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WELCOME TO THE R&R HOT STOVE

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Hot Stove was initially a baseball term says Wikipedia.   My husband tells me that in Canada the Hot Stove actually refers to the hot stoves in the “skate shacks” across Canada where kids would “fry” their wet mittens as they warmed up and wiped their runny noses between stints on the ice in the skate shacks beside the ice rinks that dotted our prairie towns!  Who do you believe?? LOL!  My friend Ross Meek- athlete, coach and former PE teacher would speak about his ‘team’ of colleagues adopting the term to describe their gathering together in ‘Hot Stove’ conversations early each Monday mornings after a weekend of watching NHL teams compete in Canada’s game.  

Each MONDAY MORNING you will find a Hot Stove post here on our website.  The focus will NOT normally be about hockey although the passion of two beautiful young hockey-playing boys named Radek and Ryder was certainly front and centre when the boys were alive and the hockey theme runs throughout the book.  We plan to give the reader further insights into some back stories and delve into our objectives as writers of this powerful narrative.  We will profile the incredible courage of a mother and her counselling therapist in the telling of a mother’s love story.  We will also share the actions of those who have helped a grieving mother in the mending of her broken heart as she continues to work on finding a degree of meaning and mastery since the death of her two boys on December 19, 2016 in a brutal senseless act of filicide by their biological father. 
Sometimes the topics will be passionately HOT like that of a burning stove aimed at stoking your courage to find your voice about things that matter in ending all violence against women and children in our society.  May our words encourage you to speak from the rafters of every arena in concert with our aim to end such violence.   Sometimes hopefully we will also bring a grin to your face as we share our connection on this road as client and therapist since 2017. 

                                                                                                                                                SANDRA YOUNG KOLBUC   ​

THE R & R HOT STOVE: WHEN THE UNIVERSE CALLS

3/14/2022

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Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I would be writing this exposé with my client, Tracy Stark.  However, as the indelible Oprah would say ‘When the universe calls, answer.’  My call came in April of 2019 when Tracy asked me to write her story from my perspective as her therapist. Since 2005 I had been utilizing self-regulation therapy in my counselling practice. Having studied under the tutelage of two brilliant mentors who had established the Canadian Foundation of Trauma Research and Education (cftre.com), the study of trauma and how to work with such became my focus as I sat with those brave enough to cross the threshold of my office and sit in my blue chair.  So many amazing clients shared their stories, their wounds, their victories and their unbearable pain in that blue chair. Tracy was one of those courageous individuals.

            I did not answer a resounding YES that day Tracy made her request to have me write her story from my perspective as her therapist.   Rather, I said I would think about it. (I include a summary of our conversation – including some excerpts from Chapter 58 - Yes! I said the 58th Chapter - 74 chapters in total in the book plus a few bonus sections and many great pictures! Total Number of pages:  Get ready for it …374!)  Here it is:  
 
            “Tracy sits quietly, her eyes closed, inhaling and exhaling the molecules in the air between us. We had just gone back to a difficult moment during our interchange as client and therapis.t She is exhausted from our evocative emotional work today.

            As we finish, I sit there in silence reflecting on her request for my involvement in telling her story and that of R&R. I am deeply moved by her request, her confidence in me, the totally unknown writer.  This would be unfamiliar territory for both of us if I say yes. Suddenly her eyes become wide open as if she has discovered her second wind.

             “So…when can I have your decision?” she asks and quickly adds “Honestly Sandra, if you do this with me, I promise you, I will answer every question you put to me!”
            I start to laugh softly as she looks like she is expecting an immediate answer! I feel like I am in court.

            ‘Oh sure’ I respond. “Ask me when I am vulnerable and my heart is aching for you!” I sigh as I think about her plea, softening my voice as I say gently “I so admire your courage in thinking about getting your story out into the world Trac! I know you want to ensure your boys’ having lived will make a difference in the world!”

             I know I should give myself a little time before I make a decision. However, my creative mind has already gone to overdrive, thinking of possibilities of how to tell this heartbreaking story.  I attempt to slow my thoughts and come back to the moment.  Writing certainly is one of my many passions.  My goal in working with women had always been to help others of my gender find their voices and the valor to speak their truth about things that matter and ….my client is now on a mission to do just that! 

            “Sandra” Tracy says “You have convinced me that my story is bigger than me.  That in telling it I can perhaps prevent a replay of what happened to my children in the life of another mother!  Please don’t abandon me now, Sandra.  We are just beginning…
​
            “God Tracy.  Now you are using guilt!  Of course, I will not abandon you!  But I am not a professional writer.  I have never published much at all other than a few newspaper columns in our small-town papers and a handful of blogs on my website.

            Again, she just looks at me “Sandra I have so much more to share.  We have dealt with learning how to manage some of the post-traumatic stress responses I continue to experience particularly on specific dates.  I have been actively grieving. We could move forward and tell ‘the rest of the story’ in a book rather than through my random posts on Facebook!  That is what you said I should do!  In many ways, I am becoming a different person.  A different person with a vision and a mission!  You knew my boys.  You know me.  I don’t need a professional writer.  I need you!

            I remain pensive, touched by her intensity.  Suddenly she interrupts my reverie.  “Sorry but…” She looks at her phone.  “I have a nail appointment at 5 pm so I had better leave now.” 

            She stands as do I.  In the time we had worked together, I had never realized how much taller she is than me.  I wonder if she is trying to intimidate me as she stands so tall, making eye contact with that look of dogged determination in her eyes!  She leans in, gives me a hug, and leaves my office, closing the door gently behind her before I can lodge any further reservations about my writing with her. I return to the comfort of my chair to…think. 

            Suddenly the door bursts open again and I see her red Wolverine claws, soon to be mauve for Easter, clutching the door frame as her blonde head pokes around the corner and she says with conviction “And thank you MY WOMAN! We will make an incredible team!  See you next week!”  And then…she is gone.
 
             I sit transfixed in my chair, shaking my head, wondering…What the hell just happened?

 
 
                                                                                    Until next Monday!           Love Sandra
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    Sandra Young Kolbuc

    Sandra is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist  who has been in private practice since 1993. As an incredibly engaging speaker Sandra as a storyteller weaves together her adventures as a woman of the earth, a wife, mother, grandmother, professional therapist and good good friend finding joy and hilarity in life coupled with serious reflection on the challenges that exist in life.

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