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Reflection

8/15/2022

GOOD MONDAY MORNING EVERYONE!

Today is another good day to enjoy our beautiful summer. I always relish the beginning of a new month. For me today is a chance to ‘aimstorm’ all those things I want to accomplish in the coming days of August. Often a brand-new month provides me with a reset when I have veered off my morning routine of 30-30-30 (Yoga- Meditation-Journaling) to consciously begin my days and the new month gets me back on track. A new beginning is also chance to take time to reflect on where I am and where I am going in my life in the next thirty days.

Since publishing the book Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind Tracy and I have been travelling at a blistering pace in our quest to gain readers and help change the culture of violence against women and children in our society. It has been exhausting and sometimes heartbreaking for in this process we have heard many stories of women relating their own personal challenges with separation, divorce and sharing custody or from those still too frightened to leave abusive relationships or who have left and relate to Tracy’s experience.
Others commend Tracy for her courage in telling her story and calling out systems that she believes could have created a different outcome for her and her sons. Some write to tell us they have difficulty reading the book because it is too sad or …..triggers experiences from their past that they have pushed out of their consciousness.

The other day I spoke with a woman who said “At first the book was a difficult read because it brought up many memories of things I had experienced in leaving an abusive partner and my heart raced when I realized Tracy’s story could have been mine! However, if a person can keep reading past the initial part of the book it is amazing how much one can learn as I know I did in dealing with my own ‘crazy-making’ situation. I learned little things that helped me be more grounded, more ‘regulated.’ I too felt the Justice system and Child Services system failed me.’ Another woman shared her belief that talking about abuse should not be confined only to the Family Violence month of November. A medical doctor shared that he found the book helpful in understanding how trauma can be effectively treated, his strong take aways being that trauma resides in the body rather than the experience. That talk therapy and/or medication can be an important aspect of treatment but only part in the healing process of dealing with traumatic experiences. Another woman shared that having a therapeutic relationship detailed in the book was helpful for her in her reading as she sometimes put herself in the ‘blue chair’ as I interacted with Tracy. She stated she learned some things about managing her own stress responses by what transpired between a trauma therapist and a client. There are many facets to this book which I hope will encourage others to move forward in the reading of this mother’s story of not only a tragedy but of a path of healing as well.

Another area of focus in the book is the tremendous sense of community from all those who reached out to Tracy following the death of Ryder and Radek and who continually provide accolades for the book and loving texts and emails to Tracy as my co-writer continues to walk the walk with her boys in a different way now they are no longer physically present in her life.
Leaving Whitecourt was far more difficult than she imagined it would be as the community has been such a critical part of her support system since the boys died. She says however “They are still my boys. I am still in a relationship with them. It is just different now as I focus on sharing their story with the world!” It is her supreme goal to ensure their short presence on earth makes a difference in the lives of other mothers and children. The continued encouragement of friends and strangers alike inspires us to continue promoting the book and is fundamental in creating awareness of the need for change in how relationship breakdowns and disruptions are legally managed. The adversarial legal system of ending relationships is obviously not working well and with forty per cent of marriages ending in divorce we need to explore alternatives. More on this is a future blog.

There are so many individuals and groups purchasing the book and sharing their comments, 95% of which are extremely positive. We are grateful as we bring but one story into the mass consciousness in hopes that by bringing awareness to the serious issue of the abuse of women and children into everyday conversations, we as a society can change laws, procedures and policies that failed Tracy Stark in her attempts to protect her children. When we do not speak or avoid reading or talking about such things, they do not disappear. We as women and the men who seriously love us need to speak out to bring such consciousness to those in positions of influence to change laws, policies and procedures that failed a mother and her two children and which fail many others. That a woman and her children need to be housed in ‘protective custody’ while their abuser walks the streets or continues to clandestinely terrorize those they have been abused while waiting for a ‘fair trial’ is a travesty beyond comprehension!

The month of August will provide me time for reflection, renewal and reconnection with those who have honored my passion and the time I have taken away from my family and friends in writing Tracy’s story. Time to reconnect with those who have been so patient with me and my endeavor. Please tune in to my next blog come September as I take an August break from writing. May you share the book with others to increase our reach and we always welcome strategies to expand our readership!

AND…may August also bring you the reader some powerful moments of reflection regarding how you can personally change the ‘culture’ and ‘the language’ of violence in your personal world or that of our society by recognizing the importance of using your voice when you engage in, witness or hear of such abuse in your own sphere of influence.

                                        LOVE, SANDRA

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RnR Hot Stove... Intergenerational Trauma

7/25/2022

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GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! Excitement reigns along Hwy 43 this week as Pope Francis, head of the Catholic Church, travels to attend the Lac Ste. Anne pilgrimage site near Alberta Beach. First called Wakane or God’s Lake by the Alexis Nakota Sious Nation who live on the west end of the Lake and Manito Sahkahigan or Spirit Lake by the Cree, Lac Ste Anne is one of the most unique gatherings in North America. Each July thousands of pilgrims make their way to the shores of Lac Ste. Anne. Many come in search of healing and spiritual renewal. It has become the largest annual Catholic gathering in Western Canada.

Yesterday Pope Francis began a historic visit to Canada to apologize to Indigenous peoples for abuses by missionaries at residential schools, a key step in the Catholic Church’s efforts to reconcile with indigenous communities in the healing of generations of trauma. As a therapist I recognize that intergenerational trauma is real and has filtered down to affect indigenous peoples as well as all those raised in cultures where trauma has been a part of their history. The annual Pilgrimage was established in honor of Saint Anne, mother of the Blessed Virgin Mary. The grandmother figure has always had a strong importance within aboriginal culture and we continue to see the importance of the grandmother in the raising of children in all cultures.

Although I am not indigenous, as a grandmother of many, I recognize that my voice still matters. I can still be….a dangerous woman! I can be a sage, an old crone, a woman with a voice to speak up about all such abuse of women and children and other vulnerable citizens. I want to be joined by many grandmothers - indigenous and other - whose voices still matter -to lead us from the past into a new future free of the culture of violence and abuse still so prevalent in our world in many different forms.

This week we focus on reconciliation initiated by the revelation of the deaths of many vulnerable children ‘ raised' in residential schools by people commissioned to ‘ educate’ these young people - to take the INDIAN out of them! . Kids - ripped from the arms of their parents in order to take them away and teach them to be good Catholics and pray for the removal of their sins. The thought of one of my grandkids being wrenched from the arms of their Mother or Dad by the RCMP or some such other authority rages in my guts! However an apology from the highest leader of the Catholic Church and other such religious organizations is perhaps the beginning of righting the wrongs of our ancestors as many young vulnerable children raised in residential schools became ‘Good Catholics!’ once their total culture was destroyed in those institutions where they could not speak their language, wear their braids, see their parents, sleep with their older sister for comfort in the coldness of those institutions nor do anything but obey the big people who were their custodians.

May the grandmothers in all cultures find their voices about issues regarding the continued abuse and violence against all peoples who have been and are still experiencing discrimination and bullying because of their size (aka children), their sex or sexual orientation, the color of their skin or their culture. We as 'settlers’ have much to learn from the Indigenous culture and I am so touched as I read the accounts by Indigenous people brave enough to find their voices in the FINAL REPORT OF THE TRUTH AND RECONCILIATION COMMISION OF CANADA. Honoring the Truth and Reconciling for the Future.


May the words of apology of Pope Francis to our Indigenous peoples ring loudly across the skies. We as women-both indigenous and other, who made steps forward in the tumultuous sixties with advocates such as Buffy Ste Marie to gain hard fought rights must not stop finding our voices about things that matter. Look at Roe and Wade? WE MUST ALL BE DANGEROUS GRANDMOTHERS SO SUCH INJUSTICE AGAINST VULNERABLE WOMEN AND CHILDREN STOPS AND NEVER REARS ITS HEAD AGAIN in any form. We are the SAGES. WE MUST USE OUR EXPERIENCE AND FIND OUR VOICES! OUR OUTRAGE! OUR CONTINUED SUGGESTIONS FOR NECESSARY CHANGES. And may Pope Francis recognize the importance and the power of his words for our beautiful Indigenous Peoples ON THE SHORES OF LAC STE ANNE.

May many Indigenous grandmothers and grandfathers who experienced the pain of residential school find comfort from the words of one of the world’s greatest religious leaders in the quest to bring peace, comfort and reconciliation in all our relationships as we move forward in changing the world one interaction at a time. May there be much healing for all those impacted by the residential school travesty and may THE GRANDMOTHERS CONTINUE TO FIND THEIR VOICES ABOUT THINGS THAT MATTER AND JOIN US as we attempt to impact the culture of violence in our world by sharing one woman’s story in Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind. A Mother’s Love Story!

LOVE SANDRA

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RnR Hot Stove... Taking Care of Yourself

7/18/2022

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GOOD MONDAY AFTERNOON EVERYONE!

This morning I am basking in the beauty of the morning out here in the wilds of Northern Alberta. I love getting up before the rest of the world and listening to the sounds of the earth waking up as my brain too begins that process. I am a WORDLE fan now which helps to wake up my brain! As well for years I have been a great follower of Robin Sharma, a motivational speaker and author originally from the East Coast of Canada. In May of 2017 after moving from full time practice as a counselling therapist to part time so I could write my own story entitled You Don’t Have To Climb a Mountain. I signed up for an inspirational 63-day online program by Robin Sharma. Each day I arose at 5 a.m. and headed to my office upstairs and listened to my new guru. His message was short and inspiring. He cited research that indicated that change did not take 21 days as many believe. Rather change required 63 days to alter the neural pathways in the brain. Hence the length of the course. I adapted the 20-20-20 ritual he purported - 20 minutes of Exercise, 20 Minutes of Meditation and 20 Minutes of Journaling where I would record Five Wins for the day ahead (things I would AIM to accomplish) and 12 Blessings in my life. The Blessing part alone has been shown to change brain pathways as well. I am always a bit over the top so I adapted Sharma’s system to suit my needs at 30 minutes each for the three tasks.

My other ritualistic endeavor I added later in the day was the daunting 10000 steps along the trails or roads of my world with my urban poles, my two golden retrievers and my Bear Spray …just in case. I would listen to one podcast or another. Always craving to learn more as I AIMed again to bring forward the best version of this old babe! A bit of a nerd…me! These ritualistic practices became my way of being to begin my day. As a high energy individual such helped me create focus and, as a forever jock, maintain my fitness.

Then…in April of 2019 Tracy Stark asked me to join her in writing her story from my perspective as her therapist. We made that decision and all was great as I peppered her with questions! My 30-30-30 routine sustained me in the writing process but…writing the book was not an easy journey. When things got challenging it seemed that the claws of my little MacBook Pro reached out to grab me as I entered my office. It was almost like a giant magnet …and I was a handful of nails! I heard the voice from that 12” by 8” piece of metal. It seemed to be speaking directly at me although there was no sound from the device.

“Sandra just have a look at that line on page 43. It don’t (sic) sound right! Or “You know you have been thinking all night about what you wrote yesterday. Maybe just take five minutes to look it over. Then you can do your yoga.”

I could not even look at that bloody digital device. I was its prisoner! “Just five minutes? Okay……” Four hours later……

I also found if I attempted to change my sequence and think “Well I’m a little tired. Maybe I will meditate in the hot tub for thirty minutes first before I do my yoga.” Then I was a goner, again! My poor yoga kept getting kicked to the curb!

So…I could not even look at my computer nor listen to the voice in my head or I was a captive to …the BOOK! And then…. Tracy kept sharing more and more phenomenal experiences that were critical pieces of her story. Such, in my mind, needed to be in the book. We would chat. She would say “Somewhere we have to end the book, Sandra!” But how could I end it while life went on and on and was filled with more incredible moments of the love and light and connection of so many loving and caring individuals? As well there were moments of the deep deep pain of my client which we also chronicled in the book because we wanted people to sense into their own feelings as they learned more of the story. This book was not an intellectual exercise although you will learn more about therapy and trauma. It is however a heartbreaking story of both love and loss.

Tracy would continually say “I want it raw and real Sandra. I want people to feel what I feel.” I agreed wholeheartedly because when you have more than an intellectual discussion???? That is when things change. I have had the privilege of many men who share they are ‘reading thru water.’ We are both so grateful for men and women who allow themselves to feel a mother’s pain. Tracy gave me the facts in full blown color. Her anger was beyond intense. But under that anger there was such profound grief and deep pain.
Never in a million years did she expect this from the biological father of her boys. He loved them. Anniversaries continue to drive that despair in my beautiful client but she gets up, dusts herself off and continues on this forever journey to change the experience of other children by a vengeful parent. To me feeling that universal pain of a mother losing both her beautiful boys in such a horrendous manner is how we evoke change. If we do not allow ourselves to feel something, nothing changes. Yes. It may bring up old stuff of your own but maybe, just maybe, it is time to deal with the unspoken memories or witnessing of abuse or the control that continues to permeate your own life. Maybe it is time to seek help to deal with old wounds that continue to influence your decisions or…your own self-worth. Maybe it is time to share your story with those you trust. Abuse is not just physical. It is also emotional, verbal, financial and includes coercive control that may carry reparations for years because of experiencing such behavior or ...impact youngsters, who witness such, to become perpetrators or victims.

Domestic violence has been too long a secret not discussed. A beautiful young man shared with me that he was not bullied at school. He was bullied at home by his brother. Another told me of being humiliated by his hockey coach who yelled and swore at his players in the dressing room calling them ‘faggots’ and ‘little pricks or the worst insult when the ignorant coach said he was “playing like a girl.” If only… Changes need to be made in systems. We have sports coaches reading our book. We have social workers reading our book. We have lawyers reading our book. We have everyday people sharing their stories with us. We need all who care about the safety of women and children to read and weep and gather strength by making the “unspeakable” speakable!

When a perpetrator dies as well as his victims the story dissolves into the abyss. No one knows the trajectory of the story. Tracy and I have put her story and that of her boys’ experience out there. We share her heartbreak and her healing journey. We share a story that will never end for her. Many have come to our table to share their own stories of abuse, humiliation and coercive control. We must all find our voices – men and women – to change laws, policies and procedures that did not protect Tracy and her boys and others like them. We cannot not let Tracy’s story die. Such laws and procedures regarding abuse and coercive control must be reviewed and changes made in the name of kids like Ryder and Radek. It is beyond a sad story. It is about every single individual who has a history of abuse to begin to see that change begins within an individual by speaking up about things that matter in STOPPING THE VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN AND CHILDREN. May you read the book and encourage others to find their voices as well! May you connect with us if you have venues where we can influence others to speak up. And if you are called to begin your own healing journey, please use the resources in the back of the book to begin such a healing walk.

LOVE SANDRA

PS: Back on Track with my 30-30-30 – AT LEAST AFTER I SIGN OFF. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!

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RnR Hot Stove: Champions!

7/11/2022

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GOOD MONDAY MORNING EVERYONE!

Well this time I get to tell you about my wonderful experience of sitting beside a National Slo Pitch Champ on Saturday at the Summerfest Market in Sangudo, Alberta. Low and behold she has been on our dazzling book team for a few months now and I had no idea of her championship status until I had the privilege of meeting one of her teammates at our book signing table at the market! Tracy Stark had been unable to join us on Saturday but had managed to sign 100 books before she left on an adventure to meet Rip from Yellowstone and hopefully, he did not take her to ‘the station’ as I have not yet heard how her adventure unfolded. I suggested she sell him a few books. LOL!

However, that National Champ, was our amazing digital marketing manager Stacy Crossland, who stepped up to the plate and filled in for Tracy and…. hit a home run for the GROSS MISCONDUCT HITTING FROM BEHIND team by working with me in our continued quest of spreading our message of changing the culture of violence against women and children. It was a great day to have a great day particularly because Stacy made a flying leap to capture our tent when a gust of wind grabbed it thereby preventing damage to my vehicle as the sharp end of the tent pole was aimed directly at the hood of my shiny red car! Thank you, Stacy Crossland!! You may have to come out of retirement and put on your cleats again! What a dive!

Nothing like playing on a team and bonding fiercely with your teammates and maintaining that bond even after years of not seeing one another! I had the privilege of playing Panda basketball at the University of Alberta and am now a member of the prestigious BLOCK A Society which honors U of A athletes who represented their school in intervarsity competition. So, what does that have to do with anything? Two things. Firstly, two members of that Panada team attended our book launch in Edmonton in May of 2022 and gave me the biggest hugs imaginable! Fifty years after our basketball connection they came to support me – WOW! What a surprise and a gift to their former teammate... aka ME! Thanks to those teammates - Bev Spencer and Wendae Grover! The friendships one makes as a team player working together to achieve a common goal can be life changing. That year we too were Canadian Champs in the realm of Junior Women’s Basketball. Of course, in typical Sandra fashion, I lost my championship ring but…my husband who played for the prestigious Edmonton Huskies – ‘Threepeat’ Champions still has his City of Edmonton ring given to all Canadian Champs by the City of Edmonton and the bond he has with not only his Huskies colleagues but his high school football champions continue to be an important part of his social network. Being on a well-coached team can be a tremendous experience! And even his St. Mary’s High School coach, the outstanding Aurell Royer, stopped by to buy a book and to give me a hug! Wow!

However, the second part of my story is also interesting. Initially U of A female athletes were not allowed into the prestigious Block A Club. It was reserved strictly for male athletes (BMOC-Big Men on Campus). We witnessed the guys strutting around campus wearing the green and gold sweater they were awarded as members of the Golden Bears. We Panda Bears and Cubs…well we did not rate such in the way of recognition- That Green sweater with the giant Gold A decorating its front. After all we were…only women. However, a group of dedicated women alumni athlete won a hard-fought victory in the past few years with the U of A’s Athletic Dept and opened the door for all women who had previously played intervarsity sport at the U of A to be inducted into the University’s Block A Club at a most elegant affair! Amazing what a group of dedicated women can do!!

The USA enacted a legislation called Title Nine which gave female athletes greater opportunities that male athletes already had. One such amazing athlete, tennis star Billie Jean King was one of the leaders of this movement as she began to openly question why women’s athletics did not have the same funding and opportunities as male athletics did. Women were not really regarded as ‘athletes’ deserving of the same opportunities as the male athletes. It is interesting to note that my first job as a U of A graduate was at Mt. Holyoke College, one of the esteemed Seven Sisters Colleges in the US where I was hired to coach women to play five player basketball. We in Canada had been playing such for years but not in the USA where Iowa may have been the only state where such was happening. Nationally, 1969 was the first year USA women were being introduced to the ‘men’s sport’ having been playing six player basketball previously where there were two guards who stayed in the back court and two forwards who only played in the front court and two ‘stronger’ players who were rovers who played full court. The belief was that most women were not strong enough to play full court. We have come a long way BABY! We can even enter a bar these days…without an escort! Through hard work and women speaking up gradually women began to receive recognition and regard for their strength and prowess in sport and beyond …the kitchen! Yet although great progress has been made still today female athletes are battling together to be heard regarding disparities in the salaries of male and female athletes as is still the case with many other professions.

When I was a young girl, I loved playing hockey! It was my sport! With my white figure skates, I could skate circles around the Cubs & Scouts that I played hockey with on the outdoor rinks every Saturday morning. But then…when I developed boobs I was no longer allowed to play. It was just the way it was back then. We as women just accepted that... My sport became basketball because some association decided that was “OK” for young women to participate in such a sport. I applaud the courageous women who began to speak up about the inequalities that existed for women and girls. Thanks to their work and the work of those men who believed in their women, young girls can now aspire to play for Canada and Canadian women athletes are now playing the most exciting form of hockey ever - free of the legalized violence allowed in the men’s game.

Women then began to speak up loudly and clearly about many issues regarding the equality of men and women. Which still needs work today for true equality to exist. They marched in the streets. They found their voices! Times Up! Me Too! We as women and the men who love their wives and daughters, sisters, mothers and female friends must be ever vigilante and continue to speak out about the violence against women and children all too prevalent in our society. Building more women’s shelters to protect women from violent men? A short-term safe place important to rescue women and children from violence. YES! However, our goal must go beyond that to change the culture of violence that allows not only physical, verbal, mental and emotional violence to occur unchecked in too many homes …and remain something we do not talk about as a society…except maybe a bit. In November! We exist in a society that allows coercive control to exist without retribution in our legal system. Bullying continues to be a major issue and …not just outside the home. (More about that next week) We must find our voices about things that matter by discussing things necessary to change the culture of violence allowed to continue in our society because of inadequate laws, systems, attitudes and fear of speaking up. Domestic violence can no longer be a secret. It is real and needs our attention. Time to talk. Time to educate young people about appropriate relational behaviours. The CALM (Career and Life Management) Class must be more than a correspondence course credit in our high schools!

Thank you to those who have approached us to ask for a sit down to discuss issues we bring forward in the book. We will follow up! And please remember: Children learn what they live. As I say in the book “Worry not that your children do not listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you!” What are they seeing? What are they learning from the behaviours they witness? Let’s all be Champions and find our voices about things that truly matter to end the culture of violence in our society.

                                    Love, Sandra

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R&R Hot Stove - Graduation 2022

7/4/2022

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GOOD MONDAY AFTERNOON EVERYONE!

As per usual in the last little while, I am the ‘late’ Sandra Young Kolbuc for getting my blog into the universe. Busy as all get out! What was it this time??? Hilltop High School; Graduation 2022!

This week I had the distinct pleasure of being a grandmother in the stands watching with delight as my first born grandchild crossed the stage to receive his diploma and of course we celebrated his achievements all weekend! The Scott Safety Arena was packed on June 30th and the pride and excitement of many friends and family of the over 130 graduates filled the air. I did not know, as I watched the tribe of beautiful young people cross the stage to receive their diplomas that Tracy Stark, one such friend of many whose children were graduating and good friend of many kids themselves… was in the building. This year -2022- was the year between Ryder whose graduation year would have been 2021 and Radek’s year which would be in 2023. Tracy had watched many of these young people grow up with Ryder and Radyk since the boys’ kindergarten days! Partway through the ceremony I received a text from my writing partner congratulating my handsome grandson, Gavin Kolbuc Stark, who had played hockey with both Tracy’s boys - on his achievement.

“God! That woman is courageous” I thought and texted back “Are you here?” Naturally in typical Tracy style I did not receive an immediate reply but was very moved by her text. As if that beautiful message filled with hearts was not enough to bring tears to my eyes, the next series of events definitely was... At the end of the speech by the Hilltop Valedictorian, the young scholar in question completed his address by doing a back flip in the air to end his speech! My heart began to race and my tears came again as I processed what I had just witnessed by this phenomenal young graduate.

Then the words Tracy and I had constructed in the final chapter of Gross Misconduct: Hitting From Behind came to life in my mind as I thought of the end of the last chapter in our book where Tracy Stark’s message to the Class of 2021 - Ryder’s year - is profiled.

Quote “I am honored to watch classmates of Ryder Patrick exit Hilltop High School as High School graduates. Of course I wish with all my heart that Ryder too was shaking the hand of Hilltop’s Principal, holding his diploma high in his other hand and, in Ryder style, probably doing a flip off the stage….”

Wow! That profound gesture at the end of the 2022 Valedictory address had me trembling in my chair as the crowd roared at the athleticism of the young academic on the stage. I wondered what was going thru Tracy’s mind if she were there… and if she had felt that same rush of energy as I did when she witnessed the flip!

There is a quote I often use when I speak of young people who like Ryder and Radek die long before their ‘time” It is simply this... "THEY DIED MUCH TOO YOUNG…..SO I GUESS WE HAD BETTER DO SOME LIVING FOR THEM."

Thanks for the flip young graduate! Nailed it! As you go forward to live your life out loud, may it be filled with many more incredible moments on behalf of young men and women, like Ryder and Radek, that have ‘gone too soon’.

HAPPY GRADUATION EVERYONE!

AND REMEMBER the book Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind is available in many venues detailed on the R & R Legacy Facebook page and will be available in Sangudo this coming Saturday, July 9th from 10:00 am to 4:00 pm at the Deep Creek Market. We will have books on hand to sell as well as R&R Merch and I will be on hand for book signings. Let’s turn on the sun that day! Hope you will stop by and say hello!

                                   LOVE SANDRA

Sandra and her eldest grandson at his graduation

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RnR Hot Stove - Birthday Vacation!

6/27/2022

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GOOD MONDAY AFTERNOON EVERYONE!

What an incredible time I have had since I last connected with readers on the Hot Stove link! In April my three daughters had a secret group chat without me and informed me I was to keep the June 18th weekend free as they were afraid I would schedule a ‘book event’ that weekend and they had something planned. Of course, I complied with their wishes like a dutiful mother with adult daughters! My mother always taught me the importance of always having an event or occasion to look forward to! Tracy and I were on a blistering path promoting our book! Then she was packing up and moving to Edmonton!!! I was simply-in typical Sandra fashion… in constant motion! Then suddenly it was June and the Mother and Three Daughters connection had to get our plans in order! OMG. WE would be boarding flights for VANCOUVER in the next week!

But my anticipation was not just about the destination or the birthday cake with too many candles! It started when we finally began to talk about having some time together – just us! The texts and emails in preparation for our trip were filled with fun and hilarious wit!

A Rest and Restore trip with my most favorite extensions of myself – ALL THREE – to celebrate a significant trip around the sun with Big Mama proved to be the plan. PERFECT!

A FIRST……No one was assigned to pack snacks (for the children). No one brought Children’s Tylenol or swimming goggles (for the children). No one would need to ride double with a little one on her bike through Stanley Park. One of the fantastic organizers checked out some great venues for meals but we had no set-in stone agenda except…to be together and -unsaid-take many pictures of having fun for our memory bank!

And ….no one needed to ‘fix’ any problem at home. Dads were in charge and we had no crisis calls – well serious ones anyway!! And…everyone at home survived! YES! Even…the dog who has a crisis every week – waited until the following week to swallow a stick and need throat surgery!

Rarely do I get my three girls together without interruption from someone…. needing something. That is just the way motherhood works and they are all mothers. What a great gift they gave me to celebrate not only my significant sprint on this earth but being the mother of three amazing women who made me laugh so uproariously at their antics and who savoured all our incredible moments ALONE together. I asked my son if he would like to join us on our next adventure. “Well” he replied “Maybe for a piece of cake! But honestly Mom. I couldn’t see myself spending the whole weekend with those crazy sisters!” LOL.

Women spending time together. Like the women at the well in ancient times. Making things work in our families as chief executive officers – organizing, planning, writing to do lists. remembering appointments for everyone, racing to commitments, multitasking. Unbelievable human creations. Problem solvers, kissing away fears and hurt. Building self confidence in their own kids. And if you as a woman picked well -having a husband like I do- sharing all these parenting and couple responsibilities as a team as our kids were growing themselves up!

During the trip no one needed to leave her comfy bed in the middle of the night to settle a child. Although when I couldn’t remember my room number after hunting down an Advil at midnight, I did have to listen intently at a few doors to find my team…but it was not that difficult! The laughter & music continued! One team member did ‘time’ another as the younger sister went on a midnight run to grab Doritos from a vending machine in the lobby to ensure her sibling was back in 7.5 minutes and had not been attacked by an errant stalker in the stairwell. The Doritos were well received with seconds to spare!

We laughed and laughed and laughed together about my forgetting my phone in my daughter’s truck and one of my ‘athletes’ racin’ back thru security to grab it and return just in time for the flight. We all made new friends with Uber drivers and renewed friendships with precious women who joined us for ‘cake.’

I think my daughters sang the Happy Birthday song to me a dozen times- every time they could conjure a piece of cake out of the server at our table to set before me laughing as another piece of cake with lit candle and cotton candy or some such variation was presented courtesy of the venue in a continuation of my four-day birthday celebration

The only real responsibility my companions seemed to have was to take turns constantly requesting “Okay Mom. Show us your phone!”

We were however delayed on our return flight in security as I had neglected to remove contraband -a two-inch pocket knife -from my carry on. My organized travelling companion did not need to say anything. I just saw …the look. She had warned me previously about my tiny knife and other treasures that I might be stowing in my carry on. And besides the delay was only half an hour. We made it on the plane to return home! And then …just when I thought we had landed safely – my daughter headed briskly down the aisle as I struggled to get out of my seat forgetting I was on a plane rather than in my car and had difficulty ‘finding’ the buckle of the seat belt, struggling to stand up while still buckled, before beginning the search for the buckle! There was a chivalrous gentlemen holding back the line coming behind him so I could unbuckle, protecting this sage woman by stopping everyone from sprinting to their next connection or …. missing their flight completely while waiting for me to get up and out! When I finally realized how to release myself from bondage, I bolted quickly down the aisle looking neither right nor left! Yes. Sometimes I was the entertainment. And sometimes….my girls…were mine! We danced, we sang, we laughed. We videoed

Thanks to all the men in our lives who gave Big Mama this opportunity to bathe in such beautiful feminine energy and restore and renew in my quest with Tracy Stark to make our world a safer and more loving place for all children and their mothers.

And now my amazing first line centre, Tracy Stark and I will be returning to the ‘selling and signing’ game at the Summerfest in Sangudo on July 09, 2022. Thanks, Bob Walker, for sponsoring our table! We look forward to having you all visit our venue. May you all continue to take some moments with those who inspire you and get creative with your own self-care because we have important issues that need our united voices of concern in the coming months as we continue to share issues uncovered in Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind with the world! Stay tuned!

Love Sandra

PS: My girls and I are already excited and planning another adventure! Maybe Mayerthorpe! Just being together! A fantastic treat! Can’t wait! XXOO SYK

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R & R Hot Stove.... Marching On & Self Care

6/14/2022

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Good Monday Morning Everyone! Oops! I lie. It is almost midnight on Monday evening. Just returned from the big city and a visit to the APPLE Store to resurrect my computer and my iPhone. Big Time Computer problems so a day late …and a dollar or two short to pay for the gas to travel anywhere these days! However Tuesday is another good day to have a good day and it is supposed to rain. Hoorah!

It was another busy week in the lives of the authors of Gross Misconduct! Our Library session in Mayerthorpe drew approximately 30 people and it was wonderful to meet and talk with those who wanted to hear more of the story and have us sign their books. Thanks to all who attended. Not sure what happened at the Library in Whitecourt but I actually had a great conversation with Joseph the librarian as no one showed up! I actually started to giggle inside as no one NO ONE entered the library to hear our story. Obviously THURSAY NIGHT WAS NOT A NIGHT TO HAVE A GOOD NIGHT! Our Whitecourt Book Launches had caught all takers I guess and how could we compete with parents involved in baseball, soccer, hockey and a beautiful evening!

We continue to seek out events to extend our message. On July 9th you will find us at Summerfest in Sangudo and our books are now available not only in Whitecourt but at the Deep Creek Store in Sangudo, in Edson at Kwik Crests, Urban Image Spa and The Galloway Museum and in Drayton Valley at The Value Drug store as we continue to extend our reach. Books can also be ordered through Amazon, the Friesen Press bookstore. independent book stores will also order in the book for those interested. Always looking for conferences, gatherings etc to bring Tracy’s courageous story into the hearts of more people in our attempt to change the world one reader at a time beginning with the person wearing your jeans and brushing your teeth and hopefully reading our book. Please do not hesitate to share the story with another to expand our readership. It is a hard read but, if we never fail to confront that which is very wrong in our society nothing changes. Every voice matters as we bring family violence into our conversations in order to change what is not working in our society in regards to the safety of women and children and other vulnerable citizens. Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind is not simply a tragic story. It is also one of the great love, courage, resilience and healing. It is a Mother’s Love Story.

I always thought writing the book would be the most challenging part of this process but I have learned that there is so much more to such a venture than getting the words on the page. Life still goes on in the midst of our focus on writing. And sometimes we need to recharge – or reground in the process. We are both exhausted not only from the stress of writing but from the unknowns, the process of getting the book into the hands of readers and the adventures of everyday living with the book always in the back of our minds. It is an exciting journey and filled with many incredible moments in the experiences we share in book and in our encounters with readers and potential readers. It is also difficult when you meet people who report that although their children did not meet the same fate as Tracy’s boys they are living or have lived in fear or anguish for their children and themselves. I look over and see my client comforting another woman who has arrived to have her book signed. I speak to a young man in my line who tells me of the bullying he received not at school but in his own home. Our book experiences are beautifully connecting but also filled sometimes with the trauma of other people’s experience and they resonate strongly with us and remind us of the importance of continuing to speak up about things that matter. And to us we are doing just that. It is so important that such continues but we also need to remind ourselves to ground ourselves in whatever way we can. I planted my garden... twice. The first time my soaking seeds rotted waiting for me to find the time to plant and …nothing grew when I got those seeds in the ground. I had waited too long. Instead I hope we are planting other seeds in our interactions with others – planting seeds of the importance of having conversations about the need for change in systems and attitudes that failed Tracy and her boys in her attempts to keep her boys safe. The second time I planted my garden seeds again. Three nights ago. Bring on the rain!

I know that we each need to practice self-care as we venture onward in our promoting the book and encouraging others to read it and join us in confronting the culture of violence in our society. I know we also need to find balance and time for all those we love and care about.

I have resumed my 30-30-30. 30 minutes of yoga, 30 minutes of meditation and 30 minutes of journaling each morning. I had bumped my personal self-care plan to the curb going to my computer chair rather than my yoga mat each morning My goal now is restore the balance on this most incredible venture because…we are in it for the long term. Perhaps this is simply a letter to myself! To remind me of the importance of my own personal self care in this most critical venture. Hope you too are reading this Tracy Stark!

The last few days I disconnected completely ‘divorcing’ my technology and my age old writing practice of always carrying a notebook. Part of that was because my phone and computer both cratered at the same time. They were obviously in cahoots with my higher self which was telling me to take a break! …A breath…or two. So I completely unplugged. Took to note paper to record my thoughts as we drove to Jasper to watch our granddaughter play soccer. I worked hard to ground myself – feeling the support of the passenger seat in my Volvo as my husband drove attempting to be fully present to our beautiful drive. Noticing. Noticing the greenery, the cows and calves in the pastures, breathing in the beauty around me and remembering what I had done prior to being so very focused on our promotion of Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind. When my mind began to return to the challenges ahead in our marketing plan I came back to my body and noticed what I was experiencing. I had been telling everyone else to do exactly this for years and here in the now I had not been following my own advice! I began noticing my breath, feeling my ‘butt’ on the seat of the car and reveling in being fully present to what I was experiencing on our drive.

We did not turn on the radio nor listen to music although sometimes listening to or dancing to music can be a source of grounding as well. But today was not that day for me as I remembered the $229 ticket I received the day of our first book launch in Edmonton when I was so absorbed in singing Super Trooper by ABBA that I failed to realize my speed and soon found myself on the side of the road talking to a ‘Super Trooper sporting a car with a red and blue whirling light!

However today I sensed into my body and the sensations I was noticing as I recognized how ‘offside’ I have been in our quest to market the book. I practiced what I always teach! I went into my five senses and asked myself. What do I feel? What can I smell, taste, hear, feel and see – right here. Right now. It was a great day to have a great day! And I …almost slept through the night. What a gift I gave myself and my friends and family by being…fully present. Have a great week everyone – one moment at a time! It is quite a lovely experience!

                            Love Sandra

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The R&R Hot Stove - Another Tragedy

6/6/2022

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Happy Monday Everyone!

Last month we hear of another tragic school shooting of children by a ‘child’ of eighteen in our country to the south. An 18 yr old man-boy who was once an innocent child like all the children he blasted away in the craziness of a Monday afternoon. How could this happen?? Again???? Why are so many of these horrendous events perpetrated by young men? What the hell was going on in his twisted mind? What happened to this child-man in his own life that led him to do the unspeakable? Who protected him as a child? How did he arise to commit such a horrific crime and change the lives of so many families without batting an eye until he too lay dead?

I sit and think and there is no making sense of this. What happened to this man-child’s brain to have him take his rage out on innocent little kids? We look for answers in his growing up years. We look for clues that help us determine why he did what he did. I go back to the topic of my Master’s Thesis: Is mankind basically good or basically evil? We all shake our heads again in disbelief, aching for the parents of those innocent little kids. Aching for the parents of the shooter. Aching for the shooter. Aching for the police officers who…waited. Aching that these kinds of events continue and influence other potential shooters. The trauma in every citizen overflows with direct or vicarious trauma. Some will simply dissociate so they do not think about such an event or they have witnessed so many on TV or in real life and True Crime stories that another event like this means nothing. Or there is the talk: “ Thank God it wasn’t my kid, our school!” But life goes on. Politicians will wonder how to handle this to ensure they still cater to the ‘lobby’ groups so they will be re-elected. Everyone is left wanting. Wanting answers. Why?????? Wanting change.

Remember the song of the sixties

“Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.  Let me walk with my brother (or sister) in perfect harmony."

What do these events do to all children who witness the atrocity on the television or Ipad? What are we teaching our children? To be fearful perhaps and lie in bed worrying. Or That watching violent shows on TV is not real so it is okay? Or that violence is no big deal. Well it is! What does watching such violence do to the brains of our kids? Research it. Everyone has google. Anxiety levels in children have escalated exponentially. However continually watching the same scenes over and over normalizes such behavior in our society. Another hate crime? Another school schooling. Just a part of our culture? Let’s change that!

What is the first step to alter the trajectory of the next school shooter? Is he in Grade 12, a drop out, in Grade 4 or flashing a toothless grin in Grade 1? And what changes are needed to prevent such actions???? Who failed to do their jobs? What does yet another school shooting say about the democratic society to the south? What are we doing differently in Canada to prevent such travesties? Do we need armed police officers in every school? in every classroom? What happens to the brains of innocent little children participating in drills to know what to do if this sort of thing happens in their school? Who sold that young man the ammunition? The weapons? I continually wonder what happened to this young man in his own story? I continually wonder how such shootings increase the anxiety of our children and grandchildren when they hear or read or see on TV such atrocities. And perhaps the biggest take away from my writing today is a repeat from the book

“Worry Not that your children do not listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you. Violence is not simply physical abuse. It is verbal abuse, financial abuse, intimidation, violence by dreaded silence, sharp sarcasm, threatening behaviors, shouting fiercely, scaring your kids, unwanted sexual touching and …..ignoring, withholding LOVE. None of these belong in a healthy home. It is continually raising the heart rates of those in one’s circle of influence in a negative manner. Such creates physical, emotional and mental challenges that last long after childhood. I know. I am that therapist hearing such stories of childhood abuse or trauma emanating from my blue chair all the time.

Why is the profile of all school shooters so similar? What drives it? Google it! Where does the hate come from? I have learned that childhood trauma so often yields adult dysfunction. I have read nothing of this recent school shooting to confirm or deny that in this case. I turned off my TV at the news of yet another school shooting. I wanted to throw up. Like many iIt sickens me that these events continue to happen. What are we teaching our kids? Much media is filled with so much violence repeated over and over and over. When an event occurs, nothing is titrated. It is there in all its ‘splendor.’ often for the developing brains of young children. And our kids and grandkids are right there watching it over and over and over. Turn it off for God’s sakes. Protect their brains. Why do we applaud legalized violence on the playing field, in the ring or the ice or in our TV shows. Why do we allow violent video games in our children’s lives? We as parents and grandparents are our children’s greatest teachers. We must all work to bring the best versions of ourselves to those we bring into our world to infiltrate the acceptable of such violent incidents in our world.

Filicide is an act of a parent killing a child. That is part of their story but it is not all. Tracy Stark is willing to share her life so that another mother/father never comes upon what she did in December of 2016. It is also her journey in finding meaning for living to share her boys’ story sith the world and perhaps change the trajectory of another young child by sharing her experience…and her healing journey to have the boys;’ lives make a difference for another child. I encourage you to be strong enough to read and feel the essence of Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind. It is truly a Mother’s Love Story to keep another child from harm.

May we wrap our collective arms around those who have lost their children in such tragic circumstances and start conversations about what needs to change at the deepest level of keeping children safe – physically, emotionally and mentally from acts of violence and abuse.
Changes begins when we begin to have conversations about things we never talk about! May you be courageous enough to read our book and find others willing to share their thoughts as we look for solutions rather than bitch about problems and find our voices about things that matter.

Another Sixties Song pour out of my fingers:

One human hand can’t tear a prison down
Two humans’ hands can’t tear a prison down
But when two and two and fifty make a million.
We’ll see that day come round.

(Naturally I changed the word man to human)

We are all needed to change the culture of violence so rampant in our society) HOWEVER LET’S BEGIN THIS PROCESS ONE READER AT A TIME UNTIL WE JOIN HANDS AND SEE THAT DAY COME ROUND.

                              LOVE SANDRA

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THE R & R HOT STOVE - Whitecourt Book Launch

5/30/2022

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Good Monday Morning Everyone!

TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY

This past weekend Tracy and I had the incredible pleasure of meeting and reacquainting ourselves with so many beautiful people as they waited for us to sign their copy(ies) of the book Gross Misconduct Hitting from Behind. We were so looking forward to launching our book in Whitecourt where five and a half years ago so many from our community stood outside the Stark home with love and compassion emanating from their hearts in support a couple broken open by the senseless deaths of two beautiful boys. We saw a grieving Mom named Tracy attempting to stay strong and speak to us all focusing particularly on talking to young friends of Ryder and Radek to ease their confusion and their pain and to attempt to dull the collective sorrow of us all with her strength in managing her own profound grief as a mama who had lost her babies.

Today we shared a beautiful space at the Whitecourt Golf and Country Club with many who had been a part of that crowd. With many who had crossed the threshold of the Stark home that fateful day to hug Tracy - who had greeted every person who landed on her doorstep with a hug. She never hid in a back room in her profound sorrow. As she told me later “I felt that people who came to pay their respects deserved me to show up in response to their support.” Sometimes it was others comforting Tracy. Other times it was a grieving mother comforting people also traumatized by such a heinous crime which impacted our communities of Whitecourt and Spruce Grove so deeply.

As I sat beside Tracy today at our event adding my thoughts and signatures to many books I heard and watched my co-author interact with so many in her engaging manner blending with those touched by her strength as they shared their own stories. Far too many have said they are living or have lived some aspect of her story as a child or in a past or current tumultuous relationship fearing for their own children. Others spoke of their wanting to express their admiration for her great courage in sharing her story. I listen as she speaks with another about wanting her boys’ lives to make a profound difference in the lives of other women and children so another mother never experiences what she did on a cold winter morning in 2016. I hear her say that she is still a mother looking after her boys by telling her story and wanting changes made in Ryder and Radek’s name.

She continues to speak from her heart to each person who comes to our table. She is comforting, sharing stories and profoundly engaged with each of those who come forward.
Her courage and energy as she speaks pridefully about her boys is contagious. We all laugh or smile when she shares joyful stories of her sons. Everyone who leaves our signing table has an invisible vial of courage and tenacity and-I hope – HOPE that together we can impact decision makers of the need for change to prevent further instances of the abuse of women and children. She finds her voice in our book. She speaks about i laws, policies and procedures ineffective in our society to protect vulnerable women and children. Of laws protecting biological parents’ rights more than innocent children.

As we begin to speak about our book I tell her that I have written a script that we could use when we speak to groups as she once told me rather profoundly that she was terrified of public speaking. When I propose the script she gives me that big smile and says simply “No Thanks. I just speak from my heart now!” Yes she does….. and there are two beautiful boys looking down and after observing their mother in action these last two days and ….as I listened closely I think I heard Radek saying “You scored big today Mama. Top Shelf!” followed by Ryder adding “Not bad Mom! But.. Keep workin’ on your shot!” LOL. And that she is!

Great to be on your team McTracy! Let’s continue our bid for even greater victories in our quest to change the culture of violence in the lives of women and children by not only writing but continually speaking about the “unspeakable” with others. Please join our team! And…by the way…..GO OILERS!

                              Love Sandra

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THE R & R HOT STOVE.... Grief & Loss

5/24/2022

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Good Morning Everyone!

Hope you celebrated a long weekend with the sun at your back…and front!!
Our First Book Launch at Wolf Cadillac was amazing, filled with many many wonderful people who dropped by to have their books signed by Tracy and me. It was a wonderful weekend and this coming weekend, May 28 & 29, we cannot tell you how important it is to us to host a Book Launch and Signing in our home community of Whitecourt.

GROSS MISCONDUCT HITTING FROM BEHIND BOOK LAUNCH
WHITECOURT GOLF CLUB
SATURDAY , MAY 28 AND SUNDAY MAY 29
11:00 A.M. TO 4:00 PM

BOOKS, MERCHANDISE, SNACKS, DRINKS
Smiles, Tears and Hugs

We hope you will join in our celebration!

This morning I want to share an educational piece regarding grief & loss. Many cannot imagine how they could possibly survive the loss of one child let alone two on the same day in the same ungodly manner to quote our book. How could Tracy possibly survive such unbelievable trauma and loss? How does she find her smile?” Well, some days of course she can’t but her courage and strength is beyond what is imaginable. She and I had a mantra we shared when we texted. It was simple and we both still attempt to begin our day with a simple line on a wooden plaque on the wall of her kitchen….and mine. “TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY” because whatever you focus on expands, expands exponentially. But that is not enough…… There is more.

There are so many emotions one experiences in grief & loss. Tracy was filled with so many unbridled reactions - shock, anger, depression, anxiety, hate, hurt, frustration, helplessness, RAGE & sadness. -many facets of grief.

Five major stages of grief -SHOCK, DENIAL, ANGER, DEPRESSION & ACCEPTANCE were coined by a Swiss psychiatrist named Elizabeth Kubler Ross as the path to moving through the effects of grief and loss. Tracy’s experience did not follow that specific trajectory outlined by Kubler Ross and included much back-and-forth movement particularly when significant dates or potential rites of passage for her boys when their friends began doing these transitions which Tracy’s boys did not live to experience. Many of these moments are detailed in the book. BUT what transpired in Tracy’s healing was a definitive sixth stage of grief called FINDING MEANING as added to Kubler’s Ross’s work by Dr, David Kessler. This was not about finding meaning in the deaths of the boys but meaning in the life Tracy continues to live on behalf of her sons who are now a part of her very soul.

To quote my co-writer “The day my boys died I made a commitment to Ryder and Radek that the fact that even though their lives were brief their living would make a difference in the world and as I began to see the importance of sharing my story, I asked Sandra to write my story from her perspective as well as mine in order to start down that road.

So that is what we have done! We have written a book that we hope will change attitudes, laws, give a voice to the voiceless, help those who live in fear to find allies to walk with them and chip away at the culture of violence that exists in our supposed civilized society.

It took three years to write Gross Misconduct Hitting From Behind because it was emotionally difficult for Tracy to write about the trauma of what happened to Radek and Ryder. Breaks were need to process situations that were over the top HARD and we needed time to release more and more of the activation in her nervous system. Reliving difficult situations in a titrated manner was essential. However, WE continued to have a vision. And we never stopped believing in the importance of that vision of making a difference in the lives of women and children. The fact that filicide-the murder of a child by a parent- still occurs in our country and that women’s shelters are necessary to protect women and children from violent men in their lives and …that such shelters are still burstin’ at the seams is so very wrong! May you find yourself engaging in such important conversations with both men and women as we TOGETHER find meaning as a most important aspect of the grieving cycle.

As Margaret Mead, noted anthropologist once said “Never doubt that a small It is of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever does.” Our hope is to bring greater awareness to the possibilities that we all can be a part of taking family violence out of the closest and begin speaking about the changes needed in our attitudes, laws. policies and procedures to STOP the family and intimate partner violence far too prevalent in our society and model for our children and grandchildren a better way.

                                                                                                            Love Sandra