist in life.

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